To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

[Redtoothpaste]

My husband is overweight and has a number of obesity related conditions.

He has been told repeated by doctors that he needs to control his food intake and take better care of himself. He is already on life long medication, and has been for years. He is mid 40s.
He is very worried about his health but he repeatedly falls into his bad habits. His will power lasts a few days and he is eating shit again. He has he doesn’t without thinking. He is making himself and me worried.

Indont understand why he keeps doing this to himself. His response is always, “I will start tomorrow,” but he never does. This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked. He has dozens of self help / procrastination books which has never read.

He is a great husband and father to our two children. I just cannot seem to get through to him. He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life. He now has a good job, we have a good life and I want it to continue.

Ok old wise one, I won’t offer my opinion on a forum that is asking for opinions ever again. Good day!

I disagree that it is the same as depression, as ‘cheering up’ is not something you do, it is how you feel, whereas putting food in your mouth is a physical act that we fully control.

I’m a smoker, I smoke daily, I know how hard it is not to do it BUT when I had a medical procedure with no smoking permitted for 3d I was able to stop (because there was a good reason). Someone with depression wouldn’t be able to ‘cheer up’ on demand, even for a good reason.

He had a traumatic childhood that’s affected his whole life

that’s your answer.

he needs to work on his mental health first before he can tackle his physical health

how can you not understand that?

I see there’s a lot of skinny arseholes on this thread.

’i can be skinny why can’t you’ 🤦‍♀️

Exactly

I often wonder this. I suspect that in many cases it's low level depression and anxiety, which people soothe with sugar and alcohol and fat. I guess you could call them deaths of despair. There are just too many people crammed into this little island. That means lack of space, small houses jammed on top of one another, and almost constant stress and noise. My local woods have been hacked down to make way for a new estate, and now the fields in the centre of the village are going to have 500 disgusting rabbit hutch 'homes' squeezed onto them. We didn't evolve to live this way. It's making us deeply unhappy. At the risk of sounding like a hippy, it's disturbing us at some deep, spiritual level.

Sure it's not the case that everyone who is obese will have BED or bulimia but someone who can't stop eating even when they know it's killing them, that's not just enjoying food. In any case the OP s partner has trauma and it wouldn't hurt him to explore that . For many of us eating too much absolutely is a form of self injury and a self comfort at the same time. It's not as simple as just going on a diet .

Not all obese people have BED, but a huge number of them are walking around undiagnosed, not even realising.

The OPs partner did not have a happy childhood any more than I did . Yes I do enjoy food but its an obsession for me and way to sabotage myself I have urged to get rid of it afterwards. There is no way someone chooses to be the size I am. I'm a size 22-24. Used to be a size 30.

also self neglect and lack of self care are a lot to do with ow see worth. Someone with pride in themselves doesn't let themself go. How many obese people do you know who have good self worth ? Very few .

I find obesity to be the least understood of eating disorders (quoted comment as a perfect example). And the people who suffer from it are clearly the most despised. Sad.

I think some people are being very harsh on OP. She has a life with this man. He is her children's father. In the fairly likely event that he dies younger than average she and her children will be deeply affected. Is she just meant to sit back and accept that her dh is eating himself to death or is it reasonable of her to want to do what she can to help him?

@Pinckk Fair enough you don't see it as the same . Maybe it's not the same in every case . But those who work in mental health especially in areas regarding trauma say it is a coping mechanism. Compulsively bingeing isn't just self indulgence it's eating double or triple portions and still wanting more. Going out in secret to buy food and eating it and eating, hiding it, lying about it, hoarding it. thinking about food all the time . Always on a a diet and afraid to hear just one chocolate biscuits in case you have 20 and still want to go out and buy more.

Gluttonous people, truly gluttonous people often struggle with the same Obsessive all or nothing perfectionist tendencies seen in anorexic people. we are hard on oursleves. Some of us even cut . Not all of us no but young and always tell if someone is a cutter because they may do it in other places not seen. Some of us also abuse alcohol drugs or gambling . Some shoplif t. For me I went into debt, I would buy and buy. It was like a had a hole inside me. I suspect the trauma issues in my case stopped me producing serotonin or dopamine the right way, it's like I needed a hit. I don't have ADHD.

90% of us admit to being abused as children in various ways. The other 10% have other demons May be . Also some have experienced emotional abuse like bullying by peers or being invalidated or shamed a lot by parents or maybe low level forms of sexual abuse (fondling, "flashing" etc) and they might not realise it has affected them. Or maybe it happened at an age where they didn't form conscious memories of it but someone who was there at the time did recall it? A lot of us minimise what we have been through or if we told we were just told it was what happens to loads of children and to forget about it .or we were punished for telling.Maybe not believed or gaslighted about it.

This may or may not be the case with the OP's partner. But nobody wants to feel out of control with food, nobody wants to be out of breath going up the stairs or unable to fit their clothes. Nobody wants to be fat. Not consciously. Some may become fat so predators will leave them alone (didn't work in my case, it still happened again and again) but it's not usually a conscious thought process.

So I'm not speaking for all obese people but I do think for many of us it's not as easy as put down the fork. Depression and passivity are a huge factor too.

Think about it-- do you know a really chubby person whom had never tried to diet? I doubt it. I expect they exist but I think it's rare. If it was a simple as willpower and dieting would there be any fat people?

Yes I can imagine people who are obese don’t feel great due to their size and I realise that it will impact their self esteem in some situations of course, but plenty of people have low self esteem/self worth for a plethora of reasons, not just weight related.

I had a traumatic childhood and food Is my vice too. I’m not obese and I appreciate how lucky I am, in that I do get full fast. I crave sweets, high fat food and takeaways but they just taste so nice it is hard to walk past without chucking them in my trolly.

If I had a lovely childhood, I don’t believe for a second that somehow I wouldn’t have these intense cravings. I’m certain I’d still be the same size as I am now.

What you’ve described doesn’t account for the sheer number of people that are obese though.

On the one hand it’s now considered somewhat biological, as discussed, some people don’t feel full so eat more than they should hence weight gain.

On the other hand, if it’s predominantly a trauma response in the vast majority of cases, then that would make the biological theory moot?

I don’t think it’s easy to lose weight at all. I know it’s hard and the heavier someone gets the bigger the struggle seems, so it probably feels pointless to try - I do get that but personal accountability has to play a role and it will be hard, but how else can someone lose weight? They have to make the decision to stop eating unhealthy otherwise they’ll always be in the same boat.

Someone obese doesn’t necessarily have an eating disorder!
Plenty of people are obese because they enjoy food and/or don’t like exercising. I used to be one of them, no judgment, but why deny that there is an element of choice (for most people at least)?

#NotAllFatPeople
Obviously...

But many.

To be honest it sounds like he's still somewhat depressed.

Do your cravings go on for hours ? Do they interrupt your thoughts and become a spiral of OCD type thoughts ? Do you find that you can't stop obsessing about weight or what you eat? Do you feel an urge to throw up or take laxatives or exercise excessively after eating? do you stuff yourself with large quantities of food because you feel empty inside? Because you have an intense feeling of shame or loneliness or boredom? Do you eat with every emotion even positive ones?

BED is real. Doctors don't diagnose fake illnesses. How was I diagnosed if it's just a willpower thing ? If even gastric band couldn't help me?

But for me only therapy and Overeater s Anonymous and psychiatric treatment has worked. For some.

How do you know some of these people don't have BED though ? It sounds as if the OP does have an ED, otherwise willpower and sensible lifestyle changes would have worked . I've been diagnosed . Yes I might still get cravings if I had a happy childhood but I would be able to stop . Many anorexic is a chemical imbalance because it doesn't seem common in working class people or non white people.

having therapy is taking responsibility surely ? Therapy is all about people changing things so they can recover .

The OP doesn't describe someone who likes food, but someone who can't stop eating huge quantities of it . Huge quantities is a binge. A little bit more than is needed is simple overeating . Most people are overeaters, a few of us have BED. I just think it's a possibility that maybe OPs partner does have it . It's the commonest of the ED. Because if he was like most overweight people it wouldn't be a compulsion

Would it be hard if someone intervened and said, 'I love you and am desperately worried about your health. Please join me in a fitness and healthy eating regime. We can support each other. I am nit saying this because I think you ought to look a different way but because you deserve to feel healthy snd full of energy, and gor whatever reason, you find it hard to do this for yourself.

If your partner said this, would that help or not?

I mean the self esteem issues are already there in people who binge eat. The weight is a symptom. It's a form of self harm is what the psychologists say. That is why I compare it to anorexia . Because they both a symptom.

this has already been proven by those who work with ED sufferers.

There is a difference between a fa t person who just had too large a portion size and a fat person who is always grazing. The first type aren't always eating they just eat more calories than they should . OP 's partner may be the first type or the second type.

The reason I think it might be an ED is because everything else hasn't worked for him.

you don't find it easy to stay away from the foods, but you can stop when you feel full. I can't . Because it's a psychological as well as physical issue.

anorexia is considered as possibly bring a chemical imbalance as well as anxiety related. So is binge eating .I do expect there are physiological aspects and socio economic aspects. You don't see many people or black or Asians with it . In East Asia, EDs weren't heard of until relatively recently . Not sure why . Because culturally they are more community orientated perhaps? Less isolated socially so trauma is experienced as a social ill, perhaps ? I don't know.

Also some of us have PCOS. Doctors consider PCOS to have a genetic basis from birth which tends to start manifesting in the teens/20s/early 30s. Lifestyle conditions can exacerbate it if you're prone to it. It's rarely found in countries where soy is a chief ingredient or people eat high protein diets. . EDs are highly comorbid with PCOS, especially bulimia and BED. Women with bipolar disorder, anxiety, EUPD/BPD, PMDD tend to be highly comorbid with PCOS. May be partly their medications because antipsychotics and antidepressants cause weight gain. Or it may I because PCOS is very closely linked with mental health. Women weren't made to have high levels of testosterone. It floods out brain and affects our moods. Makes our children likely to be autistic so we then go through the stress of raising precious lovely but ND children who may need a lot of care. It isn't easy finding that care. And multiple miscarriages that we ensure doesn't help our mental health. Obviously the OP's partner doesn't have PCOS, being a he! But general speaking it's a common disease in many ladies.

I think there are many root causes. So it's complex .

I expect the OP's partner doesn't know where to start because it can be overwhelming .

I'm a big fan of OA, but it doesn't help everyone . Exercise is a good mood booster which can help with cravings too

It was like I a had a hole inside me.

I said this very thing to the psychologist. A hole that you just can't fill, don't even know what you need to fill it.

Do you have BED too!? It's a pain isn't it !

It's important to realise that he's not choosing food over you. He's overeating in response to his thoughts processes and may well have laid down this pattern in childhood.
Ultimately this has got to come from him. You can support, and seek to understand, but I think you also have to accept him for who he is right now. He could probably benefit from counselling and long term he may manage to put his health first but it may take a good long time.

I have lost 3 stone in the last year but to my mind, I will always be a fat person deep down, much like an alcoholic who stops drinking is still an alcoholic. It is useful as it makes me think before eating anything unhealthy in public (who wants to see a fat person troughing down cake), and I keep a photograph of myself at my fattest in the kitchen to remind myself of what will happen if I give into temptation.
I know some people will say it is an unhealthy attitude, but nothing else has ever worked. And being fat is even more unhealthy.
Please note, I am NOT saying I find fat people disgusting, I am saying I am disgusting. Two very very different things.

I recently read something about eating behaviour linked to trauma that suggested if this has been your coping mechanism for most of your life to protect a very young version of yourself, it may be very difficult, perhaps impossible to change. Someone in this situation needs to extend themselves massive compassion, and find ways to look after and protect themselves psychologically that don't involve food before they can hope to change eating behaviour. And after all, you can't go cold turkey on food. It sounds like he needs serious therapy/counselling/some form of psychological input. But that's up to him to decide and to take responsibility for. You cannot control him at all, only yourself.

A lot of people don’t love themselves enough to believe they are worth looking after. Self care begins with self love. That may be the answer, but perhaps not such an easy solution to find.

I think it helps to avoid these foods because they can be fuelling the addiction . This is the kind of thing 12 step groups like OA are good for .