To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

YR is the EYFS curriculum but not toilet trained dc are such a drain on resources. Back in the day a morning pre school would not take not toilet trained dc at 3. Now we think 4 is ok?

Childrrn do develop at different rates. If the DS likes the idea of books and reading then he should do it. Many dc compartmentalise learning. They don’t learn at the same speed. My summer born dc were not the babies of the class and could do what others did. It’s a huge mistake to believe a child not reading at 7 in this country will catch up. That’s for the birds. I can assure other countries will teach the foundation of reading before that and dc who want to read early, will do! No child is held back.

The OP has 7 months. That’s more than enough time to firstly back off. Then restart from Easter. Clothes can be pull on and pull off. He will get that over the summer.

Starting school at 4. ??

So soon, all mine were 6, were fine as had nursery before.

Don't know why kids go to school so young ,you're in England I guess?

They don’t need to start until they are 5 ( term after) it’s a shame more parents don’t take that option.

There is nothing to indicate this child won't be fully trained in 6 months. The issue in children going in untrained is 5 and 6 year olds starting in nappies with parents not even having attempted training not 4 year olds having occasional accidents. The other disadvantage of keeping a child in nursery is that they will be the oldest in a setting not set up to support them re doing what they did last year

I have a summer born son who is in reception. He is thriving, loving it and I can't believe how much his reading and writing has developed already (he could only write his name before starting school). You still have several months and he'll develop a lot in that time, especially with nursery helping with getting them ready for school too. I think you're putting far to much pressure on being able to get dressed, just keep helping and practicing. The more you get stressed and frustrated probably the less likely he'll be willing to try.

If I had a summer born boy I would defer without a question.

The difference between my May born boy and November born girl was not the 6 months that it actually is but more like about 2 years in terms of school readiness - and my DS is bright, had been fully toilet trained since 2 and could dress himself and read before he started school - still my DD just in a different league in terms of desire and ability to focus and learn, and in particular to write.

Id also say that 7 months is massive for a 3.5 yo and progress isn’t linear so don’t stress as so much will come naturally as he gets older - I’m sure he will be toilet trained by Sept (though I’d still defer).

Also - why does he need to dress himself? Schools don’t normally make them change for PE these days. Mine are well able but I still help them in the mornings sometimes at 6 and 4 because it’s just quicker!

Edited to add: reception is play-based still so not such a shock to summer borns - but the approach and vibe changes completely in year 1 and better to have that shift come at 6 than only just 5.

Deferring means starting reception a year later. The DfE guidance and research is very clear that the majority of summer born children who start school at 4 do worse their peers all the way up to and including GCSE level.

Reception year is not normally the problem
for these children. It when they hit year 1 and learning become a lot more formal that they struggle.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. I can see that in the majority people have experience of their children coming on leaps and bounds in the space of the 6-8 months so I’m going to try to relax a bit but keep working on those skills.

I’m keen not to defer as he’s already been in the Preschool room at nursery for the days that he goes since age 3 and I’m not convinced that a second year (4-5) would gain him as much as going to school would. School hours I think will also be better for our family as it means the end of compressed hours for us and more time as a family in the evenings which we all look forward to.

I’m very grateful for all the poo suggestions and think that I’ll give myself a little break until after my week off next month and then when I’m all fresh I’ll start again with some of the books and techniques mentioned.

He can pull a sweater on and off and get PJ bottoms down and up except I have to help him get his feet in the legs first and get wellies or loose shoes on and off so maybe based on the descriptions of being able to do shoes and a coat he’s not as behind as I thought.

Certainly to those who think it’s lazy parenting that’s got us to this point, please be reassured we are working as hard as we can to get past these and we really hope it’s not our doing.

Thanks again

@NightFeeds Also please do not believe all summer born dc struggle at school. My DDs really thrived at School. Mid August and May birthdays. They didn’t get lower results in anything. So if he’s ok for YR in every other way, go with it. My DDs would have been truly bored staying at nursery. They had done the pre YR curriculum. In those days it was phonics. Y1 is only an issue if dc really haven’t settled into reading and other skills. My DDs enjoyed books and reading so why hold them back due to a birth date?

Agreed. My summer born DC was one of the last intake that was half days till Easter. If he had been a year younger he would had been full time from September and it t would have been an utter disaster. Some manage it at that age, some don't.

But I accept if your circumstances don't allow you to keep them home for another year then it's a bit difficult.

@NightFeeds you could look at a preschool within a school.

Its a great transition as they often wear uniform and it’s a school feel, school hours etc and they do a bit of phonics but importantly get to spend another year playing.

My DD as I said is November born and learned to fully read and write at her preschool - she certainly wasn’t bored (so many people say they couldn’t defer as their child would be bored, it’s a load of rubbish).

I have a lot of experience on this topic actually. I have one in school (used to be in nursery a couple years ago) and one in nursery now.

the nursery we use informed my DS’s friend’s parents they would not legally be able to have him past 5, and due to waiting lists and needing the places, they would not be able to offer a full time space for their child if he stayed on with them. They told us this as they were considering, in the end they did not defer and their dc started along with my DS. I also work as a children’s social worker, and I know a fair bit about children’s needs and development. I haven’t once been hard on the OP, Please don’t say have no experience.

Agree with all those saying that you are doing a great job so far. And yes- such a lot changes in 7 months for very young children. Cast your mind back to when he was 3 and consider how much he has changed since then!

No, but in these countries children don’t stay at home until six - they are in kindergarten / nursery or similar where they often are expected to be toilet trained (I gave the example earlier of France where children must start nursery school - la maternelle - at three and are expected to be trained before then). In many countries we Brits are considered to be fairly late to train our kids - my French MIL was expecting us to start DS1 as soon as he turned two and was horrified when I said we were waiting as he was nowhere near getting it.

I am a nursery child from continental Europe. I was 15 months old when I went to nursery. I promise you, I was not toilet trained at that age. You are right, that we do toilet train kids earlier than Brits. But that is a slightly separate argument from expecting them to start school at the age of 4.

@harrietm87 The EY curriculum has its last year in YR. If a summer born has achieved what they need to before YR, why stay in a setting that is not school? No staff were qualified teachers where we were. Why would I want lower quality of education? Why should a child not be allowed to read and write if they are capable? My 4 year old went to school with dc who could read already. Two of them were summer born. My DD could only do basic reading but within 3 weeks had books from the reading scheme. Why people think all summer borns need more play and are incapable of learning with their peers is beyond me. Guess what?! These summer borns got places at Oxbridge too. Keeping dc back really doesn’t help all of them. They learn at different speeds and some are naturally brighter.

He is still very young . I think for your welfare and god his you just need to relax a little. It's a long time until September if you think about it 6 months is a large proportion of his current age. Think how much he has developed since he was born.
But if you think he still isn't ready when September comes you can always defer entry as I assume he has a summer birthday. Some children just aren't ready for school at just turned 4.

I don't think it is anything to do with how clever they are. Children just develop at different rates and some just turned 4 year olds are not ready for school emotionally and will be much better deferring a year some will be chomping at the bit to start school. I wouldn't say one was any brighter than the other though.
That's why it's a choice.

Firstly. It's because they start too early here so stop worrying about your own parenting.

Secondly
I have to lie near my much older child to help her sleep so not sure what that has to do with anything

And being clever has f all to do with it

A toddler of 3.5 should not be under pressure to prepare for classroom learning

We should let children play outdoors most if the time until they are about 6 or 7

Fine - your kids, your choice.

But OP doesn’t have an advanced girl, she has a possibly slightly behind boy - there is a world of difference.

For what it's worth, September is still a long time away, especially in the lifespan of a 3-4 year old. In September he'll be about 20% older and more mature than he is now. That's huge.
Everything you've said sounds very normal for a child of his age. And Reception teachers are very used to supporting children who "aren't quite there" with various things when they start.

Having experience of a child withholding poos and being scared to use the toilet this is very bad advice. You can make it worse.

In Spain they have to be potty trained at two. Kind of wonder what happens to the children who struggle with it/have SEN.

Most of what a child does in reception is play they do very little sit down learning until year 1 ...sitting in groups to listen to a story, song time, listening to others and speaking is hardly pressure. It's no more than you would do at a library story time. School readiness is being independent searching out others for help, sharing and turn taking, pouring a drink, putting on a coat, toileting not about flashcards reading or writing