To think DH/in laws springing meal on you is unfair?

[OpalAnt]

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on this scenario.

Attended a conflict resolution/having difficult conversations workshop the other day at work, as I have recently started a more managerial role (I work in healthcare). It was quite interesting overall, exploring different behaviour types: the aggressive ‘bulldozer’, the submissive ‘doormat’ , the passive-aggressive ‘sniper’, and the healthiest way to handle these situations is with assertive behaviour. However one aspect of it didn’t quite sit right with me.

The scenario given (think in context of NHS hospital) was…

You’ve had a horrific day at work, so busy you’ve had no lunch break, headache, trains are delayed/stuck in traffic en route home. All you want to do is get home and crash out before your next shift tomorrow morning. You get through the door, and your DH says, ‘finally you’re home, get ready, my parents are going to take us out for a meal.’ 😳

The trainers’ reasoning was because your relationship with DH is high value and your own want (to go home and relax) is low value, i.e. you could suck it up (???), is that the smoothest way (and presumably what they were insinuating was that it was the BEST way) to deal with it, should go along to the meal because you value your relationship with your DH/in laws, and you don’t absolutely need to rest.

A couple of us pointed out that actually, isn’t that passive/doormat behaviour? We suggested an assertive but polite way to deal with the situation would be to say ‘sounds nice but I’ve had a horrendous day and just need to unwind. You go to the meal and enjoy your time with your parents, but I’ll be sitting this one out. Also, it’s not really fair to spring this on me when I’m already late home and you could have text to ask me at any point in the day, if this was ok with me?’

Trainer seemed a bit dumbfounded and said that responding with ‘it’s not fair’ is bulldozer behaviour! But why would DH and in laws needs be more important than mine? Isn’t it important to protect your own wellbeing and boundaries, and isn’t it somewhat disrespectful of them not to check in with you first?

What does everyone think? (I was thinking about it afterwards and realised I am probably biased as I don’t really have any kind of relationship with my in laws and pulling this sort of shit on a really inconvenient day sounds like something they would do lol- I probably would go along to the meal if I actually liked them 🤣)

They didn’t actually go through how different personality types would react to different scenarios, which was something that we as a group fed back to them at the end of the session as something we would have found useful.

Sometimes being assertive is the correct way, sometimes the better way is to go with the flow. The scenario obvious assumes you have a reasonable relationship with your inlaws. An evening spent with some good food and relaxed pleasant chit chat can be as rejuvenating as crashing out on the sofa and in this scenario it doesn't cause any fall outs or hardships.

Good point. I suppose choosing in laws as the example is quite a polarising topic as so many people have a love/hate relationship! Perhaps a more neutral example would have been friends inviting you out, or just DH. I would definitely have been more likely to go with the flow and suck it up had it been different company. 🤣

I agree inteovert/exteoblvert makes a huge difference.

As does what a 'bad day' looks like in your job. For the trainer it's probably a cancelled train on the commute and an unengaged group. My experience is veterinary rather than human medicine, but I would imagine it's a similar principle that some days need a drink and company; some need a good cry; and some need a shower, hair wash, dettol bath and then a good cry.

Not dealing with variables makes the training useless.

What happened during your horrific day?

As someone working in the NHS this is just the type of psychobabble management speak that gets me irritated! There is no nuance whatsoever. Even the whole bulldozer and doormat thing is going to be so time and person specific, they aren't personality types.

I'd be tempted to say- but what if your Jung type indicator means you are refreshed by solitary activity? What if following the stress bucket model, actually the meal adds to the bucket instead of adding a tap? Play them at their own game!

I think it's quite important in the vignette incidentally that it mentions you have a shift tomorrow. In that scenario it is most responsible to use the evening in whatever manner is going to mean you are able to perform best at work the next day.

I feel you on that one, and such a good point about what bad days look like for different people. Thinking back the majority of the group were non-clinical managers, so this may have had some sway

You sound like a bulldozer 😬

I agree. It sounds that according to the trainer that there was only one right answer. There should be room for adult discussion and compromise.

What rubs me the wrong way is the need to rest is ‘low value’. For some people it might be welcome after a rough day- go out, nice meal and company, leave the day behind and start fresh. For some it would be a nightmare- they’d want to just lay in a nice bath, get an early night etc.

Those courses are an absolute waste of time imo. You can’t pigeon hole people, we all have good and bad days. Some of us like our in laws, some people don’t get as tired/have more energy. You may not fancy cooking! So many factors to come into play.

I think this is a hypothetical illustration and to some extent you're trying to argue with the premise of the hypothetical rather than look at the process it's trying to walk through.

They're trying to illustrate a conflict resolution process - you evaluate the various needs and priorities in the situation (including the effects on relationships with the assumption that you value those) and then figure out the best option from there.This is in opposition to thought processes like "well it's my want (rest) vs my husband's want (me to go to dinner) and either I win or he does." The example was just trying to give an illustration of how you might use this approach, not making some sort of blanket statement about how your need for rest is inherently low value.

In this illustration hypothetical you weighs the positives for you and your family relationships and decides that the value of that is worth postponing your relaxation time. Could there be a situation where you did the same evaluation and decided it was deeply important that you get some rest, so that outweighed the relational aspects? Of course. But that's different than saying "no I'm just staying home because that's what I want to do. Or tacitly going along because that's what DH wants.Or going and being sullen the whole time.

Wow there are some insomnia typos in this 😬 Clearly I didn't proof-read to make sure my revisions made sense. Hopefully it's stil understandable.

It's rude to assume anyone would be up for doing something social with absolutely no notice.
OK to ask if they want to come along.. but to get your knickers in a twist because they said 'no thank you' is unhinged.
No way would i want to go out for a suprise meal after work (i also work for the NHS) I need at least an hour of just sitting in complete darkness with no one and nothing going on.
Other people might like it. But no one should assume.

OP i think you were completely right. It's ok to prioritise your needs. If given notice then maybe that would be different. But it IS rude of your DH to just decide what you were doing for the evening without consulting you.

Saying the need to stay in is low value tells you that the trainer only values one type of personality.

for me, it would make me distrust any advice the trainer had given. I would hope I had the opportunity to provide a review at the end of the training. I would be very direct that someone with that kind of bias has no business leading training in a diverse workplace.

It's not pathetic to not want to waste a nice meal out when you're fried after a long day. It depends on many things, but in my life, my DH would know not to spring things on me, especially when I just walk through the door. He'd have contacted me earlier to ask if I wanted to go out that evening. If his parents could only take us that evening, I might make a special effort, but it would be even more likely that they'd have given us more notice, if it was more of a special event.

Compromise is important, but both sides need to be respectful and understanding. I wouldn't want someone to force themself to go out with me on a particular night (with no advance warning) if they were too tired to enjoy the experience. That's not good for either of us.

It's a stupid scenario to use in workplace training. You are learning how to manage conflict in the workplace - would have been more appropriate for the trainer to create an imaginary scenario based around your own workplace. Domestic and family conflict scenarios are very different in nature and behaviour to workplace conflict.

Aside from that, the trainer sounds rubbish because they seem to have told you what the "correct" outcome is, when in fact there is no "correct" outcome. Good conflict resolution is about finding a solution that all conflicting parties are willing to compromise on and agree to - and that will differ for everyone each time.

This trainer doesn't strike me as fabulous and they apparently failed at getting things back on track, but I'm imagining a scenario where instead they gave an example where you came home from a long day craving a meal from a local cheap thai place and your DH says he made reservations for you at a michelin star italian place as a treat, so hypothetical you weighs it out and decides that it's more important to show appreciation for your DH's thoughtfulness and desire to have a romantic meal with you than to get your first choice of cuisine... but training attendee you hears this and raises your hand and starts arguing about the value of michelin stars and that thai takeout on the couch is more your idea of romance.

The specific premises of the hypothetical weren't the point, it was an illustration of a conflict resolution process that considers something beyond my way/their way. The trainer could have done a much better job of conveying that from the sounds of it.

I wouldn't want to be told as I was walking through the door that I was going out for a meal.

If I was being invited I'd want a bit of notice even a couple hours to get my head into it. But also with an invitation there's the option to decline if it's not for you or you have other plans.

This sounds more like a summons.

Agreed

A work conflict resolution/difficult conversations workshop should only use examples from work. I'd give very pointed feedback on this workshop.

I think you're right. The assessment of right and wrong here shows a very poor understanding of personalities and priorities and the the idea that a marriage would suffer over not going to an impromptu dinner.

If I said no thanks to a single last-minute dinner, it's hardly going to jeopardise my relationship with DH or his family. He and his family know I like them just fine and I don't have to go to dinner with them to prove that. If you got home tired and suddenly remembered you had to go meet your BF's parents for the first time, then you do have to suck it up for the sake of the relationship.

I'd take the time that I needed to dress (even a bath) and then DH would be driving.
I would accept the invitation because my husband was excited and because I'd appreciate that my inlaws were being generous and kind.
I couldn't refuse a kind gesture like that, unless I had a gastro.

I would feel okay about leaving when I felt tired after the meal.
I would have a great sleep - no dishes nor tidying up!

How did the person doing the training come to the answer they deemed to be correct?
It's all very subjective to the individuals involved.
One path may not work for everyone .
It seems like a very daft scenario as an example . Especially as the instructors personal preference could heavily influence the supposedly correct response

I would be out the door, flinging on clothes, and on my way before my DH had finished the sentance. Someone taking me out for a meal, especially after a shit day, sounds fantastic.

However, there is no right or wrong answer, it all depends on the person.