To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

1. Log absolutely everything. All the missed calls, texts etc.
2. If he is still at home, speak to his parents.
3. If still at school, report there
4. Yes, speak to local police. Now.

Report it via the non-emergency police website. I did this once (for a menacing call at work) and they came round pretty quickly.

Harassment is criminal activity.

OP, he has shown who he is and what he is like. Thank goodness your daughter has ended things before things got worse.

Please don’t underestimate how this might escalate when he returns. I would absolutely report it to the police to create a paper trail and to be able to enforce action if needs be. Harassment can only be prosecuted if shown to be a continuing course of conduct. So log what has happened with them now, and then you can push for action to be taken if he continues to do this. It might seem extreme but it is really, really, important.

It is vital you keep evidence. You need screenshots of his messages (do this quickly in case he tries to delete them.) Take screen shots of the call log too as these don’t stay on the handset forever and the police are often reluctant to get the info from telecoms companies if they consider the harassment to be “low level”. It’s unacceptable and frustrating, but sometimes you have to be your own evidence gatherer.

This does not mean your daughter pursues things for criminal proceedings right now, but if things continue or even escalate then she will be in a far better position having logged it with the police at this early stage.

Go to tge police station with your daughter. Nip it in the bud. Take photos of conversations.

Because twats like that who are happy to scare women are completely different with men. It's not difficult to figure out

I would normally say parents should stay out of their children's relationships, but this is different. As he brought you into it, I think it is reasonable that you/ your daughter now bring his parents into it. Just a factual account of the number and nature of all the phone calls, messages. Tell them if their son doesn't stop immediately, you will be reporting the harassment to the police. And follow through.
Are they at school/ college? If so, then alert the safeguarding lead there too.

Sadly this type of thing can be quite common i remember my dad being repeatedly called and tild all sors of disgudting sexurla lies about me by a dusgruntled boy i had a short relationship with in my teens. I would nip it in the bud and inform police, then let him know you have done that and block his numbers.

This!!
We've had to do the same recently with a family member and had a call back from the domestic abuse team. They said to log everything to build up a case against him if we needed to.

That is total BS. Stop removing female agency.

It is truly a sad reflection of the times we live in. A few years ago, I received a very nasty message from my daughter's abusive ex-boyfriend. I blocked him on all platforms and chose to ignore him. Instead, I focused on helping my daughter recover from that awful experience. She is now with a lovely chap, and her ex is referred to as "The Weasel"—a term a bit unfair to actual weasels, but it suits him perfectly!

What the hell are you on about? I know this is the case because I've been in the situation before and believe me having a man there completely changed how the twat acted. It's not about removing female agency. It's knowing that abusive twats aren't so big and hard when another man is there

I'd put down a firm, clear marker now as a minimum that his is unacceptable. "Dear Little Shit <insert actual name>, your messages are unacceptable, both to me and to DD. Your repeated phone calls last night were unwanted and unwelcome. Neither of us wishes to have contact from you, and I want to make it clear to you that this must stop."

She needs to "do not disturb" his calls and messages so they stop bothering her. It's better than outright blocking as he's likely to escalate to using a bunch of different numbers if he thinks she's blocked him.

That is really horrible OP, I hope your dd is ok. Don't think twice about reporting it to the police, that is not ok for your dd or you to go through. I bet he wouldn't have messaged you if you weren't a lone parent.

If it doesn't stop, don't mess about, put a print out / screenshot of the messages, call log etc, including the above one from you, and report for harassment. You might find there's a dedicated reporting option for domestic abuse - check your police's website. Nobody should be subject to his, make it very clear to him that this isn't OK.

I know it’s awful but there is a positive from this- he’s manipulative and controlling and your daughter has seen the worst of him and is disgusted. That’s good. So many men like this play the long game and reel it in just enough to have a woman get back with them, and then their behaviour slowly escalates.

So your solution to male violence is preemptive male violence?

People are so entitled.

She's had a lucky escape.

If he keeps it up report him for harassment. Malicious communication is a crime.

100%
His behaviour is not normal. You and your daughter need to be vigilant for any escalation.
I would report this just to get it on record.
Your dd should make sure she isn’t alone where he might be a nuisance.

Your own story aside , that’s just not true and is a huge generalization. Introducing a man could actually up the ante and exacerbate behaviors.

Yes of course it is true that men who do this kind of behaviour only do it to women. It does not matter about "agency".

Report this man, who is a massive coward. Men like this prefer a weaker target,

Your daughter has had a lucky escape.

I would make sure to keep evidence of everything first and foremost

Next I would be going round to the parents and telling them exactly what's happening.

I would then tell them it will be reported and kept on record for the police and if he contacts either of you again it will be escalated.

Not ok

if you think that men don’t behave this way towards other men, you are seriously mistaken. I spent several years in Probation and it’s rife.

Report to the police to get a marker down against him, you never know how he may escalate it.