To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

He's an adult and should face adult consequences to his behaviour.

I know someone who would do something like this and he is also capable of being a sweet, lovely and charming person. But when he's upset he has no filter and no self control. He has ASD and ADHD. This sort of thing could also be a sign of emotionally unstable personality disorder. It's sad for the person who has to live with it, but it's not your problem or your DD's to fix or make allowances for and she should steer well clear.

I'm not sure what I think about this. On the one hand I do feel that it's good that men make it clear to other males that this kind of behaviour and abuse is not going to be tolerated.

On the other hand I don't want men to "save" women as such, as that could become just another kind of toxic masculinity, but I do want them to play a role in making society safer for women.

Thr police will not be interested in 2 unpleasant messages. The op needs to block him. If he persists yes takes things further but it is not at that stage by any stretch.

Have you read the whole thread? Two actual serving police saying contact police.

I guess he's just proven how right she was to end things with him. If he continues to harass you or your daughter then I'd definitely be contacting the police. I'd encourage your daughter to continue to completely grey rock him also. Nothing will probably come of this but it isn't unheard of for tragedies to happen at the end of relationships and this boy/man has shown that he is a bit unhinged. I don't say this to scare you, just to encourage you to have your wits about you over the next few months, but I'm sure you will anyway.

I don't want to frighten the OP but you only have to look at the recent story where the family of a sports journalist were killed by the ex bf of one of the daughters to see how extreme things can become.
At least if the OP logs it with the police then it is there.

Repeated unpleasant texts to the daughter, 25 phone calls, then an escalation to messaging op when the dd isn't responding.

It isn't simply 2 messages.

This is what is in my head - that crossbow guy - @123dontcomeatme Don't contact his parents or whatever, don't reply t him, but absolutely DO raise this with the police now, don't wait until Friday. This is really important.

If he DOES decide to back away gracefully, all fine, but what if he's sitting wherever he is, brooding on it and winding himself up? You won't know anything about it until it's potentially too late.

You will not be wasting police time, even if this guy does nothing. This is what they are there for.

This is awful @123dontcomeatme whoever his single parent is (Mum or Dad, I don’t think you said) does need to be aware this has happened but there again maybe this is learned behaviour from one of his parents so it is very hard. There seem to be a lot of young adults with no boundaries these days, sadly. Well done to DD for being able
to deal with it and not put up with it.

And this is the message that the OP, @123dontcomeatme , should be taking from this thread.

Quite. Harassment occurs with two forms of contact, job directly or indirectly AFTER you state that you consider this harassment and request/demand for it to cease. Then the police will take action, unless threats are involved obviously.

Just reply. Anymore harassment and you will forward to police. Don't get into anything ...

You need to go to the police, don't threaten or worry about it later, or if he continues when he is back in the country, go to them now, even if they dismiss it at this stage you have made a report and started a process.

Hopefully he's just an immature twat who has had his heart broken for the first time and is struggling to except it's completely over, first loves or first serious relationships are incredibly intense, hopefully he will realise he's a twat and come to terms with it very soon and he'll forever be completely embarrassed by his behaviour the last few days.

However, this is also how all these terrible terrible stories with tragic consequences begin, with a man, often a youngish man not accepting a relationship is over.

You must report it to the police today.

You have been given excellent advice OP by several Police Officers to report this harassment of both you and your daughter. Unfortunately, as we are aware boys mature more slowly than girls and an interview by the Police will, we hope, be enough to nip this in the bud and stop this behaviour in its tracks. I hope your daughter has a nicer day today.

Absolutely. That’s all I’m saying. One response, particularly from mum saying if he makes further contact you will be going to the police and that you are taking this seriously as he is crossing the line into a criminal offence. Again, unless he has made any threats, even to harm himself, then involve police. They would rather be aware than not.

He's a nasty, vindictive, potentially dangerous, certainly abusive, piece of shit
Report this to police with copies of all contacts from him

We did that. Didn’t work. He had no respect for either of his parents, especially not his mother.

Contacting the police doesn’t mean an arrest, but an early ‘chat’ with someone in uniform can deliver a message that parents just can’t get through.

They’re not ‘entertaining’ it, you make it sound like having social media and a phone is an invitation to harass someone until they have to do something about it. That’s victim blaming.

At 18, this lad is young, immature and hasn’t been taught that he doesn’t get to make demands on women’s time and efforts with him. He is also an adult, and is starting his adult life on an extremely slippery slope down to being an abusive partner in the near future. Look at that poor woman in the news recently who was driven to suicide by a man who wouldn’t leave her alone. These men need to be told seriously from the first time they start this behaviour that it will not be tolerated. Even if this turns into nothing, the likelihood he’ll do it to the next young woman is high, and it builds a longterm picture.

@123dontcomeatme I’d keep him blocked but report everything so far to the police. They will tell you to block him regardless. I’d put in a door cam in case he starts approaching your home instead. But please report, men who instantly jump to this level of anger at being dumped are dangerous.

More to the point, if however has the biggest threat of physical violence should win every time is this the best outcome for women in general? Or men in general for that matter?

All the more reason to report it ASAP then, surely?

Have a look at https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline for information about stalking. He’s maybe just letting off steam after getting dumped (still not acceptable) but if this harassment continues you need help to deal with it

Agree - just making the point that the next girl isn't even the issue yet. It's still OPs daughter who is at risk. Probably a bit petty of me to mention tbh - let's move on. We are in agreement that this needs sorting!

I really feel for you. I had similar happen with my eldest DD and her first boyfriend when she was 18. They had been together over a year and it was clear he was very much in love with her. She loved him too but was never quite sure if he was 'the one'. He was close to our family, we all liked him and he always came across as such a lovely respectful guy who loved our daughter and took care of her.

However, after that first year together he started to show signs of control and started texting and messaging more than normal when they were not together (i.e him at work and her at college) He was starting to get more intense and he started making accusations that she was flirting with other guys when she wasn't. She had male friends that she hung about with that she had always had, way before she met her BF. After a while of this she started to feel smothered and decided that she wanted to end the relationship.

This is where the 'nice guy' that we thought we knew started to turn bitter and nasty. His messages became unkind and threatening and abusive. She blocked him from everywhere, phone, social media etc, and we thought that was it. He then found me on Facebook and started sending me messages telling me that my daughter was a bitch and I did a bad job bringing her up. I was gob smacked. I couldn't believe he was talking to me that way. The sheer disrespect. However, I am the kind of person who just told him to 'fuck right off and grow up' and told him if he ever messaged her, or me, again I would call the police on his ass.

We were lucky and we didn't hear from him for a week or two but it put us both on our guard. Wondering if he was going to turn up at the house, or turn up outside her college to see her. Fortunately he didn't. But after a couple of weeks he then got his sister to message both of us to say that he was sorry for the way he had reacted but that he was angry and he loved her and didn't know how to handle the breakup of the relationship. Neither of us replied to our messages through the sister and promptly blocked her too.

I would just be on your guard with him. He seems angry and unpredictable. If you need to get the police involved then don't hesitate to.

The nice guy is the act. The controlling misogynist they turn into is them with the mask off. Stop minimising the risk and show all of his messages to the police today.