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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

190 replies

Redtoothpaste · 30/01/2025 10:14

My husband is overweight and has a number of obesity related conditions.

He has been told repeated by doctors that he needs to control his food intake and take better care of himself. He is already on life long medication, and has been for years. He is mid 40s.
He is very worried about his health but he repeatedly falls into his bad habits. His will power lasts a few days and he is eating shit again. He has he doesn’t without thinking. He is making himself and me worried.

Indont understand why he keeps doing this to himself. His response is always, “I will start tomorrow,” but he never does. This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked. He has dozens of self help / procrastination books which has never read.

He is a great husband and father to our two children. I just cannot seem to get through to him. He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life. He now has a good job, we have a good life and I want it to continue.

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyou123 · 30/01/2025 11:27

festivemouse · 30/01/2025 10:22

I think your last paragraph gives the why.

How do you feel about helping? E.g not buying junk, keeping on top of him, encouraging him / beating him with a stick? Some people need a cheerleader / coach to get them through the start part, once habits are formed it can be easier.

Will power is flaky imo, I used to have crap willpower. I ended up watching a few motivational videos and they all said you need discipline not motivation, because motivation waxes and wanes but discipline is constant.

A principle of behavioural activation in CBT is “action not motivation” - sometimes you’ve just got to do it, if you wait for motivation you’ll be waiting a long time

snowmichael · 30/01/2025 11:29

wizzywig · 30/01/2025 10:18

He would do it if he cared. Same as with addicts, if they wanted to, they would pull out the stops to seek help. He has to hit his own rock bottom. He needs to find out why he doesn't care.

What a vile attack on people with addictions and mental health issues
You clearly know nothing about addiction

PregnancyHormonesss · 30/01/2025 11:30

And i really wonder why do some people not understand what is easy and straight forward for you might not be as easy and straight forward for someone else.
I could probably not understand half of the things you or anyone does because i do them differently and they give me a pleasure while annoy you…so probably will get them done better in this case since its easier for me.
such a judgmental post and thread.
and no to the poster who said they dont care @wizzywig - so not true. If you are an addict, caring about yourself is not enough to get out of it.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 30/01/2025 11:30

Perhaps he needs a more intelligent and empathetic wife?

Funnywonder · 30/01/2025 11:33

Obesity is recognised as a disease. You can't just pick yourself up and use willpower to fix a disease. I read an excellent book called 'Why We Eat Too Much' and there was fascinating information about the modern diet and how it can adversely affect people's hunger/satiety hormones. Some people are more genetically predisposed towards this than others. It helped me to empathise with people who are obese, instead of wondering why they didn't just quit eating so much and take up running. I'm not saying I ever would have uttered a word to anyone, but I must admit I was inwardly tutting. So, while your husband's traumatic childhood may well have led him to this point, therapy won't necessarily help him lose weight, even if it moves him to a better place with his mental health. Weight loss injections would be worth looking at. But mostly you need to support him and not judge him for something he can't help.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/01/2025 11:34

It's very hard when you're thinking about food to not eat! Perhaps you could work together to stop buying the things he really needs to avoid - just don't have them in the house. I don't bother snacking in the evening if I don't have Pringles or chocolate available. I also need to remember to eat earlier in the day - if I have breakfast and a healthy lunch I don't want much for dinner and don't have supper.

Bluedabadeeba · 30/01/2025 11:35

Read the book 'Why we eat (too much)' by Andrew Jenkins. It might shed some light on your husband's condition.

The old trope about 'obese=lazy and lacking in will power' is being disproven as we speak. This book opened my eyes and made sense why some people really struggle to drop the weight!!

Oakmoke · 30/01/2025 11:36

Think about it as asking an anorexic, bulimic, self-harmer, drug addict... to 'just snap out of it, it's not that hard'

Pinckk · 30/01/2025 11:39

I agree some people get full faster faster and some get hungrier quicker. That’s where the genetic component comes in and I agree with that.

Being obese is now seen as a medical/genetic issue rather than an individual issue, fair enough.

If someone feels constantly hungry then why not consume healthy snacks and graze on raw carrots/cucumber/drink pints of water to fill your stomach all day for eg to ‘fill you up?’

So I’m conflicted because whilst I agree some people have an off switch to say they’re full and that is luck and that helps them keep trim, I don’t believe the majority of obese people eat mainly healthy foods.

Thats suggests to me that they’re eating higher calorie food which tastes nicer but because they don’t have an “I’m full now” switch they eat too much.

To summarie, they can’t help not feeling full, but they can help what they chose to eat to fill them up. 4 plates of raw veg would be a lot less calorific than 4 plates of cheese burgers….

Comet33 · 30/01/2025 11:43

Agree about past trauma but neurodivergence cpuld also be at play re procrastination & overeating.

EasternStandard · 30/01/2025 11:45

Deetelves · 30/01/2025 11:23

Shame, OP. Thats what is keeping home from making the changes he need to. Right now he is overwhelmed with the size of the problem and the shame he’s carrying.

Would he consider Mounjaro or a similar weight loss injection- it kills both hunger, which helps with overeating AND the food noise he has going on in his head right now.

I had never heard of ‘food noise’ until I decided to use Mounjaro to help me but OMG I get it now. without the food noise and without feeling really hungry it is so much easier to make healthier choices and control portions. It’s been a revelation.

Op this and others like it are useful posts

It sounds like it would really help him

snowmichael · 30/01/2025 11:45

AquaPeer · 30/01/2025 11:22

Maybe he’s self harming because he’s so traumatised.

Overeating, compulsive easting, and especially secret eating is, indeed, self harm
And almost everyone who does it knows that, but cannot stop themselves
The nasty smug idiots replying "If he cared he'd stop" "I just gave up eating before lunch" "It's his choice" have absolutely no idea what it's like to be unable to change

My family were poor when I grew up (1960/s70s)
At least once a week, far more often two or three times, my parents didn't have dinner to make sure me and my sister could
Meat was literally a once or twice a week treat, fish was almost unheard of

All four of us now have food issues
I am obese and a solitary eater, my sister is always on some fad crash diet, my dad is anorectic (yes, it's not just women who suffer from anorexia), my mum's weight and size balloon up every three or four months, then she's a mean, spiteful person as she starves herself and fights it back down to healthy, and then once se 'relaxes', boom! Back up it goes again

This is not because we are weak willed, or selfish, or even lazy, but because for 15-20 years of our lives we did not have enough food

As Professor Jack Cohen said, "food and money and love are like oxygen, when you have enough, they are not important, when you don't have enough, they are desperately needed and thinking about them is all-consuming"

Desperation leaves mental scars that, for many people, never heal

LaPam · 30/01/2025 11:46

I take care of my appearance, but if I am trying to do something by myself or for myself and have someone pestering me with suggestions or reminding of what I should or shouldn’t be doing, I lose motivation and abandon the project.

Interestingly, although I very much enjoyed my life as a university lecturer as an adult, I thrashed my perfect grades in the last term of A levels and neglected my university application as I couldn’t bear my mother micromanaging the applications and careers decisions I had the right to take myself.

It may be a good experiment to take a step back and let him deal with his own health himself, he may even find it empowering as your attitude might be triggering of past trauma to him.

ItGhoul · 30/01/2025 11:50

It's a lot more complicated than you imagine, psychologically. There's all sorts of reasons why people don't necessarily prioritise certain things. It's really not just a matter of 'Just do it'.

Lost589 · 30/01/2025 11:51

This is me. It's emotional/ psychological. I'm intelligent, I know what I'm doing but can't stop. I went to see my Dr and he told me to move more and eat less.
It's a compulsion to soothe the pain inside. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You need to support him. He probably needs therapy before you even start looking at diet.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2025 11:52

HereBeMonsters27 · 30/01/2025 10:52

I've no idea, but I'm similar. I have lost a few pounds this month by eating very healthily and not overeating... but in the last few days I've lost it. No idea why, other than not being able to stand being hungry anymore. I get so fed up with myself, I don't know why I can't stick to it. And I'm too scared of the side effects of Mounjaro to try it.

I have this- I can’t stand being hungry. If I’m hungry I can’t concentrate on anything else.

I know that one of the issues with me is that I don’t get nearly enough sleep though- if I got more sleep I wouldn’t be so keen to try to cure tiredness with food. Also if I slept the hours my body wants I wouldn’t be eating in those hours!

Dotjones · 30/01/2025 11:54

People look after themselves as best they can. This is true even in cases of suicide, people make that choice because they believe that everything is so shit it's the best choice they can make.

Mental illness is the key driver of destructive behaviour. Mental illness is massively under-diagnosed. (Which is ironic given the constant outcry that "everyone has a mental illness diagnosis these days.") Not all mental illness is severe enough to warrant a diagnosis by current standards, but it's not a binary thing, it's a gradual scale.

As PP have said, there are factors in the brain which prevent some people from making obviously (to others) better choices. Telling them to sort themselves out is like telling someone not to get cancer. It's not a choice. It can be influenced so as to be less likely to happen but a person can't choose to never get it.

Dogaredabomb · 30/01/2025 11:54

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 30/01/2025 11:15

The problem with food addiction is that you literally have to eat. You can't go cold turkey on cold turkey.

But you mention trauma, so here are some of the things we know about fat and stress:

  • body responds to UPFs and toxins in the same way as it does to stress/physical pain
  • your digestive system responds to UPFs and other foreign intoxicants
  • stress and poor diet can erode the lining of the gut so that toxins re enter the body (leaky gut syndrome)
  • your body will store excess stress hormones... In your fat. Being stressed makes you fatter.
  • stress causes poor sleep that affects the hunger and satiety hormones, leptin and ghrelin.
  • if you lose weight... The stored stress hormones are released back into your system.
  • childhood trauma makes you more likely to be stressed as an adult

It really is a perfect storm of bodily responses that makes weight loss very much more than a matter of willpower.

I followed the advice to:

  1. Fix sleep and gut health first to help break the cycle.
  2. Cut out UPFs and other toxins where possible (pollution, chemicals in house etc)
  3. Introduce gentle exercise outdoors for mood and sleep.
  4. Then build in goals for healthy eating one at a time.

Going on a diet doesn't work, a lifestyle change plan does, but you have to take it slowly and understand why your body is reacting the way it is.

How do you fix the sleep and gut health?

whoevenknowsanymore · 30/01/2025 11:58

Get him to read the book 'ultra processed people' - it might change his outlook on food (or 'not food', which is 60% of the UK diet now) forever.

iamnotalemon · 30/01/2025 12:00

If it was simple as that, there wouldn't be any overweight/obese people in the world.

I don't drink or smoke but food is my vice - I'm an emotional eater. I know I shouldn't eat junk food and my diet should be better and even in the past when my weight has caused a problem, I still couldn't change it.

It might sound obvious to you but it's not that simplistic.

iamnotalemon · 30/01/2025 12:01

wizzywig · 30/01/2025 10:18

He would do it if he cared. Same as with addicts, if they wanted to, they would pull out the stops to seek help. He has to hit his own rock bottom. He needs to find out why he doesn't care.

@wizzywig

I think you may need to educate yourself a little bit on addiction.

DollyTubb · 30/01/2025 12:01

Recently I suffered a heart attack, I'm on life long medication like your DH and have to watch my diet carefully. I subscribe to the BHF magazine which has been amazing, and their heart healthy recipes are really easy to follow and really worth thinking about - there's cake, biscuits, main meals, desserts, snacks, everything. You can help enormously by influencing the food that comes into your house, and as well as being heart healthy I slso lost quite a bit of weight following these recipes without thinking I was 'on a diet'. But my DH's support has been pivotal in my success with following this new way of eating.
www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine

Zebedee999 · 30/01/2025 12:02

I've been massively overweight and had to lose weight or die; I lost 5 stone so far. Basically it took a hundred small changes (swapping normal baked beans for low salt/sugar ones as a small example of such a change).
But the changes that had the biggest impact for me were:
1 - Don't have in the house anything unhealthy (crisps, biscuits, sweets, choc etc). If it's not there you can't eat it.
2 - Cut out carbs as far as possible and replace with protein (eggs are very versatile and tasty with sauces etc).
3 - Reduce portion sizes bit by bit.
4 - Have healthy snacks between meals (apple, slice of lean ham, raw carrots)
5 - Move more. I started walking a mile 4 nights a week. It left me warn out but after a month felt much better and can now walk 20 miles in 8 hours or less.

I know where your husband is and feel it can be done. It's very satisfying to step on the scales or throw out old big clothes.

Good luck

MissMarplesNiece · 30/01/2025 12:03

It stemmed back to childhood neglect/abuse and not being able to accept the fact I 'deserved' to look after myself too!
Very much agree with this statement. My binge eating comes from feelings of not being good enough. It's almost a form of self-punishment and when I've done it I dislike my "weakness" and dislike myself even more. Compassion Focused Therapy helped me an awful lot.

Diomi · 30/01/2025 12:04

If it was easy, over 60% of the uk population wouldn’t be overweight, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes wouldn’t exist and we would all be exercising five times a week minimum.

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