Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

I think in this you should only follow your own heart. You are under a lot of stress and if those two young cats can help you feel happy, go for it! Better than taking pills 💝

I also think you should consider assisted living. Being out to bed at 9pm each night cannot be pleasant for him. And he is unpleasant to you. You do not need to put up with that. Statistically he is likely to have already left you if the situation was reversed.

and your mother needs better boundaries. Take her key off her.

Get the cats. You deserve some joy in life and if they bring joy then go for it. You are exactly right saying nobody knows what it's like to be in the position you are in until they find themselves in it. And your mother shouldn't be speaking to you like that. In fact her forbidding you to get the cats is exactly the reason to get them. And your husband not bothering sorting out a property inheritance then pleading poverty on feeding and insuring two cats is just pathetic and mean.
And in this case it's not a unanimous household decision. It's a decision to keep a selfless over stretched loyal mother and wife from feeling completely isolated and undervalued.
Get the cats and enjoy the feline company after 9pm. You deserve it.

And then progress to two goats. The children will love them.😁

Many people do not realise just how expensive it is to have just one cat, if you are caring for it properly. The cost of living has risen for everything. The cost of disability is hitting the roof. I know. When you have a cat, it isn't just the food. It is the cat litter, extra cleaning and sterilising items to buy, an identity chip and expenses concerning that, immunisations, and the very high vet bills. No NHS like the children. Vets have a long training and their fees are high. Operations are expensive, as is insurance.

That is why there are so many cats who need homes.

That expenditure may be worrying your DH. It isn't just the cost though. I always had cats. When my last cat died I wanted another, but I also knew that any pet would suffer because I was disabled and my late husband was older than me. There are times when I looong for a cat, but I know I cannot have one not just for financial reasons, but for practical ones too.

He cannot help care for the cats, nor can he enjoy them. It could take you ages to train them, and it would remind him constantly that he needs help in that direction too. Reminding people of their disability and their helplessness is so easy to do, and so depressing for them.

I absolutely love animals and life would be very empty without them. I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to give 2 cats a loving home. It is very kind of you and like you say, YOU are the one who will be looking after them. I really can’t understand your husband’s reason for saying no? And your mum needs to keep her nose out - it’s your life not hers.

He must be very lonely. Being disabled is. People stay away because they think if you ask them for one thing you will ask them all the time. Your husband is put to bed alone, in his room (do you share it?) and doesn't have anyone to speak to.

Through that loneliness and wishing you were closer, you tell him you would rather have the company of three cats than him.

You don't know you will always be fit and well. You are assuming you will be fit enough, and rich enough to look after three cats. Perhaps your children are also thinking you have moved away from them and pouring all your love and attention onto three cats when there are three other people in your home who need you more.

Why not get a job as a cat/dog/alpaca walker? You can have all the pleasure without the expense or responsibility.

Like millions of grandparents who love their GCH but are very relieved they can give them back to the parent.s

Even if it means transferring your love from DH and family onto 3 cats?

If my husband spoke to me like that, I'd be getting 10 cats.

She's already said the cat is lonely.

She might not be right though.

If Op works out of the house-who is looking after the 3 cats?

I think he's being a bit unreasonable, anx frankly your mother should butt out - and definitely NOT speak to you like that! You have a job and are a carer for your children and your husband. You say there is little joy in your life, so if this is what having cats around brings you, you should have it!!

Sorry, I find that rather an unusual question. Lots and lots of people have cats and it doesn't make them love their family less. 🤷‍♀️

It's not hard to look after cats and work! Even fulltime! They're not dogs! And unlikely to need 'training' either as per another poster. Really odd ideas here.

Some strange questions here!
Cats mostly don't need to be constantly looked after. Three cats will look after each other in many ways.
I think OP stands a good chance of judging whether her cat is lonely from its behaviour.

I am sorry if you think that. It was not intended. People do indeed love animals. I did. They need devotion as well as food and inoculations and vet bills.

The OP has a cat which she is devoted to who could live another 9 years. One of mine was 18. She says she thinks this cat is lonely since the older one died. How does she know? Does the cat never go out?

She says she is lonely after her DH has been put to bed at 9. She doesn't mention interests they share. Just mentions she has children.

Something about her post just made me wonder why she needs two more cats.

That is what made me think she is not happy with the love she gets from her family and is looking elsewhere for comfort. I know that cats are a comfort. They know it too. One cat, two children and a disabled DH and she still needs something more?

Let your mum have your DH and you get the cats.

Joking aside, life is too short so if the cats will give you a bit of joy (in a life which seems to be dedicated to a difficult DH and situation) then get them.

Tough titties to your DH really, and your mum.

Sorry OP - sounds very hard for you all!

I wouldn't go against my husband for big decisions, but if you have always had cats and he does like them, it seems a no-brainer. And as you say - you do the work, you pay for everything, and children are keen. I'm sure your DH will come round.

My DH has never been a cat person and always complains (mildly) when they cost (me) money, or scratch things etc. But he's happy enough when they curl up on his lap!

I've always had two at a time for the same reason as you are thinking. We lost one in the summer and after that my boy was very clingy and off his food (no-one to compete with) so the DCs and I found another female at a local cat charity. Mentioned it to DH and he was definitely not keen. Did we take any notice? Not a bit. Majority vote won.....😀!

We got her just before Christmas and my ginger boy is much happier! And she sleeps every evening on DH's lap!

Go for it! And as you say - especially with what you are all going through, little things for yourself can help make things bearable. Tell DH you aren't going against him as such but it's going with the majority vote.

One dog or three dogs isn't really any different.

I do hope that you get to read this message because I just want to say that you really need to stick up for yourself or you could become incredibly unhappy possibly depressed if this situation continues. Please stand up to your husband and mother and get the cats. You are not a child you are a grown woman who has every right to make her own decisions. You also deserve a life and your mother and husband are really ridiculously selfish but I am not sure that you realise how much they are manipulating you. They need you more than you need them so be aware of that and be strong for yourself

Get the cats! Feck the two of them.

To be fair 2 extra cats are quite a lot of work. Yes, you're paying but it will be whoever is in the house more than will deal with them most. I've got one lazy cat who is so laid back (I would have 10 of him) and then I've got my other cat who is a very vocal spoilt cat that demands I feed him every hour and won't eat food that has been sitting in his bowl for more than 15 minutes. I'm on maternity at the moment and his demands are getting worse. He will literally knock everything off the shelves, fireplace and benches if I don't give in. 😂 Done cats are very hard work and are expensive once you consider insurance, food and that.

You're not out of order at all OP.

You don't deserve to be berated like that when you're doing so much for others.

I honestly can't see why it's such a big deal if you're going to look after them and pay for them (and you had already been a multiple cat household before your eldest one passed).

I can't agree with going ahead and getting 2 new cats without your partner consenting to it. He's already lost a massive amount of control - he "gets put into his room at 9pm every night". It seems like his opinion doesn't matter, and neither does he.

I've had many cats and I don't see how you can be sure the new cats will get on with your current one. They often don't. Cats are expensive. We spent thousands on our lovely rescue cat due to various mishaps. We got some of it back on insurance, not all. The insurance rates were high too.

I understand you must be having a pretty awful time. But are new cats the answer? I would want to focus on the current one.

What's strange?

I feed my cat when he asks, throw away what he doesn't eat & wash his bowl & let him in & out when he wants.

Also when he was younger cleaned his litter tray as soon as he used it.

There's probably workarounds for that but he certainly didn't/doesn't require no input!

Three dogs is immensely different to one dog. Don't be ridiculous.