To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

I'd focus on DC vs DS and leave the niece out of it. If you're paying the majority of DC presents then you don't contribute much for DS. That's the deal.
He can't then ask for you to contribute more because of random other person. What if it was your best friend not niece? It's just your money and you spend how you want.
I also think buying a new phone when the last one is not paid off is a bad habit to get into. My kids at 14 had my old phones not brand new ones !

Yet another blended' family mess. I just don't understand how people get themselves into these situations.

Spend whatever you want on your niece and don't spend anything on your teen step son because your husband should be buying him presents. It's awful that he doesn't want to buy his own daughter a present!

Ridiculous to be getting a new phone before the old one has been paid for. At 14? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all

Your DH should be buying joint presents with ex assuming things are amicable.

If that's not possible then your DC and SS should be treated equally.

I have no idea what your DN has to do with anything.

I agree, it's DH who keeps bringing up my niece / how much I've spent on her vs how much I've spent on DSS. In his mind, DSS is "my child" and I should be spending more on him than I do my niece. Personally I don't see it that way, I'm much closer to my niece than DSS (not that I've said that to DH of course) and DSS has two parents to buy his main presents. The fact they don't want to join forces and share the cost between them isn't my problem.

I agree re the phones but as I said, I get no say. Just expected to fund whatever DSS asks for.

Your DH is wrong. He should be contributing equal amounts for his two children, which he isn't doing. It is none of his business what you spend on your niece out of your own money. You are still buying your step child a present. He isn't contributing to your niece's present at all.

do you put ‘from littlelisa and DH’ on your dds presents even though you buy them? If so why doesn’t he put your name on the present he buys for DSS? Why would you need to buy a separate present for dss from you when you are married?

Totally agree , in our house you keep the same phone until your contract runs out, so dss would be getting told to pick another present.

if dh isn’t willing to pay much towards dd gifts then I wouldn’t be paying towards dss gifts. Dh has 2 children with birthdays this month , you only have one.

He has paid towards DDs birthday, but just not as much as me. I'd say about a 70/30 split. He thinks that's fair because he pays more every year for DSS so it's "equal". I completely disagree with that logic personally considering both of them are his kids!

No, go back to him and say he needs to spend the exact same on his daughter and son. If he wants to buy a more expensive present for his son then he needs to ask his ex for half the money.

Yes, he does also put that on DSS' presents too so the kids know no different.

It's between us that it's a sticking point.

It's not even to do with money, he has the money. He gets extremely defensive if he feels I'm not treating DSS well enough or like family enough.

You contribute more to your own dc to save dh having to contribute as much so you are also contributing to his share of dss gift.

If be paid 50% of 5 year old dc gift rather than 30% what is the difference? Eg say 5 year gift party costs £300 you pay £210, he pays £90 then the extra £60 is a contribution to dss joint gifts. Plus the £20 gift.

Not that any of this matters spend what you want on your neice and dss. Any complaints should be re dh not paying 50% of 5 year olds costs.

First post nails it.

You have separate finances? Do you tell him how to spend his money?

He sounds grabby. Is this the only thing or is he like this with other stuff.

Buy whatever you want for your niece. Tell him you're not contributing to dss. It's only fair as he doesn't buy presents for his niece.

I’m not understanding why, as a married couple you’re not just splitting these sorts of things evenly if you have separate finances? Surely that would make the most sense since you’re one big family now.

Personally I’d never spite a child in my family (including a stepchild) just because I don’t think my DH pays the right amount.

this is just two spiteful adults hiding their issues in their children’s birthdays.

grow up.

How on earth can it be equal for your daughter when her dad is spending loads more on his son than his daughter? They only get equal amounts spent on them by your household because you make up the difference for your daughter (but DSS will also have his mum's contribution so will receive more anyway), but your husband is clearly prioritising and favouring his son over his daughter. That's not good at all. I don't think that it's that your DH doesn't see it, it's that he doesn't care.

How are the rest of your finances/work/childcare/logistics sorted?

I think if I was in this situation (which I would never be, rather be single than a step parent), I would have all bills including your joint child paid for; then split 50/50 the reminding. Presents for his son come out of his split of disposable income, and for your niece come out of yours.

His fuss over the exact spending split on presents is petty nonsense (and will get a lot of posters on your side) but the last sentence is the real problem isn't it? Because you don't consider your stepson part of your family to the same extent as your niece and I imagine this is quite obvious to everyone.

I agrre that niece needs to be kept out of this.

To me the math is
Hiw much in total for ds
How much in total for dd

Who paid what for both.

Judging from what you have said above dh has spend a few hundred more on ds

Why does your husband expect you to buy anything for his son? Birthday presents are a parent's responsibility.

No way would anyone tell me what I can spend on my nieces
I spend what I like and my DH would never ask
You and he should pay equally for your own child and he should pay for his child

@LittleLisaBlue sorry but why the hell would anyone think spending £120 on a 5 year old neice's birthday present is appropriate???? that is ridiculous! she is not your kid!

So he doesn't spend identically amounts on his own two children but he expects you to spend the same on your relative as your step son? Madness.

£120 on your niece is batshit, but that aside...

£120 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a niece. My nephews get £20 and then £50 on their 18ths.
Spending so much money on a 14 year old's phone is ridiculous.
Getting into stressed about money for five-year-olds is ridiculous.
Not having shared finances in a reasonable manner with your DH is ridiculous.
Spend less on consumer shite.