To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

[NightFeeds]

Hi

DS is turning 3 1/2 and I’m keenly aware of school starting in September.

So far he’s been potty trained for weeing for over 6 months but absolutely refuses to poo in a toilet or potty and will withhold for days if a nappy isn’t provided (tried that approach, it wasn’t fair on him). Even if there is something he really really wants he can’t poo on a potty or toilet he just sits and cries and can’t go until he has a nappy on.

I don’t want to force this but I'm so aware that school is a matter of months away that I’m getting super anxious.

He also shows NO interest in getting himself dressed or undressed. We can just about get him to do some of it with a Herculean effort of encouragement and bribery but he would just rather sit like a sack of potatoes and have us do it and it’s a balancing act about how long I can reasonably stand over him when I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t go to nursery.

He’s otherwise pretty compliant, says please and thank you, follows most instructions, wants positive feedback so it’s not just that he’s got no boundaries or discipline.

He is also a switched on little chap who loves to sing and dance and can recognise 2/3 of the alphabet when in capital letters, is starting to form some deliberate shapes as letters and basic pictures (a fish, a cat). He talks incessantly and has a great memory. We play educational games and we have lots of days out and whilst I think he does get a little too much screen time it’s always either side of nursery or other activities and never the main part of his day. We read every night and extra on the days we spend together. Most people who meet him comment on how bright he seems and nursery say he’s at least average across the board.

We do make sure he progresses in ways like having proper crockery and cutlery and in drinking from an open cup and helping prepare simple food like cake mix, chopping veg for dinner with his knife set and making sandwiches.

But it feels like there is SO much to do to get him ready for school because of him lacking the basics around Poo and Dressing himself. I got to the point this morning where I was near tears and said something aloud about how if he couldn’t put socks on school would decide I’m an awful mum and lock me up or something like that. I diffused the situation quickly and whilst I should clearly NOT have said it there has been no lasting impact to DS as he breezily chatted away about other things. But he has peers who pick their own outfits and dress themselves and I’m starting to think DS is behind.

He also wakes for me in the night and I often still fall asleep next to him settling him. This also seems awful for a child due to start school but equally seems right for his needs right now. He also cries every nursery drop off even though he’s been going 3 years. Thankfully he settles once I leave but again, this doesn’t bode well for school drop off.

Its really getting to me. Nursery say not to worry and that they will do loads of activities around school readiness too as it draws closer.

But by the time I started school I was able to read and write and was toilet trained day and night and could dress myself and basically was a walking checklist.

By comparison he’s useless! I can’t work out if I’m a good mum who loves their child and is trying to go at their pace or a terrible bad mum who isn’t developing their child properly and who is going to fail them for starting school.

It doesn’t help that he’s so tiny that 18 month olds tower over him, which makes him LOOK even less ready.

Im not sure I’m looking for answers or to vent or to just gauge how others cope but did/does anyone else (especially with summer born boys) find the months running up to school so stressful? Am I mad and underestimating the power of 6 more months?

You have a choice. School is not childcare.

It’s 8 months away - 3/4 of a year! Don’t let worry spoil a huge amount of time. Speak to school during transition in 6+ months time if no progress

Wait a year. Boys are often developmentally behind girls.

Don’t worry, OP! My summer born boy is now in Y2 and still has never pooed at school (doesn’t like the loos there) - he just goes when he gets home. He’s never had an accident at school. He also, given half a chance, will have me get him dressed in the morning (such a contrast to his little sister who insists on doing it herself - boys in my experience are naturally lazy!) but is fine getting changed for PE and after school
clubs at school. He still can’t do laces but we just have Velcro shoes and slip on football boots.

Your son sounds fine, and there are still months to go before school starts - they really do change a lot in that time. Don’t waste your precious time with him worrying about this. Consider deferral if you think it’s the right thing for him but I wouldn’t do so just because of what you’ve said here. PP saying children start school too early in this country forget that in other countries children are still in a kindergarten/ nursery environment even if they are not doing formal learning and are often expected to be toilet trained, dressing themselves etc. in that setting - for example in France children must be toilet trained at 3 before starting la maternelle (nursery).

Your DS sounds very similar to my DS!

DS is now almost 6 and in year 1. DS is probably the smallest in his class and cried at every drop off for nursery. We were expecting school to be hellish. Something clicked however and he was actually much happier going to school than he ever was going to nursery.

Getting dressed was also similar and he would still rather we did everything for him, though he can now do it himself if he wants to. At his school they go to school in their PE kits on PE days so there's no getting changed, I think that's fairly standard now so maybe you're so is similar?

Re the withholding, this was a huge issue for us. We were told by the GP to take it at his pace and to try to make as little deal about it as possible as the more of a thing you make about it the worse it can get. GP suggested trying to sit on the toilet after meals for 15 minutes with no pressure to actually do anything. This did eventually help. The app Poo Goes to Pooland was also helpful. ERIC also have a helpful helpline.

My DS has changed so much since starting school and being in a school environment has actually improved lots of the things he was finding difficult.

Six months is a very long time when you're three and a half. You're doing a great job and he will get there.

If someone has bills to pay how do you suggest they do that without working?

I would defer. I deferred my daughter who would've been starting a month before her 5th birthday. She is now in P3 (Scotland) and so glad I did.

I would try not to worry about the poo or clothes things until it’s a bit warmer, give yourself a break. Lighter clothes are much easier to get on and off - T-shirts, shorts, joggers etc. My health visitor years ago told me to start practising dressing with pyjamas as they were easy to get on and off and there was usually a bit more time around bedtime rather than when rushing to get out in the morning. If you know he is ready to poo, he could try blowing bubbles while he sits on the toilet - I’m not exactly sure on how it works but it relaxes muscles and does work for lots of kids. Apparently singing can do the same thing.
Developmentally, you would be surprised how many changes the next six months bring. I’m sure he will be where he needs to be by school, try not to pressure yourself too much, you will both be fine.

We’ve just been through this with my daughter’s potty training - she was withholding wee and poo and hugely distressed. The ERIC charity is helpful. The game changer for us was a trip to the gp for paediatric movicol and senna which she takes every evening. Shes now pooing in the toilet at home and nursery!
also check out the “oh crap” poop withholding course. Good luck! It’s a horrible thing for the kid and the parents

You sound like a great parent. You are engaged with all of this and trying very hard. You CAN force these things BUT you don't need to and should not. Seven months is a very long time in the life of a three year old. If, nearing the time, he really isn't ready, as others said you can delay school. It doesn't sound like you will need to though. He knows when he needs to poo,he's just avoidant of doing it on the loo. He won't have an accident at school even if nothing changes (which it probably will). He probably knows how to get dressed too, it'll come right.

You've also got some really harsh responses here which are our of proportion to the situation you are describing or seem related to general views of parenting being on its way to hell in a handcart - you sound great, give yourself some credit :)

Just wanted to say firstly that you are a great parent and please give yourself a break.

You are thinking about all of this and doing everything you can. There’s some good advice on here about poo (ERIC and apps).

Look, you’re going to get three types of response here, because there are three ways this can go:

1. there’s still plenty of time and it will all work out fine in time for school, they’ll change/surprise you
2. defer a year
3. so what if he’s behind, someone always is , and they’re going to grow up and be a perfectly fine human being

All of these are possible and are happening all the time to people. We can’t tell which it will be for your son.

It’s really hard with an only child or your eldest because you haven’t really got anything to compare it to.

Ultimately, I would say trust yourself, have confidence in yourself as a parent and make your decision. Defer or not.

Then continue supporting your child as you are but try (god knows this is easier said than done) to stop worrying.

Because if it’s 1 or 3, he is going in September. That is that. You are doing your best. Stop worrying.

if it’s 2. Take a deep breath, make the choice now, based on your instincts, which are absolutely fine by the way, take steps required (book nursery for next year, defer school place). But then Stop worrying.

We had all the worries/issues you have.
i particularly noticed that your DS is very bright and has a great memory for things. Same with ours. It was commented on by people. But he wasn’t where other children were in terms of development/capability. By the way, I was also like you as a child. I was a winter-born girl, capable, top of the class, no issues (what an easy life-eh!)

There’s absolutely no reason at all this will happen to you, but our experience was that we made choice 4.

We sent him to school. Then by year 2 realised he needed to go back a year (school agreed and totally on board). He’s fine. It was the right thing to do, but every day I wish I’d just deferred him a year/started a year later, because he’s been moved out of his year group and it still bothers him now (y6).

I have a 11 year old ASD daughter that has never slept through the night (yes I’m exhausted) doesn’t look like anything will change any time soon.

Please don't panic. My eldest was the exact same about poo when he started, it was a phobia for him. I spoke to school and said I was really worried about him starting. They were so helpful and agreed we could take a bag of supplies to school that they kept discreetly for him but most days he held on until he came home. We didn't pressure and he naturally started using the toilet while in reception.

You have six months which is ages but you can always defer him too for a year.

Youre doing everything right- don't overthink it

Yep! This!

I always wonder on these posts what does school look like for 3-4 year olds in the UK? At that point here they’re in preschool or daycare. They’re maybe just starting to do letters and write their name. It’s more about socialisation, life skills and learning to do group things.

I read somewhere that it doesn’t matter if you start reading at 3 or 7, at 8 you’ll be at the same level.

Also as someone who had a kid who refused to poop on the potty for a very long time after wee training, despite being offered the world, and every trick in the world used. I get it, it is SO frustrating. He’ll get there, just not on your timeline. Same with dressing himself. Though if he can do it and just doesn’t want to I wouldn’t worry. Help him. He won’t be asking for your help still when he’s 16 and will undoubtedly be much more willing if it’s a teacher asking.

Have you tried reading Poo Goes to Pooland with him? It worked like magic for my then 3 1/2 year old.

Oh gosh OP. You’re being so hard on yourself. Theres so much of this in the news and a lot is relevant but it causes so much anxiety. It might be worth speaking to HV about the toilet, but I’m an ex reception teacher and to me if he can put on a coat then that’s great. Teach him the flip over thing where he lays the coat on the floor and flips it over his head. That’s a fun one. If he can drink out of a cup, use a fork and try to use a knife then that’s good. Also see if he can recognise his name. That’s always useful. Can he ask for help if he needs it is another. Have a look at What to Expect When (I think it still exists). As others have said a lot can happen in 6 months. What month was he born? A September baby is going to be very different to an August baby of the following year.

Its the September after they ate 4yo for school, but its basically learning through play with a bit of reading, writing and maths. Its very similar to nursery or kindergarten in other countries. Not sitting at desks learning (well not supposed to be).

If he is summer born defer.

Get to the GP for movicol and on the eric website. The sooner you deal with the with holding the better.

Start working on putting his shoes on. Get a sticker and cut it in half and put half in each shoe so he can match them up so he knows which shoe goes on which foot.

How he goes to sleep makes not diference to school readiness. My oldest is in yr and aleast 10% of the class are regularly cuddled to sleep.

As someone who lives abroad where compulsory education starts at six, UK reception is more play based than pre-school here for four year olds. Reception is essentially nursery, but a larger class and shorter hours as its play based with the odd mini task on numbers, letters etc.

I’d get feed back from the nursery in the summer term. They all have a massive jump around that point and even the ones who didn’t seem ready in the winter are often ready by the summer holidays. He has two more terms at nursery and they will be working on them dressing themselves and independence skills.

If we think a summer born child should defer we will usually discuss this with parents to let them know our concerns.

However if your son is out of nappies during the nursery day and just needs it to poo at home this is manageable for school. We see many children who won’t put their own shoes and coats on right now but are doing them fine come July. Just give him time, they change fast.

Our school nursery starts at 3 and is more academically pushy than some school. After the first 6 weeks they’re encouraged to write their name everyday, at carpet time they’re introduced to a new letter sound a day, just to read the sound and give examples of words which start with the sound get paint, pet, pen, Paul. For number work they learn to recognise the numbers up to 5 and they will be at the writing table which they can choose to go to go to, learn what is one more and one less within the numbers 0 to 5. It’s mostly free play with lots of different areas to have develop different skills eg funky finger activities, painting, water table. Once a day they will do a 10 min job in a group like dough disco. Lots of outdoor time and forest school once a week.

I would definitely considering deferring to September 2026 in your situation. It’s quite commonplace now for summer born babies. He doesn’t sound ready (through no fault of his own - he’s so little!)

God I'm so glad I live in Scotland. I deferred my December born daughter so that she was 5 3/4 when she started primary 1. It was such a good decision.

Well you keep your child in nursery an extra year don't you? No reason not to work.

If the OPs child is not developmentally ready to learn the skills necessary for school in September then it would be the obvious thing to do.