To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

Also agree.

@Swiftie1878 @CindereIIa
What about the DH who barely contributes towards his DD and leaves it to the OP?
Is OP the bad guy because she's a step mum?

He's awful too. Absolutely.

I didn't call her an evil step mother, I said things like this is where that comes from.

And hell yea I'm annoyed at her attitude , what did the poor kid do to deserve to be treated like crap by the step parent he has no choice in having. She had a choice to not have him by not being with the father. I have kids that have had step parents and one of them was treated not dissimilar to this and it's heartbreaking breaking when your kid knows they are basically an inconvenience to the step parent.

She didn't question her husband not paying half, that wasn't what she was asking. And I said that I believe ALL gifts should be halved. If she wanted half he would probably give it. But he isn't throwing just a £20 gift at his child it's way more than that. He also I would imagine spends more on that child during the year, than his other child that appears to not live with them, which is another reason he probably spends more on the birthday gift. And if she didn't consult him on the cost of their daughter and she refuses to contribute to her step child's present he probably doesn't have enough for half. That isn't his fault. If she spends £300 on gifts and parties and expects half from hubby without consulting him but then he spends £150 on his son, and rightly so, and she won't contribute as she has the opinion of not my child, then 🤷‍♀️ that's actually more down to her actions. And yes she said he didn't consult her about the step sons gift, but why would he if he knows she won't contribute towards it.

I'm fiercely of the belief of treating ALL the kids the same, as they NEVER are the ones that chose their situation. I have a step child and 3 bio children, and I NEVER say I have 3 kids and a step child, I have 4 kids, I only explain it if asked. And I would not put up with my partner treating my older 2 kids like the neighbours kid because he isn't bloody related, once we moved in together he went on halves with all gifts.

You also say the parents should sort something together. But say they don't talk. So I image you know full well the reason why they don't talk and what you're saying is probably very unrealistic that they we become buddies to sort presents.
Having your parents separated is hard, but you're begrudginh that the kids gets two lots of presents. I'm sure he'd rather have one home and only his bio parents, especially when his step mother can't be arsed with him from the sounds of it

So you get the credit for something you don't even want to contribute towards.
I feel sorry for the stepson

Am I the only one who wouldn’t feel it necessary to spend the same amount on a 5 year old as a 14 year old?
That said, your DH is being petty. I have stepkids and their dad always buys their gifts and makes it from both of us. If I see something (smallish) that I know my stepchild would like, I might buy it as an extra but the main gift is bought by Dad, but a gift from us both.

Your last line is the issue. OP is showing him that she is capable of caring about someone else's child, she just doesn't care about his.

How does he know what you’ve spent on your niece if you have seperate finances?
£120 does seem a lot to spend, I don’t spend that on my own children, however that’s beside the point.
You can spend whatever you wish on anyone you choose if it doesn’t affect your family’s finances.
He should spend a similar amount on both his children, if the younger one has cheaper presents because of age, the difference should be put into her savings account.
I have 2 older ones and a little one, they all get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays, if the little ones presents are significantly cheaper I transfer the difference into his child’s savings account.
IMO big presents for his older one should ideally be brought between himself and his ex, and then a smaller gift from yourself either by yourself or a combined present between you and your OH, if they don’t wish to purchase gifts together then everyone should buy their own, with you choosing what to spend on yours.

There is a lot to unpick in this situation so I will focus on the phone.

Why is DH buying another phone before the old contract has finished?

And why is a 14 year old getting new phones on contracts instead of old ones on PAYG or cheaper phones?

An issue here is that your husband is reneging on your present-buying agreement because he’s trying to spoil his DS with money he doesn’t have!

If he wants you to contribute, you should get a say in budget and present.

Or he should start saving earlier if he wants to continue choosing expensive presents.

I think some dm's make their dc think of their df as a cash cow when they separate! I have 4 dc, the youngest dd3 has just turned 17 and I spent £17 on her birthday present. It didn't enter my mind to think I had planned on spending £20 so should have given her the extra £3 cash! She has a reconditioned mobile phone that is 6 years old and I pay £7 a month similar only.
Ds is now 21 but when he was about 14 we agreed he'd get a mobile phone on a contract ( a basic Samsung model j3). He didn't like the phone and somehow it ended in a puddle. I still had to pay the contract so he had to buy a cheap no brand phone from Amazon and we didn't discuss phones again until the contract ended. By this time one of his sisters had given him their old phone so I just paid sim only.

Completely agree with @Swiftie1878 A 5 year old has no concept of how much has been spent on them and gifts they will love tend to be cheaper but still bring a lot of joy. Teens are more difficult and as they get bigger things get more expensive. It sounds as if you simply begrudge SS getting gifts because he's not your focus. Maybe your relationship isn't great because he senses your lack of interest in him.

This. He doesn't get to decide your money has to cover a disproportionate share of DDs costs and go towards DSS also. It's one or the other.

I would not be upgrading an iphone for a 14 year old... I would not be spending £120 on niece - misses the point of the thread.

There can be more than one point to a thread.

The OP has stated a few times that money is tight this month, so hopefully the point isn’t lost on them!

He's making it unfair by spending more on his son than he does on his daughter. Why should he not contribute to his daughter's birthday just because he has a son to financially support. At 14 the kid does not need a new phone when his current one isn't even yet paid off. My 14year old currently has his sisters old phone and won't get a new one until it's necessary for a new one to be purchased. Husband needs to prioritise better rather than ranting off at you when he doesn't even equally contribute to the daughter you share

In simple terms money = love in SH’s mind. He thinks you love your niece more than your DSS because you spent more on her present. Whereas DSS is a child of his nuclear family and in the natural order of things you would love a DS more than a DN.

Basically, it’s about you not loving his son enough.

Honestly, I think you're being perfectly reasonable. You already contribute heavily to your own child’s birthday, and your spending on your niece is a personal choice, especially since you have separate finances.

Your husband expecting you to start paying more for DSS now just because his gifts are getting more expensive isn’t really fair—especially when he’s the one who insists on paying more for DSS in the first place. It sounds like he’s only interested in "fairness" when it benefits him.

You’re not saying DSS shouldn’t have a nice birthday, just that the financial burden for it shouldn’t fall on you, especially when his mum is in the picture and they could coordinate better. If your husband wants to spend hundreds, that’s his choice, but it doesn’t mean you should automatically be expected to match it.
It’s also understandable that you want to do something special for your niece, particularly after a tough year.

You’re not taking anything away from DSS by doing that—you’re just choosing how to spend your money. It sounds like your husband is making this about "fairness" when really, he just wants you to help cover the rising costs of DSS’s gifts rather than actually splitting expenses fairly across both kids.

At the end of the day, it’s not about who gets what exact amount—it’s about financial priorities and respect for each other’s choices. If your finances are separate, he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on in dictating how you spend your money. If he wants "fairness," maybe he should start by contributing equally to your child’s birthday before demanding more from you.

Tell him he has 2 DC so pays equal for each. You have 1 DC so pays half towards her gifts. Your dsc Mum can pay half towards his gifts. You shouldn't be paying anything towards DS's gifts as he has 2 parents of his own to buy them. Point this out to dh. You should only pay half of your shared DC gifts too. Don't tell your DH what you spent on your niece as it's none of his business what you do with your own money. If he didn't know what you spent he couldn't complain. I'd be telling DH if he treats your shared DC not as good as he treats his other DC as your shared DC grows she'll know he loves his other DC more. Stop covering for him.

For all the children's sakes, I hope you can both resolve this shitshow amicably, before the resentment starts taking root ☹️.

The irony of your username 😂

Which bits do you disagree with?

You shouldn't be paying anything towards DS's gifts as he has 2 parents of his own to buy them

Why would a step mum not buy a gift for a member of her family?

Because these parents have separate finances so Dad buys gift for his son and signs it from them both and OP buys a gift for her niece and signs it as from them both. Do you and your DH give separate gifts to DC or from you both? DH and I give DC one gift signed from both of us. I think most parents do not this gift is from me and that gift is from other parents. They live together in the same house. Do you think they should send separate cards too? The Mum should get her son a separate gift as she no longer lives with DC Dad.

The starting place for me is the high amounts of money being spent on all the children in this post - a 14 yr old having a new phone when his old phone isn't even paid for, a 5 year old having a £120 from an aunt, etc. That's before you get near the weirdness of apparently separate parental finances AND DH spending more on one of his children than the other not because of their needs or ages, but because of you.
I wouldn't start from here!