AIBU to request a “gift” back?

[requestingagiftback]

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

No, don’t ask for the clothes back. It would make you look petty. I do understand why you want to though. She should give the clothes back to you though because to ditch you but keep the clothes is grasping and hypocritical. “You’re totally not my kind of person, but I’ll keep these clothes!”

Not necessarily, it could be anything. Religion, political views, parental styles - but that wasn't what OP was asking about.

Are you going to text her @requestingagiftback ?

I think the 'deal breaker' must have been quite something for the woman to decide she didn't want to see OP again....

It seems odd that the OP won't mention now what the deal breaker was but was quite happy to say it or do it in front of another mum who she didn't really know that well.

I think she probably realises it was inappropriate/ offensive/ embarrassing, and that's why she won't say.

Unless you casually dropped into the conversation something like "I actually nicked them all from a posh washing line" I think she should return the clothes.

It would be petty to ask for it back.

I also agree with pp's that refusing to mention what it was clearly means that some people would completely agree with the other mother and not want to be friends with OP too.

I think it's fine to say "I understand your boundaries and won't expect any more, however I think it'd be fair for you to return the clothes as they were given in friendship and as that's not what you want, I'd rather keep them and sell them on as planned. Sure you'll understand. You can drop them off (details blah). All the best. "

Jokes aside I think the dealbreaker is relevant here. You met this woman at a soft play once it sounds like, and hit it off enough to organise a play date – now she wants nothing to do with you. That’s quite a leap. I admire her boundary-setting. Asking for the clothes back would seem aggro/escalating if the dealbreaker was “oh you like cats? I like dogs!”. But if the dealbreaker was something to do with bigotry, politics, anti-vaxxing, Trump-voting, etc etc, it’s interesting that she took the clothes with her rather than taking a stand there and then. So I think the dealbreaker is somewhere in-between extremes; it required reflection on her part.

I still don’t think you can ask for the clothes back: it was a gift freely given. They belong to her now. Same as they would if the dealbreaker had happened in a month’s or a year’s time.

I think this is perfect.

It all sounds incredibly intense though.

And you can't ask people not to be curious as to what precipitated this dramatic and explicit parting of ways. People are going to assume you are racist or homophobic.

I said this earlier but worth repeating - several women dumped me once they discovered my daughters are adopted (I adopted them, not me having them removed).

Another woman dumped me when she discovered my elder daughter had special needs. She had been OK with the adoption too.

It doesn't have to be anything sordid at all.

You aren't hiding it though. People are going to assume that pp is hiding it for a reason.

"hi, ok I appreciate your honesty. I'm a little hurt but I'll get over it. I will say I'm surprised you accepted my gift though under the circumstances and I think it would be the right thing for you to return them."

I'd send this too! And if she ignores you then at least you tried.

I haven't read all the replies, just the OP's posts.

I know someone who has been dropped by people when they discover that she's a Jehovah's Witness. Perhaps it something similar.

The OP should not have to give her reasons. People post for advice not to entertain everyone.

I understand you didn’t want your actual question to be derailed by focusing on her reason for cutting you off.

But whether you are being unreasonable in asking for the clothes back really depends on this context.

If you did something that many people would consider your friend justified in cutting you off, (for example, being harsh to her child), then YWBU to ask for the clothes back.

However, if your friend is cutting you off for her own personal reasons, or differences in opinions on something polarising, then YWNBU to ask for them back. Actually she should have offered them back to you in those circumstances - not as a rejection of your gift but so as not to be grabby.

Bear in mind how she might spin you asking for the clothes back. She might be try to make you look petty, unreasonable or mean, and start gossiping about you.

I hope this is the sort of answer you were looking for.

That's really great, posters offer advice and support then because an OP has a a hissy fit, sulks or doesn't like the answers they want the thread pulled.
This thread hardly comes across as sensitive and outing. Whilst we do not have a right to know things it's a complete waste of time to other posters just to see their help, support and advice go poofff into the ether. Very disrepectful too, just don't post anymore or hide it. Even though MN deletes it will always out there and can be found.

How bizarre. I can't imagine a scenario where some new friend goes into all this detail about why they don't want to be my mate. Must be my age but this kind of thing seems so confrontational and unnecessary. I'd back right off if that was me.

And why do you want clothes back that you were going to get rid of anyway? Just more drama getting them back and explaining why, 😬

Am I the only one amazed that anyone really comes to AIBU for advice? I thought we came to either take a pasting or to avoid gazing into the howling void.

I agree, it’s an anonymous site with a brand new user name just for this post so OP must know this opinion / action is contentious.

I was just giving examples of non sordid reasons for dumping someone.

I think she's a JW and tried to recruit the new friend into the cult.
Or she tried to sell her some Scentsy or FM perfume.
Or she's polyamorous and all three of her husbands came home from work at the same time.