To think DH/in laws springing meal on you is unfair?

[OpalAnt]

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on this scenario.

Attended a conflict resolution/having difficult conversations workshop the other day at work, as I have recently started a more managerial role (I work in healthcare). It was quite interesting overall, exploring different behaviour types: the aggressive ‘bulldozer’, the submissive ‘doormat’ , the passive-aggressive ‘sniper’, and the healthiest way to handle these situations is with assertive behaviour. However one aspect of it didn’t quite sit right with me.

The scenario given (think in context of NHS hospital) was…

You’ve had a horrific day at work, so busy you’ve had no lunch break, headache, trains are delayed/stuck in traffic en route home. All you want to do is get home and crash out before your next shift tomorrow morning. You get through the door, and your DH says, ‘finally you’re home, get ready, my parents are going to take us out for a meal.’ 😳

The trainers’ reasoning was because your relationship with DH is high value and your own want (to go home and relax) is low value, i.e. you could suck it up (???), is that the smoothest way (and presumably what they were insinuating was that it was the BEST way) to deal with it, should go along to the meal because you value your relationship with your DH/in laws, and you don’t absolutely need to rest.

A couple of us pointed out that actually, isn’t that passive/doormat behaviour? We suggested an assertive but polite way to deal with the situation would be to say ‘sounds nice but I’ve had a horrendous day and just need to unwind. You go to the meal and enjoy your time with your parents, but I’ll be sitting this one out. Also, it’s not really fair to spring this on me when I’m already late home and you could have text to ask me at any point in the day, if this was ok with me?’

Trainer seemed a bit dumbfounded and said that responding with ‘it’s not fair’ is bulldozer behaviour! But why would DH and in laws needs be more important than mine? Isn’t it important to protect your own wellbeing and boundaries, and isn’t it somewhat disrespectful of them not to check in with you first?

What does everyone think? (I was thinking about it afterwards and realised I am probably biased as I don’t really have any kind of relationship with my in laws and pulling this sort of shit on a really inconvenient day sounds like something they would do lol- I probably would go along to the meal if I actually liked them 🤣)

Concerning that the NHS is wasting money on this shit.

YANBU, and I'm a bit perturbed that the trainer expected you to put your needs last, in the scenario she gave. I work in the NHS too (I'm a B6 though) and after a long day on the ward (particularly after a really bad shift), the last thing I'd want to do is be summoned out for a meal: I do need to decompress and sit quietly/rest at home. And if I have another shift the next day, I need to get to sleep at a good time. Not sure about you OP, but my shifts are 7am-8pm: I'm on the ward before 7am and I rarely leave dead on time. FWIW, I'm not saying that my job is harder or more important than anyone else's, of course it isn't. Logistically though, it would have to be a really serious thing for me to not stay home and rest on an evening between two shifts: I get home about 8:30pm (often later), and I need to be leaving the house by 6:30am at the latest to get to work on time.

Promoting good self care and R+R is important. As managers (again, I'm only a B6), we should promote this for everyone. I've found as women, we've almost been trained to put our needs last after everyone else's. I used to go along with all of XH's plans, often to my detriment. It made my own health suffer, as I often played catch up with sleep (whilst working FT, being the breadwinner, juggling parenthood etc).

I agree with you

I had the same question when I saw "You get through the door, and your DH says".

I'd be interested to know how they "train" a group full of male managers. TBH the description doesn't sound like very good training.

Negotiating, resolution, assertiveness are all part of core non technical training for us and we spend a lot of money on good quality training using programmes backed by our own data (ie data from our own people) and usually taught by our own experienced staff. I've also seen shockingly bad "soft skills" training provided by companies who whizz in and provide tick box training for a half a day or a day. The latter is just a waste of money but is very popular where organisations want to tick the box rather than bring about actual change.

I also think if dh had added "I've been trying to call you all afternoon to let you know" that would make a difference too as it would show he had enough consideration and respect to do that but as it stands, it's like the dw has no say in the matter.

Surely it would depend on the reason for the meal.

I can tell you 100% that someone springing a meal out on me after bad day at work in the NHS would be disappointed in my response.

I think why not just be yourself , say how you feel and that should respected. If you really dont feel like going out after a hard day then of course someone would have every right to say sorry had an awful day at work I can't come this time you go and have a nice time , then a text apologising to inlaws. If the husband and in-laws valued the wife ...they would understand. So if husband didnt understand and moaned , his response would be bulldozer response. l also don't think it is fair to spring a meal out like that on someone without saying first we were thinking of going out would that be OK, or when are you free. I think it all comes down to consideration and respect on both sides of things. People should be considerate and respectful to ask first and respect any response from ths other person. On the otherhand other person might react to a meal out as a treat , so they font have to cook or wash up after such a hard day !!

Also, they should be using professional examples and the fact they haven’t suggests they don’t understand what you do

But if it was a shit, stressful and exhausting day, what does the reason matter? Surely, if the meal was to mark some great occasion it could take place on the persons day off, or at a less stressful time?

Reading your post again, the training seems to be a direct lift from the 1980s ‘A Woman in Your Own Right’ assertiveness book/training. So not conflict resolution at all, and not directly having difficult conversations.

And this is just a weird scenario to choose for a work course.

As others have said, unfortunately this just sounds like low quality training.

What reason would it be sprung on someone where a decline would seem rude?

Why is it a ‘thank goodness you’re home’ situation? What is the urgency in having to accept a short notice meal invite on a work day?

What is so special about this dinner that three adults (dh and in-laws) would be so upset at a decline?

The whole scenario doesn’t really make sense. Can’t they think of something better thought out.

Well it is a shit scenario in the first place -.I agree it is unlikely to spring an important (or any tbh) meal out on anyone - tired or otherwise - for example some amazing or shocking news perhaps would be something I would consider sucking up tiredness for - but I have never experienced such a scenario personally.

I have been asked to help out in an emergency when tired and my response depended on a judgment/balance of my situation/ whether there were other solutions that could work/ the emergency/ the person asking - so I guess my point is in any situation where you are under stress and a demand is made of you it is a case of making a judgement /balance and responding based on that.

"As does what a 'bad day' looks like in your job. For the trainer it's probably a cancelled train on the commute and an unengaged group"

Nah, a bad day for the trainer is an engaged group that don't passively accept what she has to say, and have the audacity to question and state their own opinions😂

If they were driving and paying for it I would be pleased. I would say that's great but just to warn you I am knackered from work so not great company. If they were happy with that then out I would go! Take a paracetamol if needed.
If I was expected to pay for dinner or drive I would say no thanks. I'm always skint so can't just randomly go out for dinner and I don't feel safe driving if I'm really tired.

Mon Dieu why do you care so much?
That must have taken ages to type 😂

Id love to be surprised with a nice meal out. I thought it meant springing a meal on you that you had to cook and host!
As pp said, what a fucking bizarre waste of money.

What is wrong with the trainer?

I would enjoy the meal out and probably feel much better for it.
If it had been that he had invited them round and I had to cook, something demanding something from me or something that would mean a late night I would feel differently. So yes I think I agree with the trainer in this scenario

I don't work for the NHS so my worst day wouldn't even come close to some of the days NHS workers experience however, if my DH arranged a meal after work with no prior notice I wouldn't care if the Pope himself was attending....I most definitely wouldn't be!
I wouldn't even be that polite when declining the invitation to be honest, either plan something in advance so I can get my head around what needs doing, what I'm wearing, whether or not I'll need an extra shower and to re do my makeup etc or I am going nowhere.
The trainer was spouting bollocks and shouldn't be telling people in a job that literally handles life and death that they 'don't need to rest'!

1. The trainer is obviously a moron. I am often astounded at the calibre of individuals delivering these types of sessions with zero ability to consider all the perspectives and dynamics that could enrich all attendees' experience. The correct answer is whatever the fuck works for you in these situations.

1. As a MIL myself, I would hope to not be such an intrusion, and if I inadvertently was, fully expect and hope that my DILs felt absolutely comfortable telling me to bugger off.

Absolutely! After describing being on your feet all day and knowing how exhausting your work will have been, very different to a day in the office/wfh. Like teaching, full on, draining, no proper break, should I have a coffee as will need to pee but won't be able to. Xx

Doesn't sound like a very sophisticated level of training if the trainer can not take on other points of view. It's also making huge assumptions about 'normal' family dynamics.

On a good day neither of us would dream of springing this on each other.
It simply wouldn't happen.

Totally agree with you that to say Not happening is a perfectly reasonable response.

Is the Trainer a Man?

Are the audience mostly women?

If yes to both, maybe the Trainer is being 'passive aggressive '.....or even 'Projecting'....