Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

My ex husband was like this and tried to bring DD into any discussion or argument to try and control me because I cared about him abusing us both but he did not.
Sadly he continued to do this when i left him. DD chose to never see him again 3 years ago.

It's tough living with a chronic health condition. I live with some symptoms on a daily basis, but those I can cope with (just). It's the flare-ups I dread, when all symptoms seem to come at once and the pain is severe.

Other people's lack of understanding of chronic illness doesn't help, that inability to understand long term illness and how it affects everything is evident even on this thread.

Hope you feel better soon OP and you find a solution to your DH problem. It's shocking that he tried to drag your young daughter into your argument.

I truly believe that a persons true nature comes out when their partner or family member is ill and involved your child is just sick.

I'm curious as to why you won't answer many, many questions regarding why your DH had to take the whole day off if DD was at school? He might have had to finish work a bit early if he couldn't get her a space at after school club but he didn't need the whole day off surely?

Again, not condoning what he did and agree with those who say LTB.

Yes, I think it's ultimatum time.

So why is he off work? He drops her and goes to work. You stay in bed. I don’t get it

Ignore people saying this is your fault. Your not so dear husband sounds abusive, selfish and actually a bit unhinged. I’d think about whether or not you want this to be your future. What happens if you become chronically sick or when you both start ageing? It would be easier to be alone.

I’m confused and the whole situation sounds weird. If you’re DD is 6, why wasn’t she at school? All your husband had to do was get her off to school, and pick her up, and do the normal parental care for the evening. And why couldn’t he go to work? You don’t need to take a day off work just because your partner is ill! And the GP wouldn’t have signed him off work anyway as he was not sick!

Also agree with others that you have to get on with things when you’re a parent even when you are feeling ill, you don’t have the luxury of lying in bed all day. I don’t think you’re giving us the full story OP.

No, it’s not. Please ignore the posters tying themselves in knots to blame you, the woman, for your husband’s abusive bullshit.

The hardest thing about being a parent, is that you can't just 'be ill' any more. A dad can't normally be off work because the mum is feeling ill in bed especially with a 6 year old. I think yabu a bit

You said in your op it was 2 days??

How? In what way does the OP sound bad? Saying 'gently' doesn't make your statement any less ludicrous.

He was an idiot for involving your daughter.

But it is easy for us to put forward an opinion when we are not actually there.
It all depends on context. Are you ill often? Your Op makes it sound like you are. Are you the type to use an illness for shirking your responsibilities? That we do not know. Your DH may have a better idea.
Are you the type to expect others to drop everything including important responsibilities to make you feel better? Do you see others around you or can you only see yourself in the situation?

One thing i did notice that you used “ home truths” and texting because you did not want to have an argument. That sounds like the text was not very pleasant. I can see why it got your DHs back up.
Sounds like the situation was not ideal to start with.

That said, he should have never have involved your daughter.

I am guessing that because she sent a text that seemed to be quite reactive. It was never going to be good after that.
Seems like the text meant to provoke.

Plus the child is 6,well able to be put in front of the telly for one day“

Why wasn’t she in school?

If you read the OP's posts, she has answered these questions. I don't know why so many people are so determined to say it is her fault. It isn't. The old adage that there are two sides to every story isn't true. It is actually possible for one person to be 100% in the wrong, and in this case, OP's husband is.

I understand what you are saying but maybe i am a little cynical.
i do believe in 2 sides to every story actually and i believe when someone posts, they will generally post a bit more negatively about the other person to gain sympathy.
i have wrote “generally” as it is not always the case though.
If i believe in the OP fully without no qualms at all, i would certainly say the DH is in the wrong for not being able to look after his own child.

But also i would need to know exactly what the OP texted him and their behaviour beforehand in order to understand the context. The “ home truths” sound very negative and if they are already annoyed by DH then i presume it may have even been mean.

It also does not say he did not wish to look after the child, more that he was annoyed with being put out or the hassle of changing his work schedule, making a good excuse so as not to let it affect his work.
Not that that was great but it is not the worst in the grand scheme of things.

I disagree that it's 'not the worst'. He was being a dick. His wife is ill, and all he was expected to do was look after his own child for a day. No wonder she was sending him angry texts! I would too if I had been woken up all day by him coming in asking for how to parent his own child. He sounds utterly pathetic and if this is how he always is, OP and her daughter would be better off without him anyway. And no, there are not always two sides to every story.