To think DH/in laws springing meal on you is unfair?

[OpalAnt]

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on this scenario.

Attended a conflict resolution/having difficult conversations workshop the other day at work, as I have recently started a more managerial role (I work in healthcare). It was quite interesting overall, exploring different behaviour types: the aggressive ‘bulldozer’, the submissive ‘doormat’ , the passive-aggressive ‘sniper’, and the healthiest way to handle these situations is with assertive behaviour. However one aspect of it didn’t quite sit right with me.

The scenario given (think in context of NHS hospital) was…

You’ve had a horrific day at work, so busy you’ve had no lunch break, headache, trains are delayed/stuck in traffic en route home. All you want to do is get home and crash out before your next shift tomorrow morning. You get through the door, and your DH says, ‘finally you’re home, get ready, my parents are going to take us out for a meal.’ 😳

The trainers’ reasoning was because your relationship with DH is high value and your own want (to go home and relax) is low value, i.e. you could suck it up (???), is that the smoothest way (and presumably what they were insinuating was that it was the BEST way) to deal with it, should go along to the meal because you value your relationship with your DH/in laws, and you don’t absolutely need to rest.

A couple of us pointed out that actually, isn’t that passive/doormat behaviour? We suggested an assertive but polite way to deal with the situation would be to say ‘sounds nice but I’ve had a horrendous day and just need to unwind. You go to the meal and enjoy your time with your parents, but I’ll be sitting this one out. Also, it’s not really fair to spring this on me when I’m already late home and you could have text to ask me at any point in the day, if this was ok with me?’

Trainer seemed a bit dumbfounded and said that responding with ‘it’s not fair’ is bulldozer behaviour! But why would DH and in laws needs be more important than mine? Isn’t it important to protect your own wellbeing and boundaries, and isn’t it somewhat disrespectful of them not to check in with you first?

What does everyone think? (I was thinking about it afterwards and realised I am probably biased as I don’t really have any kind of relationship with my in laws and pulling this sort of shit on a really inconvenient day sounds like something they would do lol- I probably would go along to the meal if I actually liked them 🤣)

It all sounds very OTT and navel gazy. I would probably appreciate a nice meal out and a few drinks after a shit day. Others might not. Go if you want. Or don't. No big deal either way.

I think the problem with workplace training is that it tries to interpret human behaviour or processes into neat binaries when in reality of course, everything exists on a spectrum.

I don't think it's either doormat or bulldozer behaviour I think. It entirely depends on the relationship generally, whether this is a one-off (work late) or whether work is damaging your ability to maintain relationships in your real life generally.

As for me- I'd go, my in laws have done a lot for me and I love and respect them and would suck it up. If our relationship was otherwise, maybe not.

I wouldn't go. If you work in a hospital then you'd have to have a shower, try make yourself look OK. My husband knows me well enough not to do that to me thankfully

The normal human reaction would fall between Great and Fuck Off.

Personally I'd need a half hour to lie on my bed in the dark, then I'd be ready to eat thanks very much.

Declining an invitation to any event that don't have the energy for is not being a bulldozer but asserting your own needs.

Interesting responses and I can definitely see why you’d appreciate some good company after a shit day (the company is what makes it, right?)

I guess the thing that bugged me was that they were insinuating that not going is the wrong choice, when they specified in the scenario that “all you want to do is go home and crash out.” I suppose I thought the focus would be on allowing yourself to go with what you want/need at that time; be it an early night, or a good meal and bottle of wine!

Not the point of the post, but...
Speaking as a MIL, I would say- I adore my DIL, but I am always thrilled to get time alone with my son. The dynamic is different when it's just the original family, and very precious... maybe everyone is happy if tired DIL doesn't come along.

In other words, sometimes everyone being polite and doing what they don't want just makes everyone less happy.

It's all about perspective perhaps. For some, they'd relish the idea of a meal out, not having to cook or clean. For others, it would just be another chore to an already long day. Neither is wrong or right. Me, personally. I'd appreciate a text message giving me a heads up. That way, I can decide on my own rather than it being sprung on me.

Are you a manager in the NHS? A bad day at work for us can look very different to a bad day at work to someone in e.g. an office role.

I suppose people have different ideas of what a ‘horrific day at work’ looks like…and DH/in laws who don’t work in the same field may not understand. I know my horrific days at work will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I think they're just trying to exemplify some nuance - having boundaries is all well and good but if your boundaries become walls that alienate you from your friends and family then they may not be as healthy as they seem. Sometimes we do have to do things we'd rather not do, in order to serve another purpose.

@TheLymeTrew maybe you need some training

@OpalAnt yes I am a manager In the nhs .
On paediatric icu if you must know. My horrific days are awful.

I'd still happily go out for a night out as a surprise and a one off.

I would have zoned out as soon as a random corporate trainer started telling me the 'right' way to handle my personal relationships.

Good on you for saying something.

I really don't but maybe I'm coming at this from a different perspective.

As a one off night out after a bad day in icu? Yes I'd do it

I think the trainer has a point that the 'it's not fair' response is a poor one. Not the right time for that conversation, and it would be better framed as 'I would rather have notice, so please text in future'.

But politely declining to go is fine. Rest can be a need, not just a want.

My thoughts exactly. If the roles were reversed and my DH had a horrible day at work, was home late, and my parents surprised us by booking a meal, I wouldn’t hold it against him in the slightest if he wanted to sit it out! I honestly don’t think this is selfish?

(I would also ask him earlier in the day if he wanted to come, rather than telling him when he finally walks through the door)

I'd have thought that telling someone to get ready because we are going out right now, without actually asking would be being a bulldozer, and going out when you would really rather just go to bed would be being a bit of a doormat. But I'm an introvert and sometimes I really don't want to go out.

To answer your question, I think 'it depends'.

It depends on your work, your health/state of mind, your relationship, your relationship with the inlaws, what else is going on in your life.

Which is why you'll get conflicting responses on here, and why your trainer was a weirdo for thinking there's one correct answer.

I mean in that specific situation I'd say "babe am fucked. Order us kebabs they can come to us. Stick es a straw in my bottle o wine n fetch it will ya? For preparation"

I am very familiar with PICU in my role so can imagine. Which is why your response surprises me.

Let me ask you then; if you and your colleagues had a horrible shift, and someone suggested you go out for a meal and drinks after it. You chose to go along, but a colleague you manage who is still processing the events of the day declined, saying that they needed to go home to decompress…would you think them pathetic?

I think the problem with all of this is the training sounds poor. Conflict resolution can happen in a number of ways and win-win is definitely one of them not just be selfish or navel gaze. In fact it’s one of the best methods because (there is a hint in the title) everyone can walk away happy. I get the trainer was trying to show personality types in conflict and probably you had to go through how each personality would react in that scenario and how you could adjust your style according to the personality you were dealing with.

Sounds like the trainer followed the script without any deep understanding.

The scenario was actually poor as there isn’t a conflict really nor is it a real workplace scenario.

A better example would have been something like you as a manager have assigned a piece of work and agreed outcomes and deadlines. Employee is making excuses and work isn’t done. Employee is blaming you for not being clear etc etc.

I think I would give this feedback to HR and have them consider changing trainers in future.

Exactly. So many caveats and I’m surprised the different factors was something they didn’t explore more, rather than having such a linear answer and being surprised when others challenged them.

What do I think?

I've literally just paid my tax bill 20 minutes ago and I'm thinking I'm paying for this bullshit trainer to spout this bullshit.

YANBU.