To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

OP, ignore posts like these. They are so ignorant.

My DC3 also struggles with poo withholding and we've tried every trick in the book. GP won't do anything until Y2 (other than laxatives now) and HVs are all out of advice other than keep doing what you're doing. Super frustrating and worrying as school approaches but they won't be the first to go to school who need support with this.

I'm surprised nursery aren't doing more about school readiness though. E.g. my DC has been trying on school uniforms and we've been getting an update on what they struggle with. Obviously we know what they can and can't do from home but helpful for her to see nursery peers doing it too.

Some posters make out like barely four year olds are treated like Victorian urchins, sitting at rows of desks chanting their times tables. In actual fact, Reception (which is the first year of school, for ages 4-5) is largely play-based. They learn the basics of letters / sounds and numbers, but in very short bursts, and spend the rest of the day essentially playing in a free-flow setting where they can choose their activity, whether they are indoors or outdoors etc. They may well do things like forest school, music, PE etc. and attend assemblies and other whole school gatherings. It’s really about getting used to being in school, learning the rules and routines, having maybe two adults to 30 kids as opposed to 1:4 like at nursery so needing to be more independent.

As a very practical point, you'll probably find that, from about Easter, his nursery will ask them to bring in "PE kit" (any t shirt & shorts) so that they can get used to changing for PE. Even with that, it is common in the first term of reception for PE to be 20 mins of changing, 20 mins of PE (if you're lucky!) and 20 mins of changing back again, which is why so many schools have children coming into school in their PE kit on PE days (and for all those saying "it was never like this in my day, when my mum taught Yr1 in the 80s, the DC came to school in their PE kit on PE days and swimming days)

With the nappies do the thing where you start by having him poo in the nappy but sat on the potty or loo. Or squatting over it to start with or whatever. Gradually move to him doing this with one side of the nappy unfastened. Then the other.
Then have him pooing onto the nappy spread over the potty. Then cut the nappy smaller until he lets you swap it for a wad of toilet paper.

It might take 2-3 months, start it now.

This. It's amazing how 'peer pressure' can create motivation when they start school and see what others can do. And even if he doesn't get everything right straight away, he will get there. My DS is in Year 1 and still won't poo at school. Sometimes comes home with a skidmark. He struggles a bit with zips, and he hates cutlery. But we're getting there! He's smart and funny and has friends. It will be fine, OP.

DS2 was still waking in the night and coming to sleep in our room (we put a mattress on the floor for him, to minimise disturbance to us) when he was 11!

Oh and make sure he sees you & your husband poo in the loo. Like let him be in the room so he knows you poo too and its normal and not a bit of his body falling off.

First thing I’d say is you need to relax about this. He sounds like a normal 3.5 year old boy. A lot of the things you’ve said are very similar to my son at that age - now 6. I wasn’t sure he was ready for reception (despite being a middle of the year child) and actually it was a very gentle introduction and he has thrived. It sounds like your son physically can dress himself just isn’t very willing. That’s totally normal. I bought bamboo socks from sock shop which are soft/stretchy and much easier to get on than some others. Don’t compare him to yourself at that age, girls can be VERY different.

Regarding the toileting, I think you have some work to do here, although not specifically because of school. My son would withhold too and we used (prescribed by doctor) movicom to soften and encourage bowel movements. We got him comfortable using the toilet over a couple of months. He will still hold his poo at school and wait til he’s home and perhaps your son will do the same. But on wearing nappies, it’s not unusual to allow wearing a nappy to encourage them onto the toilet, then start cutting a hole in the nappy that increases in size over weeks/months until they are happy to poo directly into the toilet. We didn’t do this but joined a Facebook group for parents dealing with these sorts of toileting issues and it was very common approach.

However I don’t think anything you’ve said is very unusual and I was kind of amazed how quickly my son grew up between September to December that first year.

You’ve got 8 months. He’s not the same now as he was 8 months ago, is he??

I teach in reception and most children struggle to dress themselves at this age, so don't worry. The toileting issue will come and once he sees his peers using the toilet it will gradually improve.

Please don't delay the year. The children learn so much in reception, not just the typical academic stuff, but more importantly the social side of things, sharing, taking turns, listening etc.

Your child would be joining a class of children who have already had a year of school and will know each other, staff, routines and rules.

I think you're reading too much into school readiness...by self dressing they mean putting on a coat and shoes pulling up trousers.
They do not expect him to be reading and writing but be able to sit and listen in groups....as he will be doing in nursery.
Have you looked at the Eric website for the pooh withholding?

I would definitely start him later if you can op. I’m not from the uk and I know it happens in other countries but 4 is far too young to start school. Where I am children are 6. Nothing you can do about it but when I read threads on here about 4 year olds and parents worried about their writing and reading , it sounds crazy!

Why don't you defer entry till 2026? It would be better for him in the long run, as summer born children are disadvantaged throughout their entire school career, up to age 18 and beyond. The effect is more pronounced in boys than in girls.

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See if you can get him into a pre-school attached to a school, with school hours and term times. We did this with DS and it was brilliant for him, no more tears at drop off, and he's absolutely thriving at school now.

Don't stress too much about the pooing, he will get there - let him use a nappy for now and don't force it, he can hold it till home time once he's at school. Is he constipated? Or has he been? Painful pooing can lead to fear of pooing on the loo or potty. See if you can get him to poo on the loo with a nappy on, make sure you get an over-seat with steps so he's not afraid of falling in and his feet are fully supported.

Covid began nearly 5 years ago. The OPs son is 3.5!

As for kids unable to sit up due to poor core strength surely that’s either bollocks or it’s a couple of kids with other issues going on!

OP don’t stress, he’ll change a lot in 7 months.

I wasn't aware that you could defer school for an entire year? I thought they had to start the term after they turn 4, so January would be the latest?

It's still early. DS1 was definitely not activelt dressing himself at 3.5yrs old. The summer before he started school we focused on him getting dressed, it was fine and no problem. Although he was one of the oldest turning 5 in the October.

Have you looked at the ERIC website? They have lots of advice for potty training and ways to tackle issues such as yours.

I would say try not to stress, if the nursery aren't worried about it then he isn't unusually behind. Nursery do a lot to prepare little ones for school.

You can apply for a child to start on Reception at compulsory school age I.e. the term after they are 5 (not 4). They don't have to allow it.

That's for the children that started September 2024.

They were born during covid lockdown and as a result they and their parents bore the result of social isolation and lack of services to promote the health and development of children. Health visitors were redeployed and not doing visits, no children's centre, no baby/toddler groups.

Op child was born after all the lockdowns.

Mine was always fine with poos but constantly wet herself

Even after starting school, there were a few accidents but it didn't last long

They adapt pretty quickly

i think deferring should be a last resort if they’re really struggling not just with dressing and loo.

They’d be celebrating birthdays a year ahead of classmates. And there’s a danger of comparing … you’d expect your child to be ahead of his peers if he’s older but that wouldn’t necessarily be the case.

Totally agree with @BG2015. I felt like this about my DD starting last September and she's flourishing now. The first year they play a large proportion of the time so it's not that different to nursery.

My DD had issues with constipation and I really feared we would have to send her in nappies occasionally when things were bad. Luckily we didn't have to as things improved close to September, but we were very surprised to find that by Christmas she no longer had constipation issues. I think this was down to her seeing other children using the toilets and realising it was not scary.

OP make sure the school have footstools/steps in the toilets. We found my DD was avoiding using the toilet because she couldn't physically get on it. We told her to mention it and they put one in there. She wasn't the only tiny kid so others must have also been struggling. She's the same size as her 2yr old brother who is also small for his age.

Buy the easy dressing versions of the uniform if he's struggling with clothes. Velcro fastening polo shirts and school shirts etc. My DD only does PE once a week if they have time, so it's not likely he'll be needing to dress/undress often anyway. The kids help each other with buttons etc.

I remember nursery talking a lot on their comms newsletter about core strength and getting them ready for sitting still for long periods. I always thought they were overblowing it until I saw the news article yesterday about kids that can't sit on a carpet 🤯.

If he's able to sit still and you say he's compliant etc I really don't think he'll struggle at all and deferring him might be to his detriment.

They don't expect them to be able to read and write at 4 (I remember nearly 40yrs ago getting into trouble at school for being able to write independently and not writing over what the teacher had written in yellow, so it's not suddenly become low expectations). My DD is doing fine and school learning suits her better as she really doesn't like learning anything from us, she's very resistant to us trying. She's in the average group at school which we're happy with and is excited to learn new letters and sounds. We're so glad we didn't defer her.

My DD was similar with potty training. Trained to use the toilet for wees at around 3 1/2 but would only poo in her bedtime nappy for ages. One day it just changed and she started to poo on the toilet. We didn't really push this, just encouraged her to try occasionally. As other have said, a lot can change in 6 months. My DD was only just 4 when she started school. There are several in her class, older and younger, having the odd toilet accident still but she hasn't yet, so to be honest you never know what they're going to be like! However school is very understanding of how young they are, at least ours is.

Being able to get himself dressed will be more important than any academic skills I would say, as school will handle all that. So I would focus on that more.

Yeah honestly, they work on this with them
In reception

Reception is just a slightly more formal nursery

Ah, i didn't realise that- just googled it!

He would then go straight into year 1 though. It would be better to start in Reception either part-time or in January (or both) while they still have a lot of learning through play.

His drawing and letters are scores ahead of my 3.5 year old! You're doing all of the right stuff and he'll be ready when he's ready so don't worry, I'd be surprised if he doesn't develop the skills in the next 6 months. Even where he is now will be har ahead of some of the other kids in reception

Not into Yr1, into Reception. The regulations changed 7? 8? Years ago.