DP hasn’t invited me

[Bigredchair]

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

You’ve answered your own OP right here x

He organised it,so I'd say yes he'd the pick of the dates

Yes. But he hasn't. So what are you going to do about it?

If you're going to complain here and then stay home minding his kids .....why?

So this is on him to sort. Tell him you’re going and he needs to sort childcare for his kids.

Stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.

I don't know why you aren't absolutely furious. He is a cheeky fucker just assuming that you will look after his kids and then to keep rubbing it in your face about what a great night they're all going to have would be the final straw for me. You need to let him know how pissed off you are.

So, what's the big night out afterwards all about OP?

This. I’d be saying maybe he can ask OP’s older kids to baby sit for a couple of hours but they won’t want to do it all night so he won’t be able to go on this big night out after the do finishes

Why do you keep saying ‘but I know he has the kids*

He hasn’t got the kids - you haven’t either as he hasn’t asked you - he’s assumed:

The same as you have assumed

I would tell him you are going, and he needs to arrange childcare because you aren’t doing to :

Why don’t you just lie down and let him walk all over you. Your kids are grown. He doesn’t have that luxury yet.

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

So you’re going to look after his kids and miss out on the do and stay with him?

You're not, and you should be miffed.

But what's next? Are you going along with his plans?

He has the kids as he pointed out. I would be furious in your position. His kids need watched so I would suggest you tell him to find a babysitter and kick his butt over leaving you out to babysit HIS kids

Usually you do, but you have a point to make about being taken for granted this one time. Don't you?

He at least should be capable of that!

Why would he bother?

He hasn't invited you to a party so you can stay at home and look after his children and you think you are being silly to be annoyed because you don't mind looking after his kids.

You've had to come to the internet to have your feelings validated because you have no boundaries.

He didn't ask because I suspect he frequently takes you for granted and you have yet to refuse to do anything he's assumed he can hand off to you.

@Bigredchair

"I have the kids so you can't come"? So he intentionally picked the date assuming that you'd watch his kids? Fuck me that would piss me off. DH and I have shared children (now grown) and neither of us would ever assume the other was free to watch the DC. It is common courtesy to consult the other parent, let alone consult with a 'non-parent' partner.

I wouldn't be pissed off that I wasn't invited per se, but that I was being treated like a nanny with a fanny, like the hired help. I'd probably tell him that I've been invited 'elsewhere' on that same night and that he'll have to sort his own childcare. And I certainly wouldn't volunteer my teens to babysit. Let him ask them himself and then pay them (well) for it.

Reason 1,230,274,323 why I decided early on that I'd never marry a man with kids.

His contact time;his issue.You are not his glorified nanny.Your kids don't need a sitter.

Who's at the office that he doesn't want you to meet?

Also his colleagues will think he's a dick for not inviting you;he'll probably just lie about why you're not there too.

Ummm... if he has no one else to mind his kids, he'll have to stay home. You can go to the party as your kids are old enough not to need minding.

That is all.

You sound like a lovely person and no you aren't being even a tiny bit unreasonable to make an issue of it and be miffed. Personally, I'd be incandescent and refuse, telling him he'd better sort something out because tomorrow I'm getting dressed up and attending the party (as well as the after party!).

I just want to politely point out that I married a man with a daughter.

He would never presume like this. The problem is that OP's partner is a twat.

I don't think it's silly at all. Not in the slightest. he has made you default parent for his kids. I would have a big problem with not being invited properly. And I definitely wouldn't be looking after his kids on the day. Surely everyone will be asking where you are?? Tell him to arrange childcare for his dc, you will be attending and he better not be pulling similar in the future.

YANBU to be miffed. But is there a reason a 15 and 16 year old can’t look after a 10 and 8 year old for 4 hours in early evening? When I was 15 I regularly babysat pre-schoolers all evening. During Covid I left my 10 year old and 14 year old while I worked 14 hour shifts.

You’re not being unreasonable at all.

What have you decided to do?

You're not unreasonable to be miffed, but I don't understand why you are just rolling over and having the kids? The least I would do is ask him what makes him think you are available when he hasn't asked? And point out to him that he has double booked himself.

HE has HIS kids: if he's double booked HIMSELF then he should fix it, whether that is by begging for your help and offering something to make up for it, or by hiring a babysitter.

That's for HIM to arrange though. Not OP. But he hasn't...they may be busy by now 🤷‍♀️