To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

The OPs child is not behind! He’s got 7 months to learn to dress and undress and sort out m toilet training. He’s got time.

Im actually left wondering how late parents will leave such training on this thread. I’m with the op in wanting it ticked off. When I was at school, parents would have been ashamed. Not that I want parents to feel failures but there just seems to be groundswell that it doesn’t matter. So who changes the nappies in school? . I do know deferring can be necessary, but just saying defer because of a couple of relatively minor issues when he’s not behind in other ways, and 7 months out, is not really helpful. He might well be part time for a few weeks anyway.

If any parent truly believes all dc catch up academically, I wonder why we have “working below” and lower achievers? Some dc are in these groups. They obviously don’t catch up.

3 1/2 is tiny! Please try to relax. My kids all made leaps in development in the summer and the next six month will make a lot of difference.
One of mine wouldn't use a potty and went straight to squatting on the toilet - which will feel a more natural position to him.
But if he won't go at school anyway, just let him have a nappy for poos at home until he's ready to try a different way.

Yes but they are still 5/6 in year one.

@TizerorFizz no one has to defer their child - it should be an individual decision.

But I would assume all parents want their children to thrive, not just cope, with school, which is about much more than just academics.

The physical, social and emotional development of 4-5 year olds varies massively at this point, as do things like fine motor skills and attributes relevant to “school readiness” including both ability and interest in sitting down, following instructions, operating as part of a group, and age has a huge impact on all of that as well.

There is reams of evidence to show that summer born children suffer an educational disadvantage that persists. More summer born children have SEN diagnoses than any other group - clearly a reflection of their age-appropriate behaviour being pathologised.

Boys are, on average, slower to develop fine motor skills and the other “school
readiness” skills than girls.

In Scotland, children start school at 4.5 or older, in NI it’s 4 years+2 months. In Ireland, children can start at any time between 4 and 6 with the vast vast majority starting at around 5, so England (and Wales? I don’t know) is an outlier at providing for children who have just turned 4 to start school.

No one is saying that there are no summer born children who thrive at school. But statistically the odds are stacked against them. Deferring is an option that’s available to the OP and it’s becoming easier and more common. The OP should definitely consider it.

I don't think it used to be this way though. When I was at school the younger ones in the year would start reception half way through the year. No one seems to do that anymore. Reception was literally a place that recieved children and prepared them to be ready for formal education in year 1. Now preschool seems to do that role. It's like we've all got ahead of ourselves. Probably because in most cases both parents work these days and need the child care.

@LGBirmingham they stopped it as it was found to be detrimental for the youngest to recieve less schooling. Made the gap bigger not smaller.

Are you a teacher or did you personally ask every child in your class and your son's class to check that they were definitely using the toilet without any discreet help or accidents?

Interesting. I thought children still didn't have to technically be in school until they turned 5.

They don’t. But unless you formally defer them all that would mean in practice is that they would miss reception or parts of it, which would sure only make things worse (unless they were being taught by a parent at home, but as you say, most families don’t have capacity for that).

This is just not true. I am the same age as you, and probably my children are a similar age to yours. it wasn't unusual for children to have accidents at school in my children's time and even when I was at school. Which is why the schools had spare clothes.
My friends child who is mid 30s now was very similar to OPs son. He refused to poo in the toilet or in the potty. He would only go if he was wearing a nappy and it wasn't resolved by the time he started school at 4. He did of course eventually grow out of it but it's unfair to blame parents it's nothing to do with lazy parenting or too much screen time and it's very unfair to say it is. Children do not all develop at the same time.

It doesn't mean that they miss reception they start reception a year later. It might depend on where you live but I know in my LA summer born children can start reception a year later , they don't miss anytime

That's very harsh. I agree that children should be toilet trained, but OP has done this and he is still struggling. I had lots of accidents in reception. Still remember it. However it wasn't anything to do with my mum not putting the effort in. More likely as yet still diagnosed adhd that means I hyperfocussed and forgot to go in time.
He'll get it, and 6mths is a long time, be patient, positive and creative OP!

I think you’d misunderstood. Just to be clear, deferring your child means they start reception a year later. Which I think can be a very good idea.

But saying that you’re going to wait until they are CSA to send them without a formal application to defer would mean they would start school the term after they turn 5 which means, if they are summer born, starting them year 1 and missing reception. Which I think for the vast majority of children would not be a good idea.

That's not necessarily a universal experience. There isn't necessarily a formal application. In my LA we can simply apply for a school place after summer born children are four. I also have friends in the north who applied then changed their minds the week before school started. Contacted the head and said we're withdrawing and will apply again for a place in Jan. All fine. Started in reception.

6 months is a hugely long time. My four year old is very good for weed but still so inconsistent for poos. He is very motivated about wanting to go to school like his big brother so I do use that as an incentive.

My eldest's school had a welcome evening and the main things they wanted the parents to focus on was knife and fork (he is 6 and we still have to cut his food up), mark making and dining nursery rhymes.

Sounds like you are doing really well.

The toilet part will come: my eldest was late toilet trained and to help him we got him into a routine of going for a poo each morning and evening at home to lessen chances of accidents