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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have your kids again?

348 replies

Flowers665 · 31/01/2025 20:26

I don't have any and I don't know if I want any. I like having my nephew or neice for the day but I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and happy to hand them back. I can find it hard to fill the time with them. Also always really look forward to going back to having time to myself. I don't know if people will be honest but if you could go back would you have kids? I love being able to be selfish, spend all my time and money on myself.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 31/01/2025 21:52

Yes, I would.
It is more stressful caring for other people's kids. They are excited and you don't have the full parenting rights.

Your kids can never be given back; they are here to stay.

With your own children each day is not as relentless because you are regular Mum - more boring but with more freedoms.. You can be undressed, sleepy, chilled out with them and you can discipline them if they are outrageous, consistantly in ways that suit (go to their calm place, take away a device etc)

You can also plan outings, food, routines that suit you and them. They are an added layer of closeness between you and your partner. Being parents together is very sweet.

polkalfie · 31/01/2025 21:53

Yes I would. The pre school years were tiring. But primary school was fun, and I am enjoying the teen years too, they're such good company and characters. I haven't found it tiring for years, if anything they help the load more now, the bit I do find handwork is the arguing with each other but we just tell them to separate.

I think the stage I am most worried about is 17/18 onwards when they're learning to drive, going out, drinking, I think I will struggle to switch off from that and will forever worry...but I suppose that's part of the package, hopefully they will continue to bring me enough joy to not regret that hard stuff ha.

EsmeSusanOgg · 31/01/2025 21:53

Always. I wish I'd had more/ started sooner.

I love my kids I love being a mum.

I do need more sleep though!

Inastatus · 31/01/2025 21:54

Always knew I wanted children. DH and I had to overcome many difficulties to have them eventually when I was 40 and 42. Whilst I wish I could have had them earlier it just wasn’t possible. I am thankful for having them every single day.

Radiat · 31/01/2025 21:54

Knowing how it’s affected me, no I don’t think I would. I live in an almost constant state of anxiety, I’m exhausted. Given my own personality I believe I could’ve been happy remaining child-free.

I don’t regret them, don’t get me wrong, but the mental toll is great.

Yuja · 31/01/2025 21:57

Yes for sure. I have 2 and they've made me braver, kinder and more resilient as a human being. The early years were hard work but I'd do it again 100%. Wish I'd had a 3rd but my youngest is 10 now and can't be bothered with it!

TheMauveBeaker · 31/01/2025 21:58

No. Only had them because “that’s what you do when you get married.” If I’d known then what I know now I would’ve stuck to my guns - always said I’d never have children.

notwavingbutsinking · 31/01/2025 21:58

gairwire · 31/01/2025 21:22

I think you are asking the wrong question OP, its very hard to wish away the people you love, especially your own children! However if I had know how hard it would be, how much of myself I would have to give up and for how long then I am not sure I would have had children. I love them so much but it is so much time, money, energy, emotional labour, domestic drudgery over and over and over for years, decades even. You never stop worrying about them and if they are unhappy then often you will be unhappy as well and if you have multiple children that's a lot of chances to be unhappy even if things are mostly ok with them someone will not get a much hoped for job or will go through a break up potentially worse.

I think as well these days its like your children are dependent on you so much longer than they were in the past even in their 30's they need or may need financial and emotional support. I read several years ago that if you have a child now you need to start saving not only for their university costs but also for a house deposit for the and also for their retirement! Then there are all the costs of raising them and its a struggle for me to even save for my own retirement!

They are older now but still need me and I am getting old myself, all the things I thought I might do when they were up and away are slipping out of reach for me. I feel like I have aged so badly, my closest friend is my age and childfree and she still looks like a post grad student in her late 20's. I just never had much time or money to look after myself properly.

I am an introvert and I did and do struggle with the constant need to be available to them, it has hollowed me out to be honest. I was once this whole other person with a rich inner life and my creative work and now I'm just a mum.

I agree with so much of this, especially

You never stop worrying about them and if they are unhappy then often you will be unhappy as well and if you have multiple children that's a lot of chances to be unhappy even if things are mostly ok with them someone will not get a much hoped for job or will go through a break up potentially worse.

and

I think as well these days its like your children are dependent on you so much longer than they were in the past even in their 30's they need or may need financial and emotional support.

DH and I and all our siblings on both sides transitioned to adulthood without even thinking about it - university, first job, first flat etc. None of us ever lived at home again after graduating or needed any kind of support from our respective families. Our parents were able to enjoy the next stage of their lives and their refound independence, and we've given them very little to worry about ever since.

Naively I assumed that it would be the same for us. I couldn't be more wrong. One of our DC has very serious MH issues and I can already see I will be desperately worrying about them until the day I die. Even for my other DC, who don't have the same struggles, life feels like it is going to be so much harder for them than it was for us.

When you have a child you give a hostage to fortune and your happiness will be forever intertwined with theirs. I didn't understand what that meant before I had them. So right now, no, I wouldn't do it again.

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 31/01/2025 21:59

Yes; absolutely.

but I agree. It’s relentless in the early years

alwaysanauntie · 31/01/2025 22:00

No, but not due to how hard (or not) it is being a parent. Dd is an amazing young woman, but i worry about the life she will have in 10, 20, 30 years with the current global political & environmental climate. I'm glad we only had 1!

Oodiks · 31/01/2025 22:00

In a heartbeat. But if I could do it over, I'd get shot of her father sooner than I did.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2025 22:01

If I could have it that I had the same children, but later in life, and not with exh, that would be great.

I should have done alot more and seen a lot more of the world when I was young.

iamnotalemon · 31/01/2025 22:01

I'm mid 40s and don't have children (lots of reasons why not). At this point in my life I won't be having them and I'm ok with that.

Parenting seems like bloody hard work and more so if you do the lion's share and have a useless partner, or have kids with SEN.

I take my hats off to you all but it's not for me.

I admire the responses on here that are honest and say they wouldn't do it again if they had the chance.

BlueSilverCats · 31/01/2025 22:02

Same exact child? Yes please. Maybe even a second one knowing what I know now.

bookworm14 · 31/01/2025 22:03

Yes, absolutely. Best thing I ever did. I did stick to 1 though!

HattieHelvetia · 31/01/2025 22:03

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact I would have started a bit earlier and probably had one more.

Ottersmith · 31/01/2025 22:04

I always think that is not the right question really. If you have a sibling, would you say you wish you didn't have a sibling? No you wouldn't. They are your sibling. They just are there. Siblings can be challenging but they (hopefully) add love to your life. They are your family.

A child is a full person. So to me I interpret that question as ' the most amazing person that you love has shown up in your life. They are like a top little mate, would you put them back and not have had them?' well no. Never would even contemplate it for a second. Yes they come with sleepless nights etc but that is all so temporary.

Having a baby with a shit lazy partner is harder than being alone with a baby from what I've witnessed. Also, mybe some people (even some parents) seem to see babies and children as a blob or not a human, and they try to mould the child into fitting into the parents life, but they won't, so that frustrates them or something. They are just people. And when would you ever regret having a person to love in your life?

Walkaround · 31/01/2025 22:04

I absolutely would have my children again. I adore them and the privilege of having been involved in bringing them up and being such a massive influence on their development and wellbeing. I enjoyed watching them grow and develop. I enjoyed seeing the world through children’s eyes again, and sharing the things I loved as a child with my own children. Knowing now what I would have missed not to have had children, I consider myself phenomenally lucky to have had them. Yes, of course it was stressful, hard work and difficult at times, but it always felt worthwhile, whereas my life without children also felt stressful and difficult at times, but with far less certainty there was any point to the largely self-inflicted stress.

Now my children are more or less grown up, like with most worthwhile but occasionally very stressful experiences, I can look back with nostalgia and gloss over the stressful bits, because the overall rewards have been immense and are ongoing.

Zampa · 31/01/2025 22:05

I have one child with significant disabilities and my other one is ND. We have no family support, so it can be hard.

But I would have them, along with everything they come with, a million times over.

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 22:06

Very happy despite some of their health challenges and so on

Ollybob · 31/01/2025 22:07

Yes, had DD at 24 and she's been great, easy going and a lovely child (mostly!)
However if I could change her dad that would make both our lives easier and a hell of a lot more pleasant.

HattieHelvetia · 31/01/2025 22:08

Life without kids can be stressful. Life with kids can be stressful. The difference for me is that the highs before kids, although great at the time, never matched the highs and rewards after kids. Having them made my life feel so much more meaningful. I have a great partner though and he has loved parenthood every bit as much as me and shared all the highs and lows. That makes a huge difference.

mrlistersgelfbride · 31/01/2025 22:08

Maybe not.
I love my daughter to the ends of the earth but it's been hard . Her dad (my partner) is not a decent man and there's a big part of me that wishes I'd never laid eyes on him.

ilikeeggs · 31/01/2025 22:09

Yes absolutely, I’m so grateful for my two dds

lifeonmars100 · 31/01/2025 22:09

I would chose to be a mum again but not in the circumstances that unfolded when my child was born, my husband pissed off with a woman from his work when our baby was a few months old. He rarely paid me any child support for the first three years and then ceased completely after that, I was so broke, so tired, so depressed that itimpacted on my parenting and it was very hard to hold down a job, pay all the bills, do all the domestic stuff etc. I have no idea what it is like to share a child with someone who loves them as much as you do. Sometimes I look back at all the times I was not fully engaged with my child because of having to do it all, I also recall shouting, crying and just feeling unable to cope at times. The love and wonderment was like nothing else I have ever experienced, I was so proud of all their achievements and in some ways I am proud that I got us through but it was a real struggle