To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

How many aunts does your DSS have?

I always used to think the children from the 'first family' were sidelined when any 'second family' children came along, but in reality its often the other way round, generally due to guilt. The first child/ren have elevated status and money spent on them, "just in case we upset them" and the crumbs go to the second child/ren. Its a very unhealthy dynamic.

YANBU OP, he has two children and needs to remember that.

I can’t believe he thinks of his son has your child - but he doesn’t go halves in the joint child he has with you! What do you see in this man?

But the niece and stepson arnt related so I don't think it's the same. And the niece is 5, the step son is 14.

How could she not treat them dofferently st this age? You can cuddle, play ect with a 5 year old. Doubt a 14 year old is gonna want cuddles off the OP or play games. Teens don't tend to be that interested in their own parents never-ending step parents.

I haven't read anywhere that the OP doesn't show love and care to her stepson. Just that she doesn't want to contribute a lot to his presents as he already has 2 contributing parents and she's paying 70/30 for her own shared child with her partner

Her partner is a pisstaker here, he's not treating his own two biological children the same, so why would OP when one isn't hers and has 2 capable parents?

I agree with this comment but it is not helpful to OP right now.

It looks like DH can't afford 2 children of his own or is simply too tight with money.

I think a 14 year child old would, typically, have a more expensive present than a 5 year old so you can't compare the two.

I'd leave the niece out of all this. Her present has nothing to do with the situation. This is DH clutching at straws because he knows he is wrong. And he hasn't planned for an expensive month so is begrudging everything he can think of.

Unless you are close with the DSS (for ex. He stays at your house regularly and is reasonably integrated in the family), then his present is fully DH's responsibility. It's his problem.

For the joint child, it should be from family money and the big mistake is not sharing a pot of family funds. This is what you need to address asap. And it shouldn't matter how much you each contribute to this pot.

Unless you are close with the DSS (for ex. He stays at your house regularly and is reasonably integrated in the family), then his present is fully DH's responsibility. It's his problem

He stays twice a week, we don't have a bad relationship, we just aren't super close.

I could never be with a man who counts pennies between us. We’re married, we’re a team, what we have is ours, been with my husband 25yrs and never NEVER have we done the whole I paid this much so you must pay that much, thank goodness my husband is not calculating like that. I wouldn’t be with him if he was.

What’s his response when you say this to him?

I would say that until he contributes 50% of his daughters costs then there is no discussion to be had. He is favouring one child over the other and that is not good enough.

No man to me is worth it that much to deal with stuff like this. Dss isn't your child, you don't need to be treating him equally with gifts as long as you are buying him something. That's for his actual parents to sort out.

I wouldn't even feel bad about spending on my DN. Quite pathetic of him to be treating your dd so unfairly.

I can't fathom how he thinks it's ok to not contribute equally to the child you share together, but wants you to contribute towards his own child who will then have 3 parents spending money but yours effectively only has one parent spending money. Crazy. I'd refuse until he actually contributes more to your shared child.

I guess the main issue is that you’ve let DH get away with not splitting DD’s birthday 50-50? I don’t get why you should be paying 70% unless you are a much higher paid earner than him.

People behaving like you is how you get the "evil step mother" being a thing. You are a family! I get not combining finance's if you don't wish to, but personally with gifts it should be 50/50 for family members, is he not seen as uncle to your niece? £20 for your step son is tight as hell, especially for a 14 year old and shows him exactly what you think of him, that he isn't even as important as your niece.
I have a step child and he's bought exactly the same as my bio kids. I also have extended family that aren't actually family anymore as they are my ex's family, but I still buy presents for their bday and Xmas as we all get along and my partner happily contributes to that regardless of what it is.

I wouldn't be buying a new phone, when the current one is still being paid for.

This is a mess that is going to keep rearing its head because there’s a fundamental underlying problem and that is your relationship with your DSS and your DH’s perception of that relationship.
When you marry someone with kids, it’s a package deal. Even if you don’t ‘feel’ the connection to them as a step parent, you have to behave like they are a part of your family. £20 (compared to what you are spending elsewhere on gifts) is a slap in the chops for a step child. It screams ‘you’re not mine and you’re not important to me’. That is not right.

I will never understand choosing to have a kid with someone who already has kids. It's ALWAYS messy. I feel sorry for the stepson.

You are annoyed with the OP for not going 50/50 on expensive presents for her step-son, but you haven't criticised OP's DH who is contributing only 30% of the value of the gifts for his own daughter with OP.

If OP is an 'evil stepmother', he is an 'evil father 'by your standards.

OP has known her niece since she was born and is very close to her.

No comment on OP's DH contributing only 30% of the value of his own daughter's presents?

It screams 'you are the child of my second marriage and you're not as important to me as my child from my first marriage'. That's much worse than what you think OP is doing. She has no legal responsibility for her step-son (but does still contribute to his gifts), but her DH has a legal responsibility to his own daughter.

@Xsxjxmx
What is the DH here then if he thinks he shouldn't contribute equally to his OWN DD? don't put this all on OP.

I’m answering the OP’s question. She asked about her gifts to niece and DSS, not my opinion of how she and her DH handle their finances around their own child.

In these situations it’s hard to know how much one person’s behaviour is a result of someone else’s e.g. does he spend a lot on his son because he knows his wife won’t bother (and perhaps he can’t rely on ex-wife either, or ex-wife doesn’t have the finances). I can only really comment on OPs actions here, as she has explained her thought process and admitted she doesn’t treat her DSS as part of her family. That’s just wrong.

You spend a lot on birthdays and your DD and DSS should feel very fortunate.
I don't see why you need to mention your niece's gift as it is your private discretionary spending and you don't often spend that much. Presumably you have scrimped and saved on other items for yourself to afford the gift this year.

It seems fair that you always contribute less than DH to your DSS's gifts. Fair also that you each pay 50% of your DD's gift and that you pay all of your niece's gift (and DH pays for all of his neice's gift)

I hate to say it but obviously he considers dd your pet, while DSS is the real child.

What a mess and how sad 😔

Can't believe there are households which function like this.

We have had a joint account and 9nly a joint account since before we were even married. Complete trust, complete transparency l, no hard feelings.

Why would you have separate money, will never understand it. Also, the children must pick up on it...

When I was A SAHM for several years I had no income and at birthdays and Christmas there would never be any mention of who'd paid for what - would be unthinkable.

... And yes, there was some blending with a non resident step-daughter.

Is the issue that you would usually spend a bit more on DSS and you're short because of a big spend on DN? Or is £20 usual but DSS wants something unusually expensive this year? I'm not sure £20 is that generous for a step child when you don't have joint finances, but on the other hand you could afford to be more generous if DH paid half for your twins. And DSS shouldn't have loads more spent than your DC, although there's a big age gap so they may get more spent on them when they're older. If you can get him to contribute 50% to your children and you contribute say 20 or 25% to DSS or a set amount this might work out better for you over the longer term as your girls grow up and need phones and laptops and things and DSS becomes an adult and needs less.

Totally nailed it, I can feel her disdain for the SS through the posts.