To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

Agreed! Either there's an agreement we spend xx and we jointly contribute or everyone makes their own decisions

If it's the latter then he can't suddenly ask for equity. Fwiw he should, by his logic, be contributing to niece as she's his niece too !

FFS, when will men realise that women can do what they want! That they cannot control and overpower them?! YANBU, OP - it’s your money spend it as you wish. @LittleLisaBlue

Money isn't "tight" it's just I've already spent a lot this month as it is. And he isn't even contributing equally to his own daughter.

He will say that's because I don't contribute equally to DSS but at the end of the day it's different, DD only has me and DH. DSS has a mother that DH could discuss sharing costs with it he wanted to. I dont think DSS needs 3 adults all spending a lot of money on his birthday. He has a mum and dad to buy his presents, DD has a mum and dad to buy hers and I also have a niece to buy for too.

I'm not lying. I've said all this to him.

If you have separate finances how much you spend on your niece is irrelevant and none of his business.

He reduces the amount he spends on his own Dc with you,

If he had still been with his Ds’s Mum they would cover his birthday costs together. If you and he maintain separate finances it is up to you what you choose to spend on a present for Dss.

I don’t really think it’s about the money. That’s just what has got this conversation going imo.

how long have you been in DSS life? Why isn’t there a close relationship between the two of you? Unless I’ve misinterpreted that!

I don't think its odd either that I'm closer to DN than DSS. DSS isn't here full time, I see more of my DN than I do DSS as I care for her multiple times a week while DSIS works. I've known her since a baby, she's been through an awful lot in her life. I dont want to go into everything but there was even discussions in the past of her coming under our care at one point. She's a huge part of my life.

Fair enough, but it’s not about the money here for either of you. There’s nothing wrong with you being closer to your DN, but you shouldn’t be treating her like you’re closer. Some parents will feel closer to one biological child than another, I certainly feel closer to one of my nephews than the others but that doesn’t mean you treat them differently. It’s totally fine that you want to spoil her but it is also understandable that your DH feels you should also want to show love and care to your DSS. That’s the issue. The money is a by product.

Do you feel like he's treating your daughter well enough? I don't.

I agree with you op. Your DH doesn’t contribute to your DDs birthday gifts, you buy them all, why should you personally contribute to DSSs? And as it’s your own money, you should be able to spend what you want to your DN.

If that's the issue, why isn't the hypocrite treating his own daughter fairly? Why doesn't OP get a say in what they buy DSS?

Your niece, who you are very close to is family and wether he likes it or not your DSS is not.

So why on earth he's expecting you to contribute £120 to your DSS and only £20 for your niece is batshit crazy.

He's manipulating you so don't back down or he'll do it again and again until he gets his own way.

Before I begin, I'll say that I've been a 'step kid' my entire life so I am usually on the 'side' of the step-kid when I read these kind of posts.

That said, on this, I'm siding with you slightly more. A one-off generous gift for a niece doesn't obliterate a longer-standing tradition of him not making a full contribution to your shared DD's presents and him paying the majority of the DSS's presents.

I think you should remind yourself and your DH that you're aiming to find a way forward as a team. There are two separate points to discuss:

1. Niece's present: you've said it was a one-off. Do you and/or DH want to change how you manage your own individual shares of disposable income?
2. % contributions and amount caps and choice of gifts for DSS and DD. Do you and/or your husband want to change your current practice of going something like 95:10 for DSS and 30:70 for your DD?

Given my background as a 'step kid' I would urge you to also look at the bigger picture of how you relate to DSS and who is in your family unit and who isn't. Do you have a default 3 (you, DH, DD) with an occasional add-on (DSS)? If so, that probably will cause tension over the years. It happens to me all the time and it's not fun to be the 'add on', although I do find it more understandable in the household/family that I spend less time with. Being a 'step kid' is difficult. You may look at your DSS and see somebody who gets 2 Christmases, 2 birthdays, 2 sets of gifts and celebrations of every milestone. I promise you, it's harder than that. Even the 2 sets of everything, supposedely the best thing about being a step kid, can feel artificial and performative sometimes. Much less natural than one celebration with everyone.

Why are you not buying their presents together? Why isn't it "our budget is £200 per child"?

I have nieces and nephews on both sides of the family, their gifts are always from both DH and me. There is none of this "this one is my niece, that one is your nephew" stuff.

Niece is pretty irrelevant to me, you can spend whatever you like of your own money on your family. Surely it’s your daughter being shafted by your husbands own logic since she has:

1 mum paying majority
1 stepdad contributing a small amount

whereas DSS has
1 dad buying a large amount (a phone that’s not needed is excessive to be paying off early on top of the cost of the gift)
1 mum presumably spending similar large amount?

AND then it’s expected that you contribute even more? Surely he should be spending the same on both his children?

I’m sure DSS isn’t missing out and the core issue is you aren’t as close to him as your husband expects you to be, but throwing money at the problem isn’t going to fix that.

What's it like to be perfect?

This!

You are free to do what you want. If you feel closer to your niece than DSS and feel your money is better used on your niece, than that's fair enough.

All I would say though is that this might one of maybe a number of circumstances that might mean your DSS might feel some element of sadness or resentment that you don't really consider him as an important part of your life.

I know a number of step parents who later in life express sadeness that they are not included in their step children and their step grand children life when ultimately, they were never really invested in their life as they grew up and I can't help but think at the time that they can't have their cake and eat it.

But it's part of a much bigger picture than just what you are describing here.

Just work out the difference in what you both spent on your daughter and tell him that's your contribution to your ss presents. He can't bring your niece into it, it's seperate money but if he tries then point out the inequality here is that he doesn't pay equal to his daughter as he does his son. If he wants you to contribute to your ss then he needs to pay equal to your daughters birthday with an agreed budget for both

Listen to this because it's exactly correct.

This all feels very odd. Its not your money and his money if you are married, its joint money.

You should be doing:
present to your child from both of you
Present to step son from both of you
Present for niece (less than you spend on direct children) from both of you.

I don't get the he pays, she pays thing.

I spend a lot on my teenagers. It's personal choice. I cut back on other things. I wouldn't expect anyone else to contribute to that. My partner and I spend £20 each on each others children. Different as we don't live together but we have been together 4 years. I think it depends if you have "taken the 14 year old on as your own" or not. If not then it's the dad's responsibility not yours.

He technically should pay half for your joint child but he might not agree that you need to spend that much so that makes it more complicated.
I would stand your ground but I also wouldn't have mentioned how much I had spent on my niece. Not his business.

If you are contributing to your st p son gifts you shou get a say in budget. Your dh should definitely pay 50:50 for his dd it's appalling that he expects you to pay more.
We view our nieces and nephews as joint relations but I guess it depends how long your dh has know her.

I'd say -
Dd - 50:50
Ss- 80:20 (with input on budget)
Dn - 80:20 (with input on budget)

If neither of you want the other to be involved then you should get your dn, dh should get his ds and you should share dd equally

The child's parents are responsible for paying the gift for their child. If you want to spend money on gifts for other people that is your choice, and you can do whatever you want.

DSS - Gift paid 50% by DH, 50% by EX
DD - Gift paid 50% by you, 50% by DH
Niece/other people - not your responsibility but if you want to buy a gift, then do so. How much you spend is up to you.

Your DH wanting you to contribute towards DSS whilst not even contributing properly to his daughter is ridiculous.

If he is paying 30% towards your shared child then you can put in 20-30% of dss I guess

He can't have it both ways. If he wants this equal contribution, he needs to pay as much towards his daughter as he does for his son.