Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

We've had both situations with cats we had two and when one was knocked down the survivor tried kidnapping the kitten - kitnapping? from down the road. We got another cat and they were so close. We tried the same with another cat and the existing one left home.

I agree that you need to spend more time together that's not carer focused TV in his room after he's been put to bed.?

I'm still baffled by all the posters who seem to be assuming that this husband is an abusive man.
None of us know what the OP meant by 'apeshit'. Apart from that she's called him 'not pleasant' and 'angry' (which is understandable in anyone whose partner disregards their opinions about something as fundamental as how many pets live in the house or what the family's finances are used for).
The only person she's used the word 'abuse' about is her own mother.

i'm still wondering why the OP has to be 'lonely' just because the carers put her husband to bed at 9pm - can't she spend time in the room with him after that?
Or does she not want to?

I'm very aware that men get abused by female partners too. And disabled people are frequently the victims of domestic abuse, by carers and family members.
The whole situation sounds deeply unhealthy.

And the idea of bringing some more cats in, just to cheer up this unhappy human, is grim.

I don't think now is the right time to get two more cats.
I know you say your DH likes cats, but is it he doesn't mind them however finds them annoying/the litter tray smells, or whatever?

I suggest get to the bottom of that and your relationship before contemplating more.

Typical MN. Op posts that she has had cats for more than a decade. A load of posters reply to say that well, cats are expensive/ time consuming / destructive. Presuming ops previous cats were real and not fake, op, after 10+ years, knows what cats are about ? And why do so many people assume they know ops cat better than her? And what she wants, better than her?
Op is holding it together for her dc and her dh and lastly, herself. She matters too. Massively. And, whilst I have enormous sympathy for her DH, let’s not assume op is an idiot who cannot decide what’s best for her or that her DH has, or is entitled to have, the final say.

I remember your earlier posts about your dh, and so sorry it is so hard. Hope you can talk him into the cats.
Like people say, carers do leave. Sounds like you need more choices in your life. As well as SIA have you tried BackUp for mentoring and online meetings?

My barrister told me that 4 years is the average length of a marriage after a catastrophic injury. he was bang on, I lasted 4 years. Mine had a brain injury as well as quadraplegia. I felt bad, and still do feel guilt but it was no life for me or my DC having carers and healthcare staff constantly in the house 24 hours a day every day. I ends up like living in a hospital and you are constantly watched and talked about. It's horrendous. My now ex-DH is I think just as happy in his own home with his 24/7 carers and visits from his DC and his family and friends. ( I'm banned so only see him at events where we both go.( uni grad, DC birthday etc)
Good luck @FloydWasACat it's a rough ride and it goes for years. I presume you will have a court case to get through as well. I lost my entire 30's to the accident.
Don't waste your life.
Get a kitten, go away for the weekend,have a fling or seriously consider divorce.
Oh and get that house that he owns a share of on the market, or at least make the siblings pay rent. x

I'd drive and dump the husband with your mother, OP, they can live together, seem to be made for each other. Divorce him and get as many cats as I'd want.

Ungrateful bastard. You do everything, take care of everything and him, work and he 'goes apeshit' because you want a pet? He can piss off and take care of himself, then. Can't do that? Well tough shit.

LTB.

It’s a two yes one no issue. One of you said no, so it’s a no.

What sort of a life do you have? Do you have anyone coming in to relieve some of the pressure on you as carer and let you have some independent life and some family life? Or is it all on you?

Your mother is probably aghast at the thought of her daughter (however old you are) having more care work on your plate. Because cats take time, attention and potentially quite a lot of money. It really isn't her business but I understand her reaction. Put it aside.

See a solicitor with your husband and learn about his rights re the inheritance. The brothers probably think he can't do anything about it. They would be wrong. That money would go a long way to improve his quality of life. And yours.

'He gets put in his room ... ' And left there? How grim that sounds.

This dreadful thing that has happened to your husband robbed him of all independence and control over what happens in his life.

I can't imagine what it must be like for him.

Now he has made one decision about what he'd like in life - and that gets bulldozed.

And I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have become carer to a person in this situation - and what it must do to his personality, to your relationship and to both your freedom.

I understand the urge to bring the pleasure of pets into your home, but it may cause more trouble than it's worth.

Rosscameasdoody Kindly remove your blinkers and explain what I have said that is wrong / cruel. This woman is bending over backward to take care of the household, the husband, the children, and the cat, and she has a job outside the house. And yet, she wants two cats, and her husband and her mother are giving her grief about it. She thinks the cats will give her solace - they will be the only personal corner she has in her life, because the rest of it is devoted / dedicated to serving others. Do you / would you allow your mother to speak thusly to you? Now that I have explained myself, perhaps, better, can you tell me what I have said that irked you, and why you are so angry at me?

@@Uricon2 Yes, of course. And some of us here only have suspicions that she is lying. So you can choose to believe that she is either concocting a story, or asking for our views / opinions. Those of us who have cared for terminally ill / very sick / bedridden people know what it is to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and do something we really long for - even if it is sitting down with a book, or staring into thin air, when all other things are seen to. Imagine taking off shoes that pinch, and multiply the feeling a hundredfold.

If you are alone every evening from 9pm then get another cat if you want one. Cats are such wonderful company and very affectionate too. You need some joy in your life. Can you hang up on your Mum if she is abusive to you on the phone? It must be very hard for you all. It sounds like you are the verbal punch bag in your family. Put a stop that OP. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused. Being disabled does not give a person the right to go ape shit towards you.

All the posters gleefully telling the OP to LTB, leave him to his own devices and not care about what happens to him, in fact those posters who are essentially saying that someone with a disability is nothing but a burden and good reason to leave a marriage might do well to remember that you’re all just a car crash away from being in the same situation.

The contempt with which some people are talking about people with serious disabilities on this thread is disgusting andyou all should be ashamed of yourselves.

There but for the grace of God go any of you…

And I’m not talking about acknowledging that it’s hard to be a carer, but some of the posts on here go way beyond that.

I am more disgusted by posters that feel disabled people are entitled to treat their spouses poorly and encouraging women giving their lives to disabled people to suck up abuse. It is not OK.

One poster actually said 'he is quadriplegic, how bad can he be?' Or stating that they think OP is lying.

So, different thread:

OP posted that her husband had brought home a cat despite her saying no. We’ve had similar with puppies as well iirc. Responses:

”you said no, so you get the overriding decision.”

“How dare he go against you.”
“If everyone isn’t on board then the one who says no wins.”

“Take the cat to a rescue centre, or give him an ultimatum that he needs to get rid of it or you will.”

Then we have this:

Woman says she wants another cat and her DH says no. So she goes ahead and puts herself forward for not one but two cats. Her DH (naturally) goes apeshit because he’d already said no and she’s gone against that and done what the hell she’s like.

Responses:

“well, he’s a quadriplegic so he doesn’t need to be looking after the cat anyway”
“you shouldn’t have to be looking after hi, so just LTB and enjoy your cats. He can look after himself.”

The double standards are plain to see as usual but in this instance there’s a massive dollop of ableism thrown in for good measure.

We have no idea that the man is abusive. If my partner presented me with a couple of kittens as a done deal I’d go apeshit as well. Nothing to do with being abusive.

Except this is my, and any man who loses his temper for any reason is automatically branded an abuser whereas any woman who does the same has only done so because she is either in the right, or in response to his doing what he wanted being branded as abuse if she’s said no.

And “don’t end the affair because if he dies you won’t want to be alone.”

Why is the cat you already have not enough?

YANBU. Your husband and your mum have no right to speak to you like that. You sound as if you need some joy in your life, and you sound very kind too.. you also say your children would welcome the cats. The extremely abusive reactions from your husband and your mum are way out of order. Your Mum needs to butt out, and you need to talk to your husband about why he reacted that way-but also be very clear about YOUR needs too. Unfortunately he & your mum sound like bullies. I hope you get this resolved with him, and I hope you get some happiness back into your life very soon. And thank you for offering a home to homeless animals.

Get the cats, you only live once. Your older one probably won't want much to do with the younger ones but you never know! You sound really unhappy and cats are a joy, so why not. 3 is a good number (I have 5 lol).

I would be leaning towards your side if it were one cat, but as a PP has said I think a bonded pair will bring you problems. Obviously I'd try to get your husband onside but your DM doesn't really get a say (unless she lives there or inputs financially to your household...but I reckon that's a no).

What's it got to do with your mum?

She's already said the cat is lonely.

OP get the cats. It's not like having another baby at all as some posters have tried to insinuate. You're the one funding the cats and looking after them.

You're coping with so much and deserve some joy out of your existence. I'm sure your husbands disability is hard on him, but its hard on you too and now effectively in terms of responsibilities you are single, because he can't share the load.

He could still look out for you by supporting you emotionally, instead he goes behind your back and tells on you to your mum. Who should also be supporting you but prefers to verbally abuse you.

These two do not care about your best interests, so you're going to have to put yourself first.

OP I agree you need /deserve something for you. Whilst it is also your DH house to be fair he contributes nothing to child care, housekeeping or earnings.

how old are your kids? If you are getting nothing from the relationship even companionship then you don’t need to be a martyr and now might be the time for a care home for your DH.

Do you need your mother in your life to help with household management? If not then go NC for a period. She has no right to speak or treat you like a naughty child. I would also suggest counselling / CBtT- help you with your self assertiveness and self worth.