To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

[Redtoothpaste]

My husband is overweight and has a number of obesity related conditions.

He has been told repeated by doctors that he needs to control his food intake and take better care of himself. He is already on life long medication, and has been for years. He is mid 40s.
He is very worried about his health but he repeatedly falls into his bad habits. His will power lasts a few days and he is eating shit again. He has he doesn’t without thinking. He is making himself and me worried.

Indont understand why he keeps doing this to himself. His response is always, “I will start tomorrow,” but he never does. This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked. He has dozens of self help / procrastination books which has never read.

He is a great husband and father to our two children. I just cannot seem to get through to him. He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life. He now has a good job, we have a good life and I want it to continue.

Drop the rope OP. There’s nothing you can do to force him to take proper care of himself.

Aww honey, we are our own worst enemies, aren't we.
I have never been as heavy as I am now, I blame the menopause but then I blame everything that is wrong in my life on the menopause.😆
As of Monday I am going to start walking after dinner instead of sitting on the couch eating crisps, nuts, sweets.........
Little steps, literally and figuratively 😂
🫂

Lucky you that you don’t have to live like that! I’m sure no one wants to be so out of control with their life.

Why not suggest going for regular walks after eating and don't mention his weight. Make it about your health, he may even start to enjoy it. X

How’s your eating as a family? Do you all eat together and eat healthy food? Who does the shopping and does junk get bought? We had crisps in a main, frequently opened cupboard so I saw them every time I opened the cupboard for other stuff and ended up eating some every day cos they were the front of my mind. Ideally just don’t have junk in the house if you do then make it so it’s not easily accessible.

the more junk you eat the more you crave it so it’s hard at first to break the cycle.

I make taking care of myself a priority. My friends say they don’t have any motivation or reason to when we talk about it.

People who don't look after themselves don't do it for any four reasons:

1. They have been trained to think they're not worthy of it and other people's needs are more important.

2. They have been through some kind of trauma that's killed their self-confidence/damaged them, and potentially have also used food/similar as a self-soothing/comfort thing.

3. They are too busy looking after other people.

4. They have some kind of addiction that takes priority.

It sounds like 4 isn't relevant to your situation but any of the others might be.

The habits people develop in order to deal with trauma can be extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to break. I had a traumatic childhood and so did my siblings. As adults, of us is obese, one is anorexic and the other self harms. For some reason people find it much more difficult to empathise with the first but they all stem from the same thing.

Because food is addictive. If you don't have the food noise, you don't understand how hard it is. I was just posting in another thread that most people won't tell you to just quit drinking. Or 'just cheer up' if you're depressed. But with food, it's apparently super easy, just don't eat!

I'm on mounjaro. for the first time in my life, food doesn't control me. Of course it's now easy to just eat less.

I think you need to ask yourself the question back Op;

why do you have a low level of emotional intelligence which means you can’t understand this?

I think to a lot of people it’s really obvious. The best way to support your husband would be to work on that.

Sometimes irreversible damage is done in the foundation years, when he should have been emotionally nurtured and looked after he was neglected. Food provides a substitute, especially if this was also limited, this will have compounded this pattern.

Weight loss injections have worked wonders for this group. He will find other strategies to help manage his feelings as food will be so unappealing. It is the solution, because willpower alone won’t work, given the entrenched feelings linked to his consumption.

Please be kind to him about this, he doesn’t need more shame and sadness over something he can’t change.

@AzurePanda

Yes, of course it's hard, especially at certain age.
But such people are healthier, have self respect and discipline.
But hey, people can inject themselves now and become "skinny"!

I have been where he is, secret eating was the worst but always feeling desperate to lose weight and always starting tomorrow but tomorrow never came. I could just eat and eat.

The crutch came when I developed gallstones and I had to change how I ate. I have now lost over 3 stone but feel scared about keeping it off.
I also keep thinking I am nearly 50 and I don't want to be a drain on the NHS that I have worked in for the last 25 years! So this does spur me to eat more healthy. I do love a plate of veg and gravy but I also love crisps and toast.

I still prefer to eat alone which is something I need to tackle.

Food, specifically ultra high processed food, is now known to be highly addictive. Add that to his trauma and you may well have your answer.
I really feel for him 😔

Would the nasty commenters be this awful about people with anorexia? Food addiction is the other side of the same coin. No, it’s not easy or simple to fix. It’s a severe mental health problem. Have some empathy.

The problem with food addiction is that you literally have to eat. You can't go cold turkey on cold turkey.

But you mention trauma, so here are some of the things we know about fat and stress:

• body responds to UPFs and toxins in the same way as it does to stress/physical pain
• your digestive system responds to UPFs and other foreign intoxicants
• stress and poor diet can erode the lining of the gut so that toxins re enter the body (leaky gut syndrome)
• your body will store excess stress hormones... In your fat. Being stressed makes you fatter.
• stress causes poor sleep that affects the hunger and satiety hormones, leptin and ghrelin.
• if you lose weight... The stored stress hormones are released back into your system.
• childhood trauma makes you more likely to be stressed as an adult

It really is a perfect storm of bodily responses that makes weight loss very much more than a matter of willpower.

I followed the advice to:

1. Fix sleep and gut health first to help break the cycle.
2. Cut out UPFs and other toxins where possible (pollution, chemicals in house etc)
3. Introduce gentle exercise outdoors for mood and sleep.
4. Then build in goals for healthy eating one at a time.

Going on a diet doesn't work, a lifestyle change plan does, but you have to take it slowly and understand why your body is reacting the way it is.

If he wanted to, he would. There are medications and surgeries.

Me and my DH seem to take it in tuens to fall off the health wagon. Usually, one of us will thrn take control of the situation and meal plan, make sure we get excercise, daily encouragement , talk, ease the burden. It is hard to start if youbare unfit but smalnchanges, so switch up breakfast first, make a habit of a healthy breakfast for a month, then add in a healthy dinner, ensure there are loads of snacks that are healthy in the house. Weve just bought a nutribullet to add smoothies in. Making them for each other, try and get some healthy habits even small ones to start.

If you have a life vest that kept you alive for 45 years would you easily just toss it aside for something else that was untested? Untried? Emotional attachments from the early years are hard wired. It’s much more complex than you are alluding to.

this might look like a flippant remark @Redtoothpaste but it's actually very good advice. Mounjaro doesn't JUST treat the food noise, it really helps with compulsive behaviour and addiction.

See if you can get him to try it for a month, ask him to look into it.

Maybe he’s self harming because he’s so traumatised.

OP, you can take the horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

It’s complex situation that needs to be untangled and managed psychologically and medically.

Sit down with your DH and ask him if he wants to improve his health. Changing his eating habits is doable but requires discipline and it’s very hard work (think stopping smoking/drinking). You can’t help by guiding him and not buying crap to eat.

Had a crappy childhood too and fought my weight a couple of times,have never had health issues because of that.
I was brought up in a poor country with mainly veg/carb based diet. Will eat absolutely anything.
Since coming here my food intake has changed and I was shocked how much processes food I started to consume.

There’s brilliant documentary on BBC about the guy who ate only processed food for 30 days and the health implications of that. It’s really good as it gives you an insight about how this food is made,why it tastes so good and why he wanted to eat more. Really eye opening, it was like he was talking about a drug and being addicted to it.

Think about choices. Give me an apple and pizza and I’ll go for pizza or both but not just apple.

If I could I would live on my sofa with pizza/take away every night and a glass or 2 of chardonnay.
I can’t and I don’t want to- I would absolutely baloon to the point of not being able to move. I need to function for my kids and myself.

@fromthegecko different factors. Upbringing,finances (good food costs much more, junk food is cheap), habits,time,level of activity.

Shame, OP. Thats what is keeping home from making the changes he need to. Right now he is overwhelmed with the size of the problem and the shame he’s carrying.

Would he consider Mounjaro or a similar weight loss injection- it kills both hunger, which helps with overeating AND the food noise he has going on in his head right now.

I had never heard of ‘food noise’ until I decided to use Mounjaro to help me but OMG I get it now. without the food noise and without feeling really hungry it is so much easier to make healthier choices and control portions. It’s been a revelation.

Then you don't have much awareness of mental health and how it can impact on even the most seemingly basic tasks.

The food I want now is completely different - Inactually find UPF like crisps or cheap chocolate or ready meals distasteful and completely unappealing. I have pretty much stopped drinking alcohol - it just doesn’t interest me.
It’s not a cure all - you do still have to plan decent food, eat regularly and listen to the ‘ full’ signal. All part of creating better habits.