To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

I wouldn't buy presents for his children. I'd expect him to pay half towards our children. Niece has nothing to do with it, if you want to spend extra on niece you can. But if money's tight, maybe you shouldn't spend that much on a niece? I would never spend that much on my niece and nephews.

Do you both earn similar?

100% agree.

You don't understand?

Okay, sometimes when mummy and daddy love each other they have a baby and then sometimes mummy and daddy fall out of love with each other and in love with someone else and then they have a baby. And that means those babies are half siblings.

Does that help?

Me and my partner have 2kids together. All clothes/shoes, birthdays, Christmas’s are 50/50 between us. I have an older son who I do the organising for. put partners name on cards. Partner will get him something too to put in his pile from US.

Tbh there’s bigger issues here than finances. The family dynamic is off and this isn’t just going to end in disaster - resentment will just build and fester.

You two need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about all of this - including how it works with his DS and your shared DC.

Tbh I think he should be covering all of his son's gifts and half of your shared dc. What you buy your niece isn't his concern.

I’d agree that it’s bonkers to replace phone when unnecessary. DS is 14 and got his first new phone for Christmas. His previous one was a hand me down that he’d had for four years. It was definitely a bit battered though.

Do you think part of you is spending more on your niece as a reaction to your husband's spending on his son? It sounds like there is resentment there and you're just spending that much to spite his son which isn't a great dynamic and I can see why it upsets him.

It sounds like you don't see his son as part of your core family and value your niece more than him. Which is fair enough, but I'd take into consideration how that would make your husband feel.

The issue here is that you don't see DSS as your family.

He sees your DD and your DSS as both of your children. That's why he thinks it's OK he spends less on DD - because YOU spend more on her than DSS, so he makes up for that fact you spend more on DD by spending more himself on DSS (from both of you).

However, you only see DD as your child. So you think he should spend more on DD, whilst you shouldn't have to spend more on DSS.

I'm with your husband on this one. YABU. You are DSS stepmother. To your DSS, you are a parental figure, and he has been expected to accept that as the result of your and your husband's choices. You don't get to back out of that, you married into this family and chose to be his step mother. Your DSS is a real person in this, you know. You stepped into his life as a parent figure and now you're acting as if you have no responsibility towards him as a parent figure.

Step mother is much more of an important role than auntie.

You have more responsibility to your step child than your niece.

Your DH is comparing how much you spend on your neice to how much you spend on DSS because your "money is tight" and you're only going to chip in £20 for your stepson.

And yes, of course things are more expensive for a 14 year old than a 5 year old. Your neice won't remember what you got her for her 5th birthday after a while, nor will your daughter actually, but a 14 year old is only a few years away from being an adult, more aware of the world and facets of life, and is leaning towards appreciating more adult gifts... Except isn't able to get a full time job or even be paid minimum wage to get it himself.

I'm shocked you're spending £120 on a five year old neice at all. Id be bloody horrified if my auntie prioritised my birthday gifts over her own step childs, ever.

Well I'd be getting pissed off right back at him for not treating DD enough like family. I wouldn't ever be contributing towards a new phone when the old one is still being paid off. That's a stupid lesson to teach a child of any age. Missed DN is only 5, he has a point that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend. I still wouldn't be contributing to pay out the old new phone or pat for the newest phone.

Your DH is picking and choosing - he won't pay half with you for his own child but expects you to pay half for his ds child? Because he says you should consider D's as yours as well.
But he doesn't even pay half for a child that is literally his.

So he wants to pay less for the child you share, and get you paying half for his child. No, no way.

It all sounds awful and not like a team at all.

I wouldn’t even countenance getting a 14 year old a new phone and paying hundreds off an old contract - that’s absurd! But that’s up to him.

It can’t be both ways - either finances are separate and you both do what you want. Or they’re shared and you agree together on budgets. He seems to want it separate but to still control your element.

Resentments begin with unfair situations. The OP's husband thinks it's "reasonable" for the OP to shoulder the majority of birthday expenses for their DD because he has to pay more for his own son. He 'apparently' doesn't get that he has TWO children and has to be fair to both in equal terms.

His attitude is the reason why the OP is resenting him. His son is getting expensive birthday presents from him and his EX, while being pissed off about how much the OP is spending on her niece. He wants the money spent on his son, but has no intention to address how incredibly unfair he's being to his DD.

OP, you need to sit down with your DH and tell him clearly that his son's expenses are his and his ex responsibility. It's up to them to communicate and co-parent like adults. You also need to make clear how unfair he's to his own DD and the resentment his attitude is creating in your relationship with him.

I live with my DP and we have 2 each plus 1 together. All presents come form both of us. I buy for my 2 and he buys for his 2 and things for our shared child come out of our joint account. Similarly I buy for my family from both of us and he buys for his...

He's a pig. You should spend the same on your daughter and his son. He should pay his sons costs and half his daughters

It's totally over the top to spend £120 on your 5 year old neice! I can understand why he's annoyed about that- just on its own. The fact you've then said you're only giving DSS £20 is rubbing salt into the wound and it makes you look like you DGAF.

I would assume you'd say between you and your DH - both kids are getting £200 budget - say for instance. If you personally spend £150 on DD and spend £50 on DSS, then DH is spends £50 on your DD and £150 on DSS. Then either way you look at it, both kids get equal amounts spent on them and you and your DH spent equal amounts to cover it. Surely being married you can combine resources like this?

There are deeper issues here. DSS isn’t your child but you are his step-parent and therefore a parental figure in his life. You married your DH knowing this. Sounds like your DH is trying to overcompensate for the fact you don’t see DSS as being part of your direct family and is taking it out on your DD.

What you spend on your DN isn’t relevant, but you are making an issue by saying you only want to pay £20 for DSS because money is ‘tight’. Money is only tight because you spent so much elsewhere.

You need to plan and agree better. Have shared money for the children’s presents etc. then keep the rest separate.

This is definitely what DH would argue. It's not about money in the sense DH can afford this without my input, but he sees it as me showing DSS isn't as important to me because I'd spend more on my niece than him, missing the fact he spends less on his OWN CHILD than DSS.

I appreciate people saying £120 is a lot for a niece. As I say, we are extremely close. My sister, her mum, has been through a lot as well as my niece in this last year and to be fair it was actually very easy to spend that because most of it went on tickets to a show plus some small things to unwrap. I dont mind spending the money, we have separate finances so it's my money to spend imo.

If i am honest, I am closer to niece than DSS. She does mean more to me and we have a closer bond than I share with DSS which is what he would say is the reason he's upset by this. Personally I still think it's on DH and his ex to share the responsibilities for DSS presents if they want to spend a fortune, not me.

We both earn similarly and pay all bills jointly then have the rest in our own accounts. I prefer it this way and absolutely would not want to change it. We are okay financially, we aren't tight in the sense that spending this is going to cause issues, we have savings etc.. and earn well, its just there is a lot in one go in Feb.

It sounds exhausting in all honesty. We have a central pot we both pay into and all DC and DSD gifts come jointly from that. We have 5 DC and at the start of the year we agree a present budget which is the same for all.of them, and that's the amount we spend, jointly. We're a blended family and if a child wants something over budget we will offer to collaborate with their other parent and/or the child can add to it themselves.

I cannot get my head around calculating what % you each paid for your own DC gifts and squabbling over who has spent what on who. It sounds like a miserable way to live imo

Then surely just tell him he needs to make it even for DD, so give you enough to make it 50/50 instead of 70/30 and then you pony up a bit more for DSS.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling closer to your niece than your DSS but it doesn’t mean you should treat DSS like he means less.

I Love my DSS very much, but it isn’t the same as raising a baby from birth. It is a different love. Not because of biology but because you’ve cared for them and they’ve relied on you since they were a helpless infant. I do love him differently but I don’t treat him differently. I show him the same love and care I show my biological children and you need to do the same, regardless of how you feel. You aren’t responsible for everything for him, but it’s about showing love and care equally, not supporting him financially equally.

Also to add I don't spend this amount on niece every year.

I dont think it's fair for DH to decide it's fine to spend hundreds on DSS but then thinks he gets an opinion on what I spend from my money on my niece. If we jointly decided to spend X on DSS than fair enough, but we don't.

Also to add I don't spend this amount on niece every year.

I dont think it's fair for DH to decide it's fine to spend hundreds on DSS but then thinks he gets an opinion on what I spend from my money on my niece. If we jointly decided to spend X on DSS than fair enough, but we don't.

Money isn't tight, I just think DSS has two parents who can organise spending whatever on DSS together if they want. My niece has nothing to do with it.

If i am honest, I am closer to niece than DSS. She does mean more to me and we have a closer bond than I share with DSS which is what he would say is the reason he's upset by this.

It's a valid reason for him to be upset and I don't think it's great that you're just handwaving it away as a non-issue.

He's chosen the wrong hill to die on in terms of this money nonsense but this isn't even preferring your own bio kid to your stepson, you're preferring someone else's bio kid to him as well. And making that very obvious.

Your niece only has something to do with it because you are claiming money is tight and that’s why you are only contributing £20 to DSS. So he’s saying, if it’s so tight how have you spent £120 on DN? It’s not actually about DN.

You are lying to him about why you are spending only £20 on DSS because the reality is you are resentful of the situation.

He should also be paying half for DD, however.