To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

[Redtoothpaste]

My husband is overweight and has a number of obesity related conditions.

He has been told repeated by doctors that he needs to control his food intake and take better care of himself. He is already on life long medication, and has been for years. He is mid 40s.
He is very worried about his health but he repeatedly falls into his bad habits. His will power lasts a few days and he is eating shit again. He has he doesn’t without thinking. He is making himself and me worried.

Indont understand why he keeps doing this to himself. His response is always, “I will start tomorrow,” but he never does. This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked. He has dozens of self help / procrastination books which has never read.

He is a great husband and father to our two children. I just cannot seem to get through to him. He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life. He now has a good job, we have a good life and I want it to continue.

He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life

You've just answered your own question

I also struggle to understand this, particularly when someone has relatively young children. It’s frustrating when you know how much better they would feel if they got fit. I speak as someone who hates exercise and is horribly greedy but work very hard to stay slim, fit and healthy.

He would do it if he cared. Same as with addicts, if they wanted to, they would pull out the stops to seek help. He has to hit his own rock bottom. He needs to find out why he doesn't care.

I don't know.

I am your husband in this situation - it is complex, I know people trying to encourage me just makes it harder to do something about it. No one else can make me feel worse about myself than I do.

And it is all within my power to change - I don't know why I can't. It is a miserable place to be, even if no one else realise how miserable it is.

This is too simplistic. It's not about wants.

But I agree about 'why he doesn't care' there is a reason but I'm not sure it can always be identified.

Yeah no great mystery there.

You, on the other hand OP, are more of a worry. Shocking failure of empathy which is way worse for society than fatness.

I think your last paragraph gives the why.

How do you feel about helping? E.g not buying junk, keeping on top of him, encouraging him / beating him with a stick? Some people need a cheerleader / coach to get them through the start part, once habits are formed it can be easier.

Will power is flaky imo, I used to have crap willpower. I ended up watching a few motivational videos and they all said you need discipline not motivation, because motivation waxes and wanes but discipline is constant.

I find this topic fascinating. I wonder this all the time. I guess if it was easy everyone would be a healthy weight and exercise and generally try and control the controllables. But so many don't. I think it's a mix of motivation and general mindset but even people with massive health problems persist with unhealthy lifestyles. I guess you need a strong reason why. Maybe talking to him about being around in the long term for his children would give him his reason why. 🙏🏻It's sad really isn't it. Being unwell is crap so you'd think he'd try and avoid it

Get him on the Mounjaro OP. Then he can try and work through his trauma without the constant reminder he's fat and therefore useless

Indeed.
There are many people in your husband’s situation OP. If it was as simple as “just do it”, they obviously would. There’s something blocking him from doing what he needs to do. It’s possible that therapy could help, but he obviously can’t do it on his own.
It’s a bit like saying “why don’t people with depression just cheer up?” They are just not able to, that’s the whole problem.

It's got nothing to do with willpower, it sounds as though he eats to push down his feelings.

He feels something painful or difficult and his immediate reaction is to eat in order to feel relief. You say he's been through a lot of trauma and it sounds as though he's done nothing to address that trauma.

Mindfulness might be helpful as it helps you stop sleepwalking. It trains you to catch those moments before you reach for food.

Overeaters Anonymous might also be helpful, he can join a group to discuss experiences and find ways to move forward.

If he's depressed or suffering from anxiety or eating is a compulsion, medication might help. He'd need to see his Dr to discuss. Having blood tests might rule out anything physical contributing to it.

He could find a therapist that specialises in adverse childhood experiences and eating disorders. BACP would be a good place to start.

If he's addicted to food, then it's not an easy thing to break. Also once you're big you actually feel hungry a lot and your body starts to demand such a high number of calories. So he needs to shrink his stomach, slowly but surely.
I guess he could try weight loss jabs?
Could you overhaul your weekly shop together to take out all the crap, and replace with healthier snacks? It's very hard for some people to drop weight without help. I hope things improve.

You do seem to know in your husband's case. Issues rooted in childhood trauma and reliance on strategies that don't work such procrastination and as buying self help books then not using them rather than accessing therapy.

People know being overweight isn't good for them. The reasons can be very complex.

I was never enormous (size 18 on a largish, tallish frame at my biggest). It was a huge weight gain from epilepsy meds. Some people treated me as though I was lazy, ignorant etc etc. It went on fast so I knew what the reason for the difference was. It was an eye opener. I've had to lose weight for this reason about 3 times now. Luckily for me I enjoy healthy food and hyper focus on things like step count and my cal counter not my weight but it's hard. Mine is quite a simple cause but a lot of self esteem, value judgement and motivation issues fed in and each time there would be false starts before I made that big kick off into a plan that stuck.

I would recommend self-referring for CBT if he can. There’s a clear behaviour which needs to change but he needs help with the thoughts and feelings making it too hard for him to do it.

Two thirds of adults in England are obese or overweight. It would make as much sense to ask what is different about the other one third.

Addiction is an illness. There is VERY little help out there if you can't pay.
@Redtoothpaste he sounds depressed.

Is he eligible for WLI?

From posts on here it can really help

How can you help? Can you make sure you only have healthy food in the house? Move to food deliveries so you aren't picking up things on a whim. Every other day as a family make it your mission to go for a walk around the block.

He doesn't have the willpower, you (presumably) do, so help him. It wont be a bad thing if you make these changes too.

With drink / drugs / gambling and so on people can live without them .
They can not live without food so it makes it much harder to get into perspective.

@Redtoothpaste I don't think it's about him not caring about you & DCs , it's about him not caring about himself and until he does I don't think there is a great deal you can do.
I presume you have tried all the usuals like no unhealthy snacks in the house , healthy meals , getting him involved in meal planning and cooking.

If your DH is anything like me the more people tell him he has to change the less likely he is to change. But I honestly don't know what the answer is.

The one thing I think you need to be careful about is that it doesn't influence/ impact your DCs .
He is over weight and doesn't care , you keep bringing it up * and get stressed about it may have a negative impact.

• even if your DCs aren't in the room / house when you talk about it they will be aware of the tension surrounding food.

I find very clear easy rules work well. In my case 'no eating before lunch or after dinner' has worked well the last 6 months or so. I have lost almost a stone (and only put on 1lb over Christmas).

I had this and am horrified by some of the comments. I'm (I'd like to think!) a very determined and driven person that spread into every part of my life except my weight/health. It stemmed back to childhood neglect/abuse and not being able to accept the fact I 'deserved' to look after myself too! I spent years as a (UK) size 20-22 absolutely beside myself because I couldn't stick to any kind of scheme to 'get healthy' - I basically had a mental block.

A couple of years ago I went to the root of the problem and started therapy to deal with the feelings behind the overeating. A month after that I started a diet/exercise and 12 months later I was at a healthy BMI and have never felt better, mentally or physically. It really is not laziness or 'can't be bothered' for most people I think.

This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked.

When you say therapy hasn't worked, what do you mean? The point of therapy is to know yourself and your motivations better, to help process challenges etc. The point of therapy isn't to get him to live the way you want him to - no matter how much better off you think he would be for it. Adults have the right to make decisions about how they live, and to make decisions that aren't necessarily in their best interests. You as an adult have the right to decide whether you want to live with him or not.

Childhood trauma can utterly undermine an individual's capacity to make decisions in their own interest, even when logically they know and want change. It needs much more than a quick round of CBT to resolve, and even then changing patterns that were created as an absolute survival mechanism when you were literally developing your personality is very, very hard.

I can understand how he has got there as I was similar although no health problems due being obese. Starting Mounjaro (MJ) has the best thing I have ever done. It has completely stopped my food cravings, I no longer think about food 24/7, often dont eat as Im not hungry and have lost nearly 4 stone.

If you have never experienced constant food cravings, constantly feeling hungry etc then you genuinely dont know how hard it is to stop doing something you actually need to do to survive - eat. If you were addicted to alcohol you could have support to stop drinking and them choose to never have it in the house, not to buy it, not to socialise with people who are drinking etc. However, you cant do that with food as you have to eat and so many social meet ups are centered around food.

From being on MJ I now understand how generally slim people manage to stay that way as they eat when they are hungry and their life doesnt revolve around eating, thinking about food etc which is what I was like before MJ.

It has completely regulated my hormones and my eating patterns have changed beyond recogintion and I cant recommend it enough.

Its not a 'quick fix' and I get mine through a proper pharmacy (Oushk) with the relevant checks etc but it has been a genuine life changer. Please look into this as it could really change your DHs life for the better.

I was your husband - the food addiction is not well understood - people are as addicted to sugar and white flour as they are to alcohol and drugs. They use the food to ease the discomfort at dealing with life. Asking him to stop is like asking someone with cancer to tell the cancerous cells to stop growing - he is as powerless over his addiction as they are over the disease.

But, there is help out there with Overeaters Anonymous - he needs to hit rock bottom and seek help for his addiction...I did in 2020 and it has changed my life but I had to be as bad as I was .....

I've no idea, but I'm similar. I have lost a few pounds this month by eating very healthily and not overeating... but in the last few days I've lost it. No idea why, other than not being able to stand being hungry anymore. I get so fed up with myself, I don't know why I can't stick to it. And I'm too scared of the side effects of Mounjaro to try it.