Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

You’re not being unreasonable but I think you should cut them both off and enjoy your life with DC and cats! You sound deeply unhappy and your DH sounds miserable, I wouldn’t be lifting a finger for a miserable man, quadriplegic or not. Also your mother’s opinion is irrelevant, you should tell them both to do one imo.

I really hope some people on this thread, recommending OP leave her quadraplegic husband and "enjoy her life" on no other evidence than he objects to more cats, are never in the the position he is. I say that as a fulltime carer, not the cared for person.

Of course he could have been a nightmare and the marriage on the rocks before this happened to him, but we don't know that, only what the OP has said.

Op deals daily with the man nappies, with the perpetual smell, with dealing with ALL the detail of every day life without any support from him. She has DC to care for. She is the breadwinner. She has no husband to fill her needs. Only his to fill. Yet she doesn't complain . Only wanting to not be abused and have a couple of cats. Yet he feels it's ok to give her abuse. Does anyone really believe granted the abuse and his selfishness in refusing her a couple of cats to give her solace that were the situation reversed HE would be still there hanging on after 4 years? Well in his position I would grant her a herd of hippos if she wanted it.

It wasn't just about the cats.

It's my lived experience. What's yours

Is there reason he hasn't explained? My first thought was that maybe he's concerned about a new cat climbing on him? It must be very stressful knowing that he can't do anything to move things and having a mobile animal that he doesn't know to be predictable that could be a concern?
However your MIL needs to butt out, and your husband needs to talk about why, not just say no without giving a reason.

Agree totally with this.
Poor bloke.
When it comes to pets you've both got to be on board.

I've read all the OP's posts. Yes he needs to sort the situation with the house he was left a part share in out and her mother sounds appalling, but the sticking point she raised was the cats, which the OP wants and he doesn't.

I'm afraid the words "put in his room" sit very ill with me. Getting a care agency to do visits that allow for the time most adults go to bed is nigh impossible and he may as much a victim of this as she is. There are ways round this but there has to be the will to do so.

You've been given some bloody awful advice on this thread OP, I am sorry.

I think you deserve your cats, but I think you need to park that for now. Not because you shouldn't have them, but because I think you need to sort out the situation with your husband first. No one, whatever their situation is entitled to abuse another. He sounds like an absolute cock, and I am appalled at the people on this thread who have said about "how tough he must have it", yeah sure, but that doesn't give him licence to treat you like his punch-bag, slave or carer forever more.

I think you need to tell him that you are his WIFE, not his servant, and unless he wants to treat you with some respect you will be speaking with a solicitor.

Genuinely, leave the bastard. Then get as many fucking cats, goldfish or bloody dingos as you like OP. Good luck to you

You can object to more cats in an adult way, or you can go "apeshit" at you partner. Its the apeshit part we object to. Not the not wanting to get a cat

Exactly how "apeshit" do you think a quadraplegic can go @ForRealCat ?
The most he could do was shout, he is physically incapable of anything else.

Its only shouting and verbal abuse? Oh that's fine then 🙄

Not fine, but don't pretend that he really has any cards in the game here. You do understand what being quadraplegic means, don't you? OP can walk away at any point and he will undoubtedly end up in residential care as a result, for the rest of his life, because he would not be able to live at home safely.

But carry on, support the cats. If @FloydWasACat really wants to go for whatever reason, she should, of course, but I'd put cash money on you never having had someone you love utterly dependent on you @ForRealCat and experienced the very complex situation it creates.

@Uricon2 Abuse is abuse, whichever way you look at it. The message is ''You have me to look after, you have to look after me... to hell with what you want [the cats] or what you need [time and solace]...''

This. Frankly, the way you speak about your husband is disturbing.
“He gets put into his room at 9pm and that’s it until the next day”.
Sounds like you’d give an animal more interaction and affection.

Not spiteful or ignorant. Four years ago this man had control of his life, now he has virtually none. He relies on carers, and his day, including when he goes to bed, is dictated by the times they call. Just stop and imagine that for a second. And the whole way in which OP has couched this says to me that this isn’t the first time he’s been told to put up with something he doesn’t want. He probably feels emasculated and not in control of anything, and it sounds as though OP is adding to that. Just because he’s disabled doesn’t mean he doesn’t get a say.

And you only have OP’s word for that.

And mine. Some people here are commenting in total ignorance of what caring full time for someone actually means.

Absolutely this.

He is thinking that attention will be less on him, for sure.

Possibly the cruellest and most ignorant post on the thread.

You are an angel. Get your cat's, make yourself and your kids happy.
Sorry but your Mum has no say, surely?
Your DH - well, he likes cats, it won't affect him other than you'll be happier.

What a tragic situation all around. Beyond awful for your husband whose life is so curtailed and who is so reliant on other. And terrible for you, with the loss of your expectations about your life together.

I do think the thing about the cats is a bit of a diversion. OP, what the relationship good before your husband became paraplegic. How did you navigate differences of opinions earlier in your relationship?

You mention he is not pleasant to be around. While that is understandable, it is also understandable that you do not want someone 'going apeshit' on you. Again, is it mostly ok and this particular issue has triggered him (pets are expensive, maybe his money worries are valid?). Or does he regularly lash out at you?

While anyone in this position would have difficult days, or times they are less than pleasant, it is also a choice to stay stuck in bitterness and to choose to deal with this by lashing out at the people near you. The first I could live with. The second, no.

FWIW I knew a woman whose husband had a stroke in his 30s. He was not as disabled after as your husband, but was in a care home. He was constantly pressuring her to let him come home, but he was vile to her. When I met her, it was 2 years after his stroke. Before this, I had always been judgmental of people who leave spouses in this situation. But after seeing how he treated her, I was not surprised when she left him. She also really wanted to be a mother, so was feeling time pressure.

While you are married it is still a partnership, regardless of physical abilities. But if there is no positives any more, if you do not enjoy each others company at all, and if the relationship is mostly composed of being shouted at, its ok to say you cant do it.

I hope you can both find some peace.

Edited to say - tell your mother to butt out. And that if she ever talks to you like that again, you will seriously consider how much you can allow her to be in your life.

Bloody hell the OP is asking about cats. What damn business is it of yours to ask these very personal questions about his care? She is the one who does most of the work and im sure he isn't lying in there with no stimulation at all for hours on end.
Honestly some of the frankly disgraceful posts on here are unbelievable.

It's my lived experience too, and I never used the term "nappy"