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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

605 replies

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:12

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 01/02/2025 22:22

BigSilly · 01/02/2025 19:56

Unless he has threatened you, why would you go yo the police. Its not illegal to blame you and voice these thoughts.

Did you manage to miss the fact that 3 women a week in the UK are killed by men, usually their “intimate partner”? This behaviour is deeply concerning and not to be brushed off.

BigSilly · 02/02/2025 00:36

TriesNotToBeCynical · 01/02/2025 21:44

If you "voice thoughts" at people who don't want to talk to you, and do it in an aggressive way, it very rapidly becomes illegal.

Show quote history

I dispute that it is illegal or harassment at this stage. It is only 2 messages, with no threats ( as far as we have been aware, and which the op can easily block if she wishes. Telling people what they don't want to hear, is not unlawful, even if you do it twice.

Gherkinslice · 02/02/2025 06:59

Tontostitis · 30/01/2025 06:35

I would forward that to the police. They may not do anything but they might. 1 message can be ignored but 2 counts as harassment. Even if they just have a chat with him it might stop him doing worse to the next family he encounters. He has serious issues and it should be flagged. Reread what you write it's a bit scary Yes it is scary and don't ignore that gut instinct. 2 women a week die at the hands of men in this country every week and most of them know the men.

This! Please report him to police now. Not saying he will, but in light of some awful things which have happened on news recently and he's thinking of continuing and or stepping his hate up in any way, you must try to protect yourselves and this is the only way. Sending love to you both in what is a horrible and frightening situation. He is of course an 18/19 year old MAN in the eyes of the law, not a boy, so he should be treated as such. Good luck x

Audiprettier · 02/02/2025 06:59

I would report this to the police as suggested. Not only for all the reasons given but also to have it on record when/how this all started. You never know how it will progress (or maybe it won't - fingers crossed), but be on the safe-side: a papertrail would be essential if this does get any worse. Plus it will show him you mean business. What a nasty piece of work! An incident/crime number needs to be recorded for both of you for any future contact! I'm sorry you've both had to experience this! Take care. x

FlappingMadly · 02/02/2025 08:03

Sorry you and your daughter have experienced this. Don't waste time on threats or no win dialogue. Take all this to.police including his previous behaviour. Take it seriously.

Vettrianofan · 02/02/2025 08:12

She can put a block on his mobile number so he doesn't contact her again.

DS had a GF that used to stalk his friends on social media pages and would say stuff like these friends are not any good for you. She would also stalk his school social media pages too. She lives on a different continent so we won't see her in the physical sense but he spent time with her over Christmas in her country then ended it when he got home beginning of the new year. She had alienated him from all his friends. Very unhealthy.

Hopefully your DD can put this behind her. Please report harassment to your social media platform. He will get the message eventually.

Vettrianofan · 02/02/2025 08:14

Putting a block on the number would stop any dialogue so it doesn't escalate to the point of getting police involved but if you feel threatened enough then do both.

SALaw · 02/02/2025 08:21

I don't think he does think it's ok or acceptable. I think he doesn't care if it is or not and is deliberately trying to cause hurt and anxiety.

LunchtimeNaps · 02/02/2025 09:04

Have you actually reported this to the police or not?

Pippyls67 · 02/02/2025 11:01

Massive red flag. That young man has possibly dangerous anger or mental health issues. I think you need to handle this carefully. It’s probably not a bad idea to get some advice from the police.

Merida46 · 02/02/2025 11:01

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:33

No male relative, single parent household.

It's really nasty, he was being really horrible tp her last night, he phoned her 25 times over the space of about 10 mins. She text him to stop and said she wasn't going to pick up, that's when he started messaging me.

She didn't dump him via text, but said to him they needed to talk about their relationship at the weekend. And then he went unhinged.

The calls were on top of the texts telling her to ' be a man and just fucking do it'

I'm so angry at him and horrified that he could speak to her like this. Then for him to start on me!

She said she couldn't meet him in person now as he doesn't feel safe.

I read all the time about male aggression towards women, but I am shocked by this.

A friend of my daughter has just had to put up with this sort of behaviour. You and your daughter need to inform the police.

Pippyls67 · 02/02/2025 11:14

Katesyd · 30/01/2025 06:30

Why does she need a man to sort it out??

Because the little sod has absolutely no respect for women isn’t that patently bloody obvious!!! Why would she waste her time shouting at a deaf dog. Get a bigger dog to square up to it instead. Basic law of survival in situations like this. Time to get real.

PassingStranger · 02/02/2025 14:54

LunchtimeNaps · 02/02/2025 09:04

Have you actually reported this to the police or not?

No updates.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 02/02/2025 14:58

I updated yesterday, there isn't anything more to add.

OP posts:
Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 02/02/2025 15:00

123dontcomeatme · 02/02/2025 14:58

I updated yesterday, there isn't anything more to add.

Hopefully the little bugger has run out of steam and accepted its over.

RecklessGoddess · 02/02/2025 15:30

"My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him."

You literally said he is your daughter's ex-boyfriend! I am glad you don't feel threatened by him, but I was just worried because I have seen how aggressive some guys get after being dumped, and from what you said in your original post, he sounded very much like that. Hopefully he will leave you both alone now, best wishes to you both 🌸🌸

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 04:12

I need help.
Over the last few days my daughter has disclosure many incidents that would be considered cohesive control.

Last night she disclosure sexual abuse.she said she had blocked it out and all of a sudden it came back. She had been staying at his and woke up to find him on top of her. She's a very deep sleeper. She said she was going nuts telling him to stop and he just stayed there. He's a big guy so she was pinned down. Eventually he got off her, said that she's his girlfriend, he can do what he wants. He rolled over abd went to sleep while she laid there crying the rest of the night. The next morning he just kept saying she had been awake.

She can't remember when it happened.

Can we report such a vauge memory? Do I contact his parents?

Apparently he was acussed of inappropriately touching a girl , when he was in year 9 at school but his family dismissed it.

I'm heartbroken and angry. My daughter keeps crying .

OP posts:
Whattodo202023 · 03/02/2025 04:22

I think you need to go to the police about all of this. They may be able to do something about it, they may not. Either way it is logged. There is a pattern of behaviour in him and so the chances are if left unchecked he will go on to do it again to someone else.

Luddite26 · 03/02/2025 04:29

The police are the ones to go to about all of it.
Also I don't know whether the police would be able to put forward a counsellor for your DD. Or whether someone like women's aid could.💐

Nchanged89 · 03/02/2025 06:14

Why would you go to his parents?
You go to the police is your first thought surely?

modernshmodern · 03/02/2025 06:21

I would go to the police about all of it the harassment and the rape.

Newbie1011 · 03/02/2025 06:22

You absolutely must go to the police. Report it all - the coercive control, the sexual assault (it sounds to me like rape), and bring digital evidence of the harassment. Write down a timeline of the relationship before you go, including the breakup and what’s happened since, pin down as many dates as you can, some you’ll have evidence for (like the messages) and others you won’t, this is normal. If you don’t have a date for the rape/ sexual assault try to pin it down to ‘between x and y’ dates. Again you won’t be the first to report on this way where a rape or assault has occurred in the context of a relationship.
Even if nothing happens as a result, having this all logged will help in a number of ways. First it will help them to escalate a response and react appropriately if anything further happens when he returns. Second, it will protect other women and girls from him as this will be on his record. Third, it will show DD how seriously you - and society - take what has happened to her and it will (hopefully) teach her how unacceptable it is and that she should never accept this sort of behaviour from a future partner.
Please, please report.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your daughter OP.

Jumpers4goalposts · 03/02/2025 06:44

OP I’m sorry about what happened to your daughter. Now she has spoken about it further information might come back relating to when it happened etc.,

Literally every person has told you to contact the police, and this is what you should do, whether they can take the rape forward or night they will be able to tell you but it is about protecting her now and in the future as well as protecting any future girls who he may prey on.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 03/02/2025 07:21

I hope you both get the professional help and advice required to get through this.
He's far from the heartbroken wee boy hurting at his first break up