To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

To use a total MN classic, "log it with 101". And in this case, it's actually appropriate.

You have an actual police officer on this thread saying contact the police.

I worked for a hot minute for the police and this is something that would come in every day - it's not dismissed as "nothing", it will be logged, you'll get a reference number in case of further messages or face-to-face contact when the boy returns tomorrow. It's been a year long relationship so I doubt he's going to accept the girls decision to finish easily.

Don't contact the parents as that might inflame things, it's harassment and it's a police matter.

Don't have a too and fro through messages with the boy - if it's been made clear DO NOT CONTACT ME from both you and your daughter - any additional messages are a conversation ... block if you feel better about that, or allow further messages should you want to show the police should the messages escalate. Make this clear to your daughter too. This is a good time to have a frank conversation with her about online safety too -

You can go to your local police station and file a report, but 101 or the online forms also work - going into the station doesn't mean it gets dealt with faster.

As others have said, you're taking steps to protect the next girlfriend. People change addresses, even names, but not so often phone numbers and in logging this harassment his phone number is then on record should he try anything else with anyone else.

Well, they might be. Then again, they might not be. Then you're just adding more potential victims of his rage into the mix.

He's 18 and unpredictable, the sensible response is to involve the police at the earliest opportunity.

Your daughter sounds like a smart girl, she knows now it would not be safe to meet with him in person. I'd call 101, and tell them you'd like to log this, better safe than sorry. Both of you block him and hopefully that will be an end to it. If it's not, report every single incident to the police and make sure your daughter keeps her wits about her when out and about. Encourage her to stay strong and not relent to this sort of manipulative behaviour. These are huge red flags for an 18 year old man.

Hello OP,
Police officer working in DA here.

Please report to police. He has stalked your daughter AND you (assuming the messages to you were on two separate occasions) just by repeated unwanted contact (and he should have known your DD, and you, wouldn't want that level of contact).

Whilst you and your daughter may not want to proceed with an investigation or prosecution, it is really important for police (and future women than he starts relationships with) that we know about his behaviour, and very concerning that a young man feels this entitled to behave so appallingly because of a break up.
It suggests a worrying pattern of behaviour should it be allowed to continue.

You don't need to provide an official complaint to the police but they will most probably arrest and interview him - this is scary and probably off-putting for your DD but it sometimes really is the only way to give him the shock he needs to realise his behaviour is unacceptable.

Best of luck OP. So glad your DD has told you about this and she your support for this.

There wasn’t any violence involved. But yes, in some situations, depending on the context, a little bit of intimidation is helpful - moral high ground or not, if it was my daughter I wouldn’t twice about going down that route it if it was an option - and that is the truth whether right or wrong. I’d also contact the police though and log the harassment.

We had a very similar experience with my DS’s ex girlfriend.
After he finished with her, she sent messages to me on IG, telling me I needed to sort him out.
To cut a long story short, we discovered that in the time they’d been together, she had been coercive and controlling - demanding his social media log ins which she used to contact any female friends he had, cat phishing them as him, threatening female friends, contacting our DD to say she wasn’t happy about certain IG profiles DS was following etc.
If he added female friends on IG, she contacted them to warn them off and demanded screen shots of their conversations with DS.

Things rapidly escalated after he finished with her - she set up anonymous IG accounts to stalk me and DD, she used multiple burner phones to contact DS (pretending to be other people), she hacked his emails and social media accounts and then she went into his UCAS account and withdrew all his conservatoire applications the day after the submission deadline.

We went to the police and they logged every incident, recording the complaint as coercive controlling behaviour, stalking and harassment, and misuse of a computer.
Unfortunatrly, the days of the police being able to visit someone for a quiet word are past - now, they have to fully investigate complaints.
DS was going through auditions and A levels at the time and I was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of it all, so we chose to have it logged with the option to action the complaint if things continued.

She was withdrawn from their school this time last year (they were both boarders).
A couple of weeks ago, he was with his new girlfriend and was seen (he thinks) by his ex.
Within hours his FB account had been hacked.

OP, please contact the police. They will take it seriously and will log it as a complaint, which can be added to with every new incident and you can choose to action it either immediately or within 6 months.

Send round the heavies with at least the implied threat of physical violence and they are the ones in the wrong.

You think that someone unhinged like this doesn’t know how to play the victim when it suits him?

Block, screenshot and report to the Police. They will talk to him and hopefully, that is enough. If not it is logged for the future. Sadly men and women do behave in this way.

Bet he's been indoctrinated by Andrew Tate misogyny etc., especially if you tell us the red flags!

Definitely go to the police. It'll teach your daughter to recognise the pattern in potential future partners, and it may show up on a Clare's Law check to warn his future partners.

As other posters have mentioned a clear message needs to be given that is really clear that the relationship is over and she no longer wants to meet up and to stop contacting her in any way.
I personally would wait to see if he persists today after receiving clear message from DD and you blocking him before contacting the police.

@123dontcomeatme

If I have to threaten the police I will

Don't threaten to contact the police, actually contact them and please do so today.
Don't delay just because he's currently out of the country. The police may take their time to respond, or the nasty gobshite may decide to travel home early.
Please do prioritise this and be totally open with them.

I'm really surprised your comment hasn't been quoted a bunch of times, and only referred to once. I'm not even the OP and I would love to hear more about the process!

It always feels like women's safety isn't taken that seriously in justice systems, it would be brilliant to hear an insider's perspective.

We had an almost identical situation with DD when she was a similar age.

She spoke to him via message saying she wanted to speak to him later - he realised that she was gong to dump him, and messaged and messaged and called and contacted my husband etc

She did end things with him by text in the end because he wouldn't wait for the conversation.

Then she had a barrage of messages and calls from him, his friends, joint friends all calling her names, calling us names and being mean about her brother.

She blocked the lot and he gave up. Later some of the 'friends' contacted her to apologise, they missed her etc - but she had moved on and grey rocked them and they drifted away.

we kept screenshots 'just in case' but it all died down and the whole lot of them are out of her life now.

Any allegation of domestic abuse is taken seriously and always crimed (recorded).
The difficulty (as with sexual offences) is 'provability'.

My force has about 95% interview rate for DA, either on arrest or voluntary. This means we may not always arrest but we nearly always get the alleged abuser's account.

We cannot always take matters to court as we need evidence (which some victims do not want to provide, understandably), and it is harmful to the potential trial if there is undermining material, so if someone says they're being stalked and then it transpires that the victim actually instigates intimate contact with the abuser (not incl childcare discussion), or has a previous allegation of DA against them, then it is often the case that police or CPS will state there is not a 'realistic prospect of conviction' which means the matter isn't often charged and progressed to court.

Nevertheless these incidents stay on someone's local police record forever so if he is abusive towards another woman in the future and she does a Claire's Law application, she may be told brief details about this incident.

The safety of victims is paramount and we always do everything we can to encourage victims to support our investigation, offer safeguarding measures, referrals to other agencies etc

Nasty and agree that could be the start of potentially dangerous behaviour.

Does your DD know his parents? Have a relationship with either of them?

I'm thinking out loud but I'm wondering whether a word with them along the lines of 'Sorry he's upset we've broken up, but i have the right to safely leave a relationship and your son's behaviour is abusive, borderline stalking and aggressive. I want him to stop now, because it's frightening me, but it continues, i'll have to report to police because we've all seen how this kind of thing can escalate. Perhaps you can speak to him.....?'

But that really depends on the relationship between your DD and his family, what they are like and whether that will trigger him getting even angrier - but frankly, if he thinks it's ok to contact her mother, then he doesn't really have the right to be angry.

And yes, I know he's technically an adult but my DS turns 18 next week and I can assure you, he is not going to magically turn into a 'man' with 'adult thinking in every way' between now and then....

Your daughter needs to send him a final message and ask him never to contact her again in any way. His behaviour has proven she dodged a bullet. He has shown his true colours and no one deserves that, but it does need flagged with the police. No doubt any future relationship he gets into is going to be abusive. It's probably only a matter of time before it becomes physical. If you daughter goes back to a boy like this it gives him power. Power to think his disgusting abusive dominant behaviour gets him what he wants. She will be in serious trouble then.

She needs to block him NOW! Words can cause great damage and they have the habit of whispering in your ear and knocking for confidence for a LONG long time. She needs to block him on all channels, and report the messages he sends through these channels as harassment and threats. You can do this on all platforms, even personal messages. Report every message every time.

Please call the police. The next girl might not be as lucky as your daughter

Don't threaten the police, don't engage with him further. Take every bit of evidence and speak to the police and explain how terrified your daughter is of this man.

I don't think that's a valid argument. The OPs DD is in the thick of it right now - she hasn't been lucky at all. It's ongoing...

Which is great when it works. My brother's stalkerish ex got a gang from the estate to beat him up when he broke up with her. He was 18.

What they didn't realise was that he had a much bigger & much older brother (me). You really don't know what you might start playing at being a gangster.

The sensible option has to be to involve the police at the earliest opportunity.

I would be contacting the police. Possibly sending him one more message to advise him this has been done. I wouldn't give him a "stop it or else" warning - he is plenty old enough to know this is wrong. Screenshot the messages from him and block. Show your DD that this behaviour is undeserved and unacceptable and how it should be dealt with.

I’m not sure if you are still reading these responses but although these messages are awful I am going to go against the grain a little and say don’t involve the police just yet.

Is he with his parents and do you have contact details for them? If so, message them and explain what has happened, say it is not acceptable and that you have saved the messages. Say to them that you are giving him this last chance to stop, any further contact will be counted as harassment and will be reported to the police. Be firm and state how upsetting and frightening this has been and that you are worried about his return and you shouldn’t need to be. Then see what their response is. If it is apologetic and reassuring then hopefully it will stop there, but at least they have a chance to sort.

I know many mumsnetters will disagree, I have my reasoning if anyone would like to hear them, but if I was the young man’s parents I would appreciate the chance to correct his behaviour.

Just block him. Yes it is unpleasant but I don't think 2 messages is the stage for contacting the police.

If it escalates and leads to harassment and threats of course report but I think the police will advise blocking and ignore initially.

Men are more scared of men than they are of women.

Generally men are bigger and scary.

It’s no harm to let the little bollox think he’s being monitored.

Yes, I know it’s sexist and all that but it’s just one suggestion of many and there’s really no need to start niggling at people who are only trying to help.