To spend more on my niece than my step child

[LittleLisaBlue]

February is an expensive month for us. It's our DCs birthday (they will be 5), my niece's birthday who I'm very close with (also 5) and my step sons birthday later in the month (turning 14).

I end up paying the majority for our daughters birthdays and my husband excuses this by saying that it's "fair" because he pays the majority for DSS. Personally I disagree because DH has two children, so why should he not pay equally toward both of their birthdays but that's another thread. Obviously since DSS has started to get older his presents have started to get smaller but a hell of a lot more expensive. This year he wants a new phone but it means his old one getting paid off first at a few hundred and some other things.

As I said above I am very close to my niece and she's had a bit of a rough year the last year. This year for her birthday I have bought tickets for her to a day out she'll love and a couple of smaller things. All in all it came to about £120 (DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to). I am also, as I said above, paying for about 70% of our child's birthday things which is equalling another couple of hundred when you include the party. DH is paying some toward it but not half.

We basically had a bit of an argument last night because I said I would get something for DSS that's about £20 but that would be all I'd be getting for him personally and DH will need to sort the rest as there is too much going on this month.

DH is pissed off because he thinks i should be spending £120 on DSS and £20 on my niece not the other way around. I disagree. He only wants me to start chipping in more now with DSS because he's getting more expensive. I dont always spend this much on my niece but we have separate finances and I wanted to this year.

I think if DH wants to spend hundreds on DSS he should work something out with his mum, not have a go at me for not paying half. They never talk or arrange things together so DSS ends up with two lots of presents all costing a huge amount, two birthday trips out again costing ££. I dont begrudge that but I also don't think it's my responsibility to pay for it because his parents dont want to organise things together. I get no say in what the present is, just expected to cough up a hefty contribution when I'm already paying a lot of money out this month for both our child and my niece.

I suspect, OP, underpinning all of this is your husbands feelings of guilt to his child. He feels bad that his son has been through divorce and he only sees him twice a week. He’s spending lots of money to try to make up for it. He wants you to gush over him to make up for it.

He’s projecting his own insecurities about his relationship with his child onto you.

Everything you’ve said is correct. He needs to treat his children equally.

DSS has two parents to buy his presents, as does your DC. You should be paying half of your DC’s gift. Your DP should pay the other half and half of DSS. You do not have to pay more than a token amount for DSS and your DP needs to sort himself out.

I’m not sure how OP isn’t treating him as part of her family - she is, as her stepchild. Some stepparents take on a parental role and treat their stepchildren as theirs, but plenty do not. He knew he was marrying someone that wasn’t the mother of his eldest, and if having a partner that was willing to take on a parental role was important to him he should have prioritized that. That he didn’t doesn’t mean he gets to try and force you into the role now.

It’s sensible to have separate bank accounts, and it’s not on you to pay towards his individual responsibilities.

YANBU.

It sounds as if the OP and her DH buy separate gifts. It’s not what I do but some families set things up that way.

You are supposed to be a family, you are married, yet seem to be arguing like friends or flat mates. Whether you have joint accounts or separate accounts that doesn't matter, all the money surely if family money so why are you doing such weird accounting.

I think it makes sense to discuss presents and type rather than cost - that doesn't matter, it's whatever they want for their birthdays surely?

Find it weird you are both so hung up on costs and -appears to allude to other communication issues!

'DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to' is the weirdest statement ever.

The OP said she is very close to her niece and since you don’t know the backstory or the OPs finances, I think your comment is inappropriate .

I regularly spend that and more on my DNs
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