To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

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My husband is overweight and has a number of obesity related conditions.

He has been told repeated by doctors that he needs to control his food intake and take better care of himself. He is already on life long medication, and has been for years. He is mid 40s.
He is very worried about his health but he repeatedly falls into his bad habits. His will power lasts a few days and he is eating shit again. He has he doesn’t without thinking. He is making himself and me worried.

Indont understand why he keeps doing this to himself. His response is always, “I will start tomorrow,” but he never does. This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked. He has dozens of self help / procrastination books which has never read.

He is a great husband and father to our two children. I just cannot seem to get through to him. He has a very, very traumatic childhood and he says he slipped into this attitude of putting things over whilst he was at school and its effect him his whole life. He now has a good job, we have a good life and I want it to continue.

Addiction to sugar is a very powerful and physical thing and unlike addiction to drugs or alcohol you can’t just ban it forever after.

Addicts do not think in a constructive way because they are gripped by the desire to eat, smoke, drink etc. your DH needs to come to that realisation and find a strategy that breaks his addiction. You can help, but only he can do it.

I have found intermittent fasting is very helpful in lowering my appetite and desire for food. It’s the only thing that changed my almost constant need to eat. It’s not for everyone but worth trying.

This is like saying why don't anorexics just stop starving themselves? Using food is a coping mechanism. If that coping mechanism is not replaced by anything healthier he will continue to eat.

I struggle with abuse trauma, self neglect and self harm including compulsive eating. The only things working right now are Overeaters Anon and trauma based therapy. I've been able to access Dialectical Behaviour Therapy on the NHS in the past due to a dual diagnosis of BPD/EUPD alongside binge eating, and i find using that helpful in dealing with my self harm behaviours including those food related. I appreciate not everyone can access these but Overeaters Anon is open to anyone with food issues, no referral needed. There are private therapists who treat childhood trauma and EDs too, but they aren't cheap.

Trauma and addiction. People like this need professional help as they cannot treat themselves- just like alcoholics. it's not like they are consciously doing it to themselves, it's an illness/condition that needs treatment.

It's very easy for others to say oh why cant they just stop and change. I doubt very much he wants to be in the situation he is. If he could just click his fingers and be slim and healthy again , that would be great. It's very complex though and think some people just get stuck in these negative cycles for various reasons , not always easy to just say right I'm going to change starting tomorrow. Like any kind of addiction, to drugs , alcohol, gambling , overeating etc making that change can be very difficult for some people. I too would like to lead a healthier lifestyle, I have visions of going to the gym , eating healthy , so many other things , no matter how much I try I do feel stuck sometimes, life , kids , work , different worries , feeling like a failure, so many things all come into play . You do get people whi can change , probably with lots of trying again and again , they can succeed.

He's clearly an addict. Food addiction is not taken seriously at all and there is virtually no help. Even people in this thread think he can just stop with pure willpower. That's not how it works

Hi OP, haven't rtft so apologies if someone has already mentioned this. I am listening to a very interesting podcast by Drs Chris and Xand Van Tulleken about exercise called A Thorough Examination. In it, they discuss why it is so difficult to look after ourselves even when we know we should. It is a very complex area and imo not a lot to do with willpower.

I only have myself to care for.

I think all the latest research, and the success of weight loss injections, indicates that some people don't have the hormones that make them feel full and sated, and have a completely different experience of eating to the way others do. We are all different.

Since my late 30s, I've seem to have met a surprising proportion of people with diagnosed thyroid issues that would never have been picked up in the past: some with over-productive thyroids, where keeping weight on is an issue, and others whose thyroid barely functions.

I hope in the future all this will be understood better and that people who find it difficult to lose and keep off weight will be less stigmatised by the people who find it easy to control their appetite and maintain their weight.

@Priddy that is clearly correct but there are an awful lot of us who also never or rarely feel full but are slim. It’s damned hard but for me the decision not to make poor food choices is worth it as I really value the way I feel when I’m slender and fit.

People who don't struggle with their weight can never envisage why others might.

Former fat people who have slimmed down also seem to not be able to understand, even if they have previously struggled.

I was already thinking there’s unresolved trauma and then read the part about his childhood. That is the issue. I hope he can seek therapy and then start to make small changes that will improve his life. Please encourage him and lead by example, ensure you help him plan healthy meals and don’t buy crap. Good luck 🙏🏽

It's not OP's job to do that. If she wants crap, she can have it. He needs to take responsibility

Exactly. Lack of self worth and self belief, most likely destroyed from when he was a child.

I don’t see it as the same.
Most people are overweight in today’s society so it’s extremely common to overeat. There is always something assigned to it but actually some people will say I’ve had a nice life, happy childhood but I really really enjoy the taste of salt, sugar and high fat processed food, simply because it tastes good. It’s over indulging in the wrong foods that create obesity.

Most people aren’t anorexic and there absolutely other issues at play there in every case. It’s more like self harm by purposefully withholding food and the food is simply a tool.

I feel sorry for you partner or kids if that’s the attitude you have. You absolutely can and should support the people you love, and lead my example. Eating crap benefits no one. A happy family is a team effort. We make sacrifices for those we love. If you lived with a recovering alcoholic, would you continue to buy in alcohol and drink it at home?

You have suggested mindset and motivation are important and I don't disagree but life circumstances certainly have a role.

In my twenties I lost a couple of stone and maintained that loss for a decade plus - I focused on weight loss, I power walked every day for an hour to lose the first stone and went to bed each night with my arms feeling weak and shaky. I took up running and eventually ran a few marathons.

....cut to now and I am a middle aged night shift worker with 2 kids one of which has special needs. The vast majority of my life I am working, sleeping or taking care of my kids (which isn't always easy). I cannot prioritise my health and well-being. I have no time or energy to do so. I'm turning to Mounjaro. Three weeks in I'm 11lb down with 2 and a half stone to go until I hit a healthy weight and a lot of faith that I will get there.

Overeating after serious childhood trauma is often a way of managing unbearable feelings, a kind of self-medication. He has a good life now but may still be troubled by feelings from his younger days. Therapy might help. So might an understanding overeaters anonymous type group.

Compulsive behaviour is way more complicated to overcome than "just doing it."

The OP could do all of that, and there would be nothing stopping her Husband eating whatever, when out, and about. The OP cannot control that, it is down to her Husband to want to change.

Obviously he needs to want to change which is why I suggested therapy. It’s also madness to not try and encourage healthy habits at home, and actually lead by example! Especially if there are kids involved who need to not follow the same pattern as dad, as we see MANY families in which all
members are overweight as no one breaks this cycle.

Nobody has any idea what the OP is doing, or not doing though, seeing as she has not specified.

I think for me at least, it still doesn't feel like I've eaten. I'm not hungry, but I'm still craving food. There's this constant gnawing need to something else - usually carby/salty/sugary (I mainly overeat bread and butter, but it might be crackers or cheese or snack bars or whatever else we have). Only then do I feel satiated.

I do eat plenty of healthy foods, but I eat too many foods on top of that. I certainly don't live on junk food - I don't even really like much packaged junk food (chocolate, crisps, doughnuts type stuff). It's the extra 'normal' food I overeat that causes problems.

And there you go: you control your weight by rigorous dieting and you don't see why others shouldn't — and you completely ignore everything I wrote. Your experience is your experience.

Omg 🤣😫 I know, I was just trying to be encouraging. What is it with some of you Mumsnettters!? Just like being pedantic and disagreeing for the sake of it??

Not at all, you trying to be encouraging may not be necessary though, you assume that the OP needs your words of wisdom. Good Day.