To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

Six months is a long time at his age, or rather seven until September.

Keep trying, review again in May. What I found with mine was they did whatever it was very shortly after the point I started to panic!

Keep a journal of progress to help you see it.

Why start him in September 2025? He can start in September 2026 and enjoy play based learning for an extra year and start school when he is emotionally and physically more ready.

I wouldn’t worry too much. They all develop at different stages. You still have ages before school and a lot can change in that time.
Worst case scenario he holds poos during the day and does them in a nappy at night. Well that is ok.
He doesn’t dress himself well for going outside and needs help from the teacher. Ok, they are used to that (and a bit of pressure that everyone else does it themselves and ends up outside sooner will motivate him).
None of what you are saying is awful. Breathe, keep reading to him and stimulating him, keep chipping away at other skills. He will be fine.

He's simply too young to go to school. You send them far too early in the UK, just wait a year.

If it helps, my 8 year old (in y4, august born) would also do anything to avoid getting himself dressed, and still doesn't sleep through the night. He's never had an issue getting changed at school, and is flourishing on all counts.

Your son sounds like he will be more than ready for school in so many other ways, the toileting and getting dressed will come. And you may find it comes naturally once he starts school and wants to fit in with his peers

So he'll have just turned 4 when he starts? I would wait until next September if you don't think he's ready

@JagerPlease you must be exhausted after 8 years + of night wakings! 😩

My dd was a summer born and I wish I had held her back a year. I would really consider it OP. Hopefully he will get there though we were lucky that chocolate always bribed ours to sit in the potty. Is he a bit constipated? Might it hurt when he goes?

If he only feels comfortable to poo at home, that’s not a big problem. Plenty of children can be later with that aspect of toilet training. My own child was. As far as getting dressed, at our school they come dressed for pe already on pe days (I think this is quite common post covid) and plenty of reception age children still ask for assistance with coats, gloves etc, which is given. Independence is encouraged of course, but help will always be given with toileting and dressing where needed. Try not to let it worry you too much. He will get there in his own time.

Agree that it's a long way til September, they are still changing and learning so fast at his age.

I would really try to take a focus off school as some kind of hard-line point by which he must have ticked all these boxes, and just think of things in their own terms (sorry I can't quite express it right!) so with the toilet stuff I would say that's something to address in itself as obviously it will be better for him when he's comfortable doing a poo out of a nappy. If he kept doing that for a long time it would be a sign of concern in itself.

But the dressing and the sleeping - totally normal for his age and it really doesn't matter that much in the scheme of things. Yes they want kids to be able to dress themselves ideally but it's things like shoes and coats more than socks and it's not a sign of concern in itself if a 3 or 4yo struggles with dressing.

Try not to compare him with others (including yourself!) but if it does help ease your sense of impending failure, my summer born 4yo is at school and....
...is tiny and looks like the younger sibling of some of his new friends 😂
...can't put on his socks, just about does his velcro shoes but always on the wrong foot
...shows no interest in picking his own clothes and doesn't dress himself cos we never have time for it. Can just about undress in eve.
...hated nursery drop offs, cried intermittently for years (happy in the days) but absolutely loved going to school. Hesitant on the first day or two ran in pretty much from then on, and has only had one day of tears when it turned out he was coming down with a bug
.... Wasn't especially interested in writing or sounding out letters before he started - except to recognise initials of his own name- but now can read at the level expected of him and form letters the same
...still has a parent with him every night going to sleep, I usually cuddle him in the bed. My 10yo also still likes a parent to sit with him and 12yo too on occasion when he's upset or whatever
....still wakes up and comes to our bed every night

That's what I was going to say. What's the rush? He's so little and on his own timeline. Such a shame to spend his last few free months like this.

Maybe you do need to force the pace here? He can't start school unable to use the toilet and it's not going to happen by magic.

He’ll be ready in his own time. I really wouldn’t worry. There really is still so much time.
My son still had a night time nappy in the first year of reception. He barely used it but it gave him reassurance.
He is 10 now and still prefers I read to him until he drops off. It’s one of my favourite parts of the day. We natter about school and then read novels together 😊 I know these days are numbered.

Just try to enjoy these last few months. His confidence will grow and grow. Try and encourage him without getting too anxious.

You’re overthinking babe
He’s starting school whether he’s “ready”
or not. End of. So don’t worry. You are an engaged and interested and proactive mum so severe SEN aside he will be absolutely fine. That’s absolutely all they need, a parent that gives a small shit and then they’re fine.
Neither of mine have ever pooed at school, at risk of invoking the poo troll I have never pooed anywhere except my own home or a holiday home/place I am staying overnight. Put a nappy on him when he gets in if needed.
Getting dressed? They are all fucking awful at that but slowly as their mates are doing it he’ll catch on.
Fast forward a bit. He’s 18, he’s off to Uni. You’re dropping him off at his halls and saying goodbye. Everyone’s crying.
Are you having to pop a nappy on before you head home so he can have a poo? Do you need to get his joggers off and his jeans and shirt on so he can go clubbing?
No and no. Literally don’t even worry about this again. If it will sort itself out.
If it won’t matter in ten years then it doesn’t matter now.

And this is why teachers have to waste time dealing with the personal hygiene of children who should be learning to write instead. It actually does matter now because it results in lost learning time for all the other children. The idea of sending a 4 year old to school in a nappy, assuming no SEN, is absolutely insane. How about the OP actually parents her child?

I'm a mum in my early 60s. No child in my class or my sons class could not effectively use a toilet and dress/undress themselves at school age. Parenting needs to get back to the basics, kids don't learn these things on a mobile phone or a tablet.

@NightFeeds I remember being upset dd wasn’t potty trained at 2 3/4. She had some check up at the doctors and I mentioned it. His advice was: don’t mention it to her. Don’t talk about it. Say nothing. Use a nappy and don’t speak when toy change it. For a month or two. Dead on 3 she was dry and clean all the time. Yes, a girl but they do get there. I’d probably refuse the nappy after Easter though. At weekends! You cannot let him always dictate this.

Ditto with dressing. No dressing no going out. Use this when it’s his treat. Not something you must do. Get him to choose his clothes thd night before and say you have a new game. Beat the clock at getting dressed. School might want this done anyway - of course he might be ok for pe at school. Maybe he would like to be like everyone else but doesn’t have 3 year old role models. Does he want to please you? Make if clear you you will delighted with him if he gets dressed. Start to say there’s less time to do X if he takes too long. Start introducing consequences.

If he’s bright, don’t put him down a year. He’s ruling the roost and he’s clearly bright enough for school but he knows how to press your buttons. So ignore it. Stay quiet and start dime consequences of not getting dressed.

@GirlfromtheNorthLondonCountry
Have you had problems reading the OP?
@NightFeeds IS parenting her child and very diligently too. She’s putting a lot of thought and effort into getting him “school ready”
(completely made up concept) and is trying her very best. In fact so much so that she’s now focussed on not upsetting his future teachers rather than enjoying her time with her son.
He wouldn’t have to go to school in a nappy, he would poo when he got in, clearly.

This. A million times, this!

Totally agree.

We did this with our summer born who, gently, was 'further on' than your DC in some ways. They're in year 1 now and absolutely thriving at school, I'm so thankful I had the confidence to go with my gut and do that for them.

There's an article in the Times Education Supplement saying that the post-covid cohort of kids starting reception are struggling with this stuff across the board. It says some kids have had so much screen time and isolation time indoors that they don't have the core strength to sit up on the carpet to listen to a story.

Honestly, it sounds to me as though the OP is well ahead of the game here, given the challening circumstances that her child has been born into.

Well done OP.

I would also defer school start if you have the option though. We should have done that for my DS and it's been rubbish for him struggling to cope for years at school.

Honestly, I used to panic like this with my first but relaxed more over time. Now I realise that their emotional needs and happiness are more important. He won’t get to 18 and still not be able to dress himself. It will come.

I have a 13 year old who is so independent and sensible she could go off and live by herself now and an 11 year old who cant do shoe laces and comes into my bed every night despite being an academically high flyer.

it will come. Don’t panic

I find it crazy how many 4 year olds aren't toilet trained now. There was a story about it on bbc news. Lazy parents. My ds is summer born and always needed a push to do things independently but he's 4 and toilet trained!

We don't have much choice most parents need to work full time to afford to live so they would be in nursery if they aren't in school as people can't afford to take years off to stay home.