AIBU to request a “gift” back?

[requestingagiftback]

I met another mum at a soft play and we hit it off, following week we had a playdate at mine.
My daughter is same reception year however DD is very tall for her age so is in next size up, her DD is very small so next size down.
I had a large bag of clothes (dresses, leggings, tops etc) I was going to sell but in the spirit of extending the arm of friendship I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours (I mean we’re not rich by any means and the money could of helped but she is a single mom and maybe i’m a sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️)

The playdate seemed to go well and we talked about setting up another one when she left.
However the next morning she text me to say that while she really liked me and blah blah blah lots of nice qualities, there was a part of the day she has decided was a deal breaker for her due to her own personal experiences and did not want to progress the relationship any further.
I accept that as I adamantly don't want to force myself upon anyone or press a boundary. I won’t discuss this here as that isn’t the point nor does it matter.

What I do want advice on is, is it acceptable for me to text her and say that I’d like the clothes back as tbh it feels like if I’m not good enough then neither should my stuff be?!? I can’t decide if maybe im just being/coming across a bit petty and am all up in my head over it?!?

so….

AIBU:

Yes: Tough tiddies, I gave them, too late now.

No: Sending a message asking for them back, whilst odd, is not unreasonable.

Just messaged her and say you accept that but under the circumstances now you would like the bag of clothes back. Fuck it, you have nothing to lose.

I offered her the bag which she gratefully accepted as I believe her finances differ to ours
YABU for saying this though. I've offered clothes to people in the past, I don't ever stop to consider their finances v mine. It's just passing on good stuff I no longer have a use for. This wording makes you sound a bit like you are better than her.

I would message saying would she like to drop the clothes off that you have her or does she want you to collect. Just a statement that she’s returning them

As it was the same playdate that she accepted the clothes and then said she did not want to be friends after all, you can ask for them back.

Ask using the words 'Having reflected on our meeting and your email in which you said you do not wish to be friends after all because of xxxxxxxxx I assume you will be returning my generous offer of the bag of clothing. If you leave the bag on your doorstep this evening I will collect it.'

But why ? The OP has been careful not to identify herself, or give us any hint about her possibly controversial views or actions.

A bit of speculation has passed the fifteen minutes allocated to this sort of stuff before starting the dinner. I’ve got anothe five minutes, I’m optimistic for some more speculation…..👻__

Makes you seem mean, and quite pathetic, if you now ask for a bag of kids clothes back after giving them.
It's obvious you did something unacceptable otherwise you'd just say what it was.

I think I'd have to mention it and say if she felt that way she really shouldn't have accepted the clothes from you... just so she knows

You can report the thread and ask for the moderators to take it down

Were you stacking the dishwasher while chatting and you let the dog lick all the plates first?

This is utterly compelling. I've never heard of anyone being so direct in a nascent platonic friendship.

I can't help but think that the OP realises the deal-breaker won't present her in a great light.

haha. Not as uncommon as you might think unfortunately. I know people (people I now avoid!) who very opening take drugs

I disagree, it could something as simple as differing parenting methods or personality clash that is triggering for the other person because of their backgrounds.
There are plenty of examples of situations like this on Mumsnet.

What's odd is to send that text rather than ghosting or evading the situation.

@requestingagiftback you gave the clothes because you believe her child needed them - the child's circumstances haven't changed on the basis of her mum not wanting more playdates, so maybe look at it as you've still been able to do something nice for the child, who shouldn't suffer for her parents' choices by having to give back things she needs.

Even if it might feel hurtful, at least you now know she doesn't want to be friends and why, and can go forward with that knowledge in mind rather than the more common 'fade out' or ghosting.

Depending upon what the deal-breaker was, you might want to reflect on that too and consider if there's anything you want to do differently in the future or not. Eg, I can be pretty opinionated about a range of things but tend to keep playdate chats with new potential parent friends about non-controversial topics as my primary goal is for my DC to have fun with their friends; however, if someone is going to have a problem with something like our ethnicity or put children at risk by having a dangerous dog loose in the playroom, I'm happy for that deal-breaker to end that relationship.

The fact that you won't even hint at what it was suggests it's something you know it is something really bad.

I'd love to know what the "deal breaker" was.

Was it something to do with over stepping the mark and commenting on her divorce and/or she felt patronised about this and possibly the saviour attitude to bringing her a charitable donation?

Either the OP did or said something very, very unreasonable or this new friend is just extremely blunt and direct. Either way the friendship wasn't meant to be.

Don't ask for the clothes back.

She should have offered to return the clothes in the message she sent about not wanting to continue a friendship with you. After such a clear rejection of your friendship, she should have felt uncomfortable keeping the clothes.

Unless the deal-breaker was something that reveals her to be a colossal bigot, then YABU to want the clothes back.

But it clearly wasn't something like that, or you'd have said so.

You can't really expect to get a straight answer to your AIBU without revealing what the dealbreaker was.

OP is kind - she gave the clothes - she didn't have to. It was done in the spirit of friendship and "Mums helping each other out" I've done that, as have I'm sure, many of you.

We don't then expect a rude and very unpleasant text. Most of us, if wanting to cool a friendship - especially a school gates friendship - would just leave it as polite acknowledgements at pick-up and hope that girls find other friends.

So we already know that Other Mum is a bit up herself. If she'd suddenly discovered OP was (?? a serial killer / a Tory voter / a GP receptionist / Angela Rayner's long lost sister???), she could have said something at the time and left the clothes either by "forgetting" to take them or by just saying "On second thoughts, I'll leave these with you ..."

I think OP has been treated very badly by the other mum whom she offered her hospitality to.

I hope you have better friends OP - and yes if you want to, send one of the suggested texts saying "I'm sure you no longer want the stuff I gave you..."

Some people don't value second hand clothes , so wouldn't think you wanted them back. Any that people made me take got put in the charity bin especially if they had pets or smoked etc. it's not like you gave her some really valuable object or lent her cash.
It could be anything where you differ - I agree with a pp who suggested XL bullies for example, or spliffs, just different values

She should have offered to return the clothes in that case. OP's gift of the clothes was a gesture of friendship. As she has rejected the idea of a friendship with the OP, she is rude to hang onto the clothes.

The clothes were a gift. As time went on you clearly crossed a red line for her she's been honest about it. Leave it now

Why do you assume she needs your hand me downs just because she's a single Mum? Such a stigma attached!

Absolutely agree and that's a great message.

She was a CF accepting the bag of clothes. I'd ask for them back. Sounds like she used you a bit. I am still curious what this deal breaker is though...

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It’s an odd text. I wouldn’t assume someone thought they were my new bff because they gave me a bag of clothes, and then feel the need to put them straight.
Did you explicitly offer her the clothes in return for friendship, and that’s the deal breaker? If you did and she’s now relenting, I’d demand the clothes back.
Otherwise you’re both very odd, her for assuming and you for the mystery deal breaker.