To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

They don’t go to school at age 3-4 in the UK, that’s pre-school/nursery year. They got at 4-5 and start in reception year, it’s mainly play based, similar to nursery with a little bit more structured learning around phonics and reading. It’s a great introductory year where they tend to make huge progress but still get lots of play and outside time, rather then being thrown straight into formal learning at age 5-6. My summer born started reception this school year and has thrived.

They can defer for a year and go into reception with the year below .
They do not have to join year 1.
Happens all the time. You need to check with the school if they’ll do this. Most do, it just isn’t that well known.

If his birthday is April or later you have the option to ask for him to start reception in Sept '26 instead. This is what I am doing with my now 3½ year old as she won't be school ready by September. My daughter is going to thrive with another year at Nursery (30hrs funding is still available if that would be of concern to you). Maybe it is an option you can consider so it doesn't feel rushed to get him ready for September

Why is Mumsnet so insistent on children deferring a year? I know is permitted (usually) but doesn’t mean it’s always possible. An extra year of nursery fees could be a huge struggle for some parents, maybe they budgeted that there would be some financial freedom with school etc and planned accordingly, and don’t have the means to continue an extra £1000 (or more) per month. Also - a lot of nurseries are not taking differed children or keeping children after school age for numbers, or because they already have pre-booked places and waiting lists etc, (I know mine could not have kept DS if we had deferred) so it could even mean a change of nursery, which is just as disruptive. Some nurseries are even more “independence led” than some receptions in the UK and some receptions are even more nurture and play based than some nurseries. Also, legally most nurseries in England and Wales are not allowed to take children past 5, so once your child turns 5, they may be without a nursery or school place for a couple of months if you have a May or June child, until September, which for working parents would cause difficulty. It’s not always as simple as deferring.

anyway, rant over.

OP, I think you should ease off a bit, and focus on his strengths to build his confidence and then try again with the dressing and poking on the toilet, wiping himself etc around May or June - kids don’t need 8 months to learn these things and once they crack it, it’s quick progression!

*sorry meant pooing on the toilet, no idea why it changed to poking 😅

Because a lot of us parents realise a teacher of 30 is not going to cope with a 4 year old who needs 'extra' care such as help with the bathroom or help to get their coats on. If your child simple isn't ready it is kinder to keep them behind than send them into an environment they won't cope in.
Plus, 30hr nursery funding is still available for the whole year if you defer you child so financially it works for a lot of families

Honestly, my 8 and 9 year old still want me to lie next to them in bed (and get into bed with me). My youngest wasn't potty trained until 3 and wouldn't wipe himself until he was nearly 6 - I was also worried about school but he told me he wouldn't go in school and didn't (he still doesn't now).

Kids will get dressed on their own in school because all their peers are - I was so worried about this with my youngest as he insisted he couldn't do it but turns out he just wanted me to do it. Nursery will let you know if there are any concerns as they do loads in the run up to leaving.

Please don't ruin your last few months with him, he will get it I promise.

He sounds quite like my now 17 year old (not the nappy bit but everything else).

I watched a video of him the other day just before he started school and I was shocked by how babyish he seemed and ‘behind’ where he
should have been. He too cried every single day at nursery and his speech wasn’t great at all.

He’s a very late summer baby and just wasn’t ready. In hindsight I may have kept him back if that was the normal thing to do but now I’m glad I didn’t.

He’s now in Upper sixth having passed his GCSEs and is going to uni in September . Not bragging but just wanting to say they do get there in the end!

Wow. What a nasty, judge post. From the OP it sounds like she is very much parenting her child and asking for some support on how to help her child be ready for school, which is over 6 months away!

And yet it was a teacher earlier up in this thread, who advised the OP not to defer….

He sounds like a 3.5 year old. I’m aghast anyone is entertaining the idea that he’s “behind” because he can’t dress himself etc. There is nothing you’ve described half a year before entry that isn’t typical for a reception aged child.

The idea of sending a four year old to school is insane full stop. Most of Europe starts kids at the age of 6 or 7 and they don't have to waste any time toilet training.

Oh op you just need to calm down about this!! Mine starts school in September too. Admittedly he is already 4 but we don't stress out about getting him to dress himself in the morning before nursery. We do it because it's quicker. He can dress himself and does it most of the time before bed when there isn't any time pressure.

Can you make getting dressed into a game when there is no time pressure? I pretended my hands were trapped and he had to get an item of clothes on to set them free for instance.

The toileting thing seems to just be a thing some children do with poos. One of my friend's children had to be seen by a pediatrician and given laxatives and it's taken a year for her to start pooing on the toilet. What time of day does he poo? Can you try to move it so it isn't in school hours? Most likely he will do that himself as he won't go into school in a nappy and is competent witholder so will likely save it for when he's home?

Sounds like he's coming along very well on the academic front. I think they're all really different on that and at this age just follow their interests? For example mine knows all the alphabet and numbers, can perform simple maths but still won't hold a pencil properly and his writing/drawing seems way behind some of his peers who can write words now and draw pictures that actually look like things. I'm trying not to worry about that! His nursery teacher said to do lots of play dough to help with that and build up finger strength.

Mine also massively struggles to sit still when he's bored and it's hard not to go down an adhd rabbit hole thanks to mumsnet. But he can do play dough or lego contentedly for a long time.

Op I really feel for you! My ds has just turned 4 and I have had the thought that I wouldn’t have known what to do if he had been summer born. After a couple of false starts, started potty training at just before 3 and by nearly 4 was still having poo accidents. I found it frustrating and isolating- how did my NCT group manage to do it when I felt like a failure? I actually came on to mumsnet too for advice and glad to see a lot of the same great advice i got. I personally found the ERIC website particularly helpful. I would also recommend making a GP appointment. Although we never took any medical action, it was great to hear that this is not uncommon and there were different treatments available including movicol and medication.

remember that you have a lot of time before nursery starts! He’s development sounds perfectly normal for his age and you sound like really engaged parents. The PP poster who said your not dropping him off to uni in a nappy made me laugh and I do find myself remembering that! It’s what I told me mother in law when ds at 15 months wouldn’t drink from an open cup - I said he wasn’t going to be sat at his wedding with a sippy cup!

good luck op - and remember you are not alone!

Why is he going to school so early, seems absolutely crazy! For all the reasons you mention...

Also just too add mine still has us with him to go to sleep and has recently started coming into our bed at night half the time. I think that's normal?

He also isn't dry at night, sometimes has dry nights. The 4 year olds I know who are dry are the ones who need very little sleep which I think makes it easier? The kids I know who are epic sleepers and slept amazing as babies still don't have dry nights at all.

This is when they start school in the UK. He will start just after his 4th birthday in reception

It's ages away in terms of his life so far!

Think how much he has come on in the previous 7 months.

(A lot of children don't poo in school anyway, they go before or after)

Preschool worker here. He doesn't need to know how to read or write they do that in F2. There isnt an expectation that he will already know.
Re the toileting put a nappy open in a potty and have him sit on that. Some children don't like the feeling of the poo coming away from them (very experienced colleague told me this!) so start with the nappy in the potty so it's still like he's going on the nappy.

Loads of children won’t poo at school so I wouldn’t worry about that. Turn dressing into a game e.g. can he get his socks on before mummy puts hers on (making sure he wins). If you joke about it in a ‘Oh no! Help Mummy as she has put her trousers on her head by mistake’ kind of way, it will take the stress out of it and he will see it as fun. He doesn’t have to do it every day, he just has to be at a stage where he is capable of dressing when he needs to.

I work with this age group OP and I think you should stop worrying but also keep up the hard work. Children always take the piss out of parents in one form or another and we see it all the time when a child pretends they can't do things at home but can do it in school or nursery. For example we tell the children they need to get shoes and coats on for outside play time and if they don't get ready they can't play. Guess what, they all can get ready. Some genuinely struggle with aspects zips for example, and get help, but mostly if they motivate themselves they can do it. We constantly see parents shocked at what they can do themselves. We have only a 3 hour session and only 1 child ever poos during the morning, so if he can time his bowel movements he will be OK. If he gets caught out he will be able to go if he is in discomfort, he doesn't reach that level of discomfort at home so again, motivation is the issue.

Fwiw I would hold him back the year.

Mine is 4 months in reception and still is incontinent of poo luckily only two accidents at school
can dress himself but won’t
but he was otherwise ready for school
please don’t stress he will pick up on the pressure
you are doing a great job

Dts august born, should have been born in the October had similar dressing issues. I just got them dressed in the mornings. Funnily enough they managed it at school for PE. Buttons often wonky skirts back to front but they managed.

As pp said six months is a long time in terms of development at that age.

The reception year is an extension of nursery and still comes under the EYFS it's very much about preparing children to learn...building the physical and social skills through play.

Clearly you don't have any experience on this topic. The funded hours for childcare continue so it wouldn't be £1k a month in fees. That being said, I appreciate there could well be a financial barrier anyway, particularly for children who attend full- time.

Not sure what you mean by 'a lot of nurseries are not taking deferred children' - perhaps it depends on location but where I am it's generally not an issue. That being said I agree that as much notice needs to be given as possible as you are correct that in some places where spaces are booked up 1+ yrs in advance, the nursery might not be able to keep the place if they hadn't planned to.

Also no idea what you mean by nurseries 'legally' not being able to take children once they turn 5 - that's not true, what law are you talking about? I know a few children who turned 5 in June or July and stayed at their nursery without issue until September. Compulsory school age is the start of the term after the child turns 5, not the day after they turn 5!

I also agree it's not 'always simple', as sadly it does depend on your location how easy it is to organise. But for the vast majority of people in England it is doable if parents believe it's in their child's best interest to do so. You even acknowledged as much in your opening sentences?