Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

Incels out in force I see.

In future, don't give shite advice to a woman who is being abused by her husband 👍

Quite. @Therehastobeabetterway doesn't seem keen to answer whether the child actually went to school or not.

She went to school

He's out of order.
Dh isn't the nurse maid type but will have sympathy and do things for me when I'm ill as any normal partner should.

Why didn't he go to work then instead of making a big fuss about not being able to go to work?

My arsehole ex. And it caused untold damage.

Did he truly have to take a whole day off on a school day? Any reason why he couldn't drop her in and pick her up or try and arrange a last minute slot at after school club or something? I do get it's not always straightforward eg my husband leaves for work at 6.30, so would be very late if he had to wait for breakfast club to open, but would go in very late.

Are you usually a sahp? When I've been really ill with a 6 year old around I just let them watch tv all day and say yes to all the snack requests! It's about survival. Kidney stones and UTIs are horrible though.

He sounds at best an incompetent parent, at worst an abusive arsehole.

OP, of course he was wrong.
You were ill.
He sounds like a shit partner and shit father and highly abusive.
Involving your child is shocking behaviour.

Get well soon and get away from him.

@2JFDIYOLO

I've had women react this way to me having cancer. I should have just carried on. Society really sees women as less than

@RunSlowTalkFast

Just because you haven't had illness or not been affected by it like that doesn't mean everyone is the same. This should be obvious.

No you havent caused damage to your daughter but I do think if she continues to grow up witnessing this then it may be damaging. You should could consider this when deciding your next steps

I haven't voted but op's behaviour contributed to the situation. If my partner was texting me criticism from bed and saying they were too ill to leave bed for days at a time, to the point I had to miss work, I wouldn't drag our child into it, but I'd be pretty bloody angry

@PensionConfusion24 you have an anger problem

OK if you split and become a single parent what happens if you can't get out of bed?

This is my worry, i’m just screwed either way aren’t I

Not necessarily. Prioritise you health now and get the best treatment you can. Do you have family, friends who you can call on? Is your 6 year old in school, see if you can make friends with other parents to take her up and drop her off etc in an emergency? Do you work?

Am I missing something? You have a six year old who presumably attends school so why does he have to miss work? He might have to shorten his day for drop/pick offs but that’s all? you just carry on one man down. Your DH is being a dick if he can’t manage without you but I fail to see how you being ill for a few days reaches these levels of dysfunction.

I’m guessing your texts we’re pretty awful.

It's just a case of planning. If you're a single parent, you set up a support system for days you're very ill. A neighbour or family, a friend, babysitter, or one of her friend's mums can bring your daughter to and from school.

After school or anytime she's home with you she can watch tv, let her eat cereal, yoghurt, fruit, snacks, sandwiches, toast, you can order a takeaway.

She's 6 so gaining independence and it'll get easier the older she gets. It's a good idea to prepare meals you can freeze for emergencies so you just defrost and heat them in the microwave or oven.

Speaking from experience here. It's usually only 1 day that I'm so ill that I can barely move and then for a day or two after that I can manage some things so long as I get rest breaks. After a few days, I'm back to normal and life gets back to normal.

Thank you 🙏 this sounds similar to my pattern of illness x

Haha not only does MN have performative undereating but now apparently performative wellness. I needed 8 whole days in bed the first time I got COVID so shoot me 😂

What really strikes me in your post (besides what a total dick your DH is) is that your 6 yo had to defend you! From her own father. That’s a big burden to put on such little shoulders, never mind the fact that it won’t be the last time.

I told my dh if he couldn’t be caring including looking after his own children when I’m unwell then I wanted the fastest divorce in history to give me time to meet someone who will. I’d tell your dh the same- be an asshole when I’m sick again and we are over.

She didn’t have to, I suppose it was just natural to her, she’s quite feisty too and stands up for herself easily with friends etc, it is really sad though, makes me feel sick

He sounds like a dick. But... Who said he had to take the whole day off work when dc was going to be at school anyway? That makes zero sense. Taking an entire day off just to do the school run twice in a 6 hour period seems a bit extreme and unnecessary, unless her school/his work are opposite ends of the country, I'm not sure why this had to happen. Or if you could have asked another parent to collect her and drop her home, I'm sure your dd could have entertained herself for a few hours after school while you were in bed until he got home. (assuming he's working a relatively "standard" working pattern) surely it's better to say to work that you're going to be a bit late, or have to leave a bit early due to a family illness and childcare issues, than sacking off entire days. Whoever choice or decision it was that he had to stay off work, was silly for doing so. Doesn't change the fact he was a dick trying to involve your dd in your dispute though. Thats entirely on him, and ridiculously immature behaviour.