Page 13 | To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

123dontcomeatme · 2025-01-30T06:12:12+00:00

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy. My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship. After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him. Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary. Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults. My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do. I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time. I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

Brefugee · 30/01/2025 16:21

Yep - über-pedantic. It is a turn of phrase. People need to get over themselves

CuriousNeuron · 30/01/2025 16:26

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 30/01/2025 06:30

I would report this to police now. This is how stalkers begin.

I agree.
Unfortunately and worryingly there is a tranch of young men and teenage boys who feel entitled to say and do whatever they like if they feel they’ve been embarrassed, disrespected or disempowered, and behind social media they think there’s no consequences. There’s some horrific ‘role models’ they look to that tell them this.
I too would report his behaviour.

denhaag · 30/01/2025 16:31

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 16:19

It's so inappropriate right now to be such a pedant.

"log it with the police", is the same thing as "report it to the police" FFS.

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I am absolutely NOT being a pedant.
During my abusive marriage I was advised by MN to 'log it with the police'.

So I called them - just to tell them about something that had happened, in case things escalated. Next thing I know they're at the door because they have to investigate every suspected DV situation. I was terrified and it put me in a scary position.

They did say they were hot on it because the county I live in had such a poor record of DV support, but I still think people believe they can just call the police to let them know about things.

So there is no need to be mean and swear.

denhaag · 30/01/2025 16:32

Brefugee · 30/01/2025 16:21

Yep - über-pedantic. It is a turn of phrase. People need to get over themselves

People are often saying "just log it with the police" thinking it's just a way to start an audit trail and no more. This is not the case.

Justleaveitblankthen · 30/01/2025 16:43

Katesyd · 30/01/2025 06:30

Why does she need a man to sort it out??

Unfortunately this type of little shit male is a mysogynistic bully and almost certainly wouldn't have done the same if her parent was male, or if she had big burly brothers.
Sad but true.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/01/2025 16:53

You are right to be extremely shocked by this behaviour. I hope that you and DD get any support you need to keep this person out of your lives from ow on.
Returning to the title of your thread, I'm not sure that the young man's age is particularly relevant. Being young doesn't necessarily go with treating other people well.

SerafinasGoose · 30/01/2025 17:00

CuriousNeuron · 30/01/2025 16:26

I agree.
Unfortunately and worryingly there is a tranch of young men and teenage boys who feel entitled to say and do whatever they like if they feel they’ve been embarrassed, disrespected or disempowered, and behind social media they think there’s no consequences. There’s some horrific ‘role models’ they look to that tell them this.
I too would report his behaviour.

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Not just young ones, either.

The word 'disrespected' is one that particularly flashes up on my radar as a red flag. There tends to be a certain type of man who uses it.

Penguinmouse · 30/01/2025 17:01

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 15:43

Sorry for the slow response, I have been at work.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I actually shared this thread with dd, it really cemented that neither of us were over reacting and how unhinged and dangerous it is.

I am going to log it. He's been blocked from both of our phones in all the ways he could contact.

Dd is going to speak to her work so that security are aware when she's next in.

Someone came forward, another female, from his work to tell dd that she would no longer be speaking to him. It seems he launched a humiliating and bullying stream of intimate gossip about this girl and her boyfriend at work. People were horrified and let the poor girl know. She contacted him, asked him to stop and he refused. Her boyfriend then had to leave his work and ended up challenging him in the Isles at his work. He never told dd about this and she wonders given the behaviour how many other things are there, it's all quite worrying.

The only good thing is she is so disgusted that any feelings have gone and she doesn't feel upset.

I will be with her tomorrow and Saturday. Should he turn up or try to contact in any way, I'll call the police.

I'm not going to be contacting his parents.

You’ve done everything right.

mumda · 30/01/2025 17:15

@123dontcomeatme intimate gossip =ring the police.

PlantDoctor · 30/01/2025 17:20

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 15:43

Sorry for the slow response, I have been at work.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I actually shared this thread with dd, it really cemented that neither of us were over reacting and how unhinged and dangerous it is.

I am going to log it. He's been blocked from both of our phones in all the ways he could contact.

Dd is going to speak to her work so that security are aware when she's next in.

Someone came forward, another female, from his work to tell dd that she would no longer be speaking to him. It seems he launched a humiliating and bullying stream of intimate gossip about this girl and her boyfriend at work. People were horrified and let the poor girl know. She contacted him, asked him to stop and he refused. Her boyfriend then had to leave his work and ended up challenging him in the Isles at his work. He never told dd about this and she wonders given the behaviour how many other things are there, it's all quite worrying.

The only good thing is she is so disgusted that any feelings have gone and she doesn't feel upset.

I will be with her tomorrow and Saturday. Should he turn up or try to contact in any way, I'll call the police.

I'm not going to be contacting his parents.

I'm really glad to hear you're reporting this as this seems like massive red flag behaviour. You see cases where someone doesn't take a relationship ending well and escalates their behaviour, and it can turn lethal. Please be vigilant x

OneWaryCat · 30/01/2025 17:28

Out of interest, why would you not contact his parents? If this was my son, I'd want to know. He needs to learn how to manage his emotions before he hurts himself or others. He definitely needs a 'reality check' that this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Sounds a bit like he is living in his own world where he feels his actions towards women are justified.

RudbekiasAreSun · 30/01/2025 17:30

lobsterkiller · 30/01/2025 06:38

Police, the little shit needs the fear of God up him. Just make sure you're both safe.

Well done go your daughter for not putting up with this.

The fear of God and the fear or strong older male figure also, I would say. Thanks God for my chauvinist dad

L0bstersLass · 30/01/2025 17:34

OneWaryCat · 30/01/2025 17:28

Out of interest, why would you not contact his parents? If this was my son, I'd want to know. He needs to learn how to manage his emotions before he hurts himself or others. He definitely needs a 'reality check' that this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Sounds a bit like he is living in his own world where he feels his actions towards women are justified.

Edited

Because he's a man not a child and he's responsible for his actions.
It's not OP's responsiblity to teach him this. The Police will teach him.

OneWaryCat · 30/01/2025 17:40

L0bstersLass · 30/01/2025 17:34

Because he's a man not a child and he's responsible for his actions.
It's not OP's responsiblity to teach him this. The Police will teach him.

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Of course he is responsible for his actions. But he might still live with his parents at age 18, and we all know teenage boys are vastly immature, despite legally being an adult.

I'm thinking of something practical she could do, because, like others, I don't think the police will take this seriously at this level.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 30/01/2025 17:51

Be very careful OP - hopefully nothing more happens but he knows where you live. Maybe a ring doorbell would be a good idea. I met someone once over 10 years ago and he stalked me on social media, sent me hundreds of messages and found my address and turned up at my house. I had to move and delete all social media. He's still trying to find me.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 30/01/2025 18:10

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:33

No male relative, single parent household.

It's really nasty, he was being really horrible tp her last night, he phoned her 25 times over the space of about 10 mins. She text him to stop and said she wasn't going to pick up, that's when he started messaging me.

She didn't dump him via text, but said to him they needed to talk about their relationship at the weekend. And then he went unhinged.

The calls were on top of the texts telling her to ' be a man and just fucking do it'

I'm so angry at him and horrified that he could speak to her like this. Then for him to start on me!

She said she couldn't meet him in person now as he doesn't feel safe.

I read all the time about male aggression towards women, but I am shocked by this.

Police all the way.
Too many young girls have been subject to violence getting rid of teen boyfriend's.

JandamiHash · 30/01/2025 18:18

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 15:43

Sorry for the slow response, I have been at work.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I actually shared this thread with dd, it really cemented that neither of us were over reacting and how unhinged and dangerous it is.

I am going to log it. He's been blocked from both of our phones in all the ways he could contact.

Dd is going to speak to her work so that security are aware when she's next in.

Someone came forward, another female, from his work to tell dd that she would no longer be speaking to him. It seems he launched a humiliating and bullying stream of intimate gossip about this girl and her boyfriend at work. People were horrified and let the poor girl know. She contacted him, asked him to stop and he refused. Her boyfriend then had to leave his work and ended up challenging him in the Isles at his work. He never told dd about this and she wonders given the behaviour how many other things are there, it's all quite worrying.

The only good thing is she is so disgusted that any feelings have gone and she doesn't feel upset.

I will be with her tomorrow and Saturday. Should he turn up or try to contact in any way, I'll call the police.

I'm not going to be contacting his parents.

Well done OP. I’ll say it again - you’re a brilliant mum!!

MoodEnhancer · 30/01/2025 20:15

denhaag · 30/01/2025 16:32

People are often saying "just log it with the police" thinking it's just a way to start an audit trail and no more. This is not the case.

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To be fair, I don’t think people think you can log things with the police just to start an audit trail. But the reality of the police’s terrible approach to domestic abuse is that they so rarely prosecute, especially first reports, that it is effectively just “logging” it. And of course when reporting you are entitled to say you don’t yet support a prosecution. I think that’s what people mean when they use that terminology.

Reporting now, which will in effect simply log the matter, will then assist a future prosecution if the boy’s behaviour continues and a prosecution is required. So it’s worth doing.

PassingStranger · 30/01/2025 20:39

PlantDoctor · 30/01/2025 17:20

I'm really glad to hear you're reporting this as this seems like massive red flag behaviour. You see cases where someone doesn't take a relationship ending well and escalates their behaviour, and it can turn lethal. Please be vigilant x

Show quote history

Yes they will even go into workplaces, when they have a restraining order, they don't care. Horrible people. Their lives would be much easier if they were nice

PassingStranger · 30/01/2025 20:50

Literallynoonecares · 30/01/2025 11:42

I really feel for you. I had similar happen with my eldest DD and her first boyfriend when she was 18. They had been together over a year and it was clear he was very much in love with her. She loved him too but was never quite sure if he was 'the one'. He was close to our family, we all liked him and he always came across as such a lovely respectful guy who loved our daughter and took care of her.

However, after that first year together he started to show signs of control and started texting and messaging more than normal when they were not together (i.e him at work and her at college) He was starting to get more intense and he started making accusations that she was flirting with other guys when she wasn't. She had male friends that she hung about with that she had always had, way before she met her BF. After a while of this she started to feel smothered and decided that she wanted to end the relationship.

This is where the 'nice guy' that we thought we knew started to turn bitter and nasty. His messages became unkind and threatening and abusive. She blocked him from everywhere, phone, social media etc, and we thought that was it. He then found me on Facebook and started sending me messages telling me that my daughter was a bitch and I did a bad job bringing her up. I was gob smacked. I couldn't believe he was talking to me that way. The sheer disrespect. However, I am the kind of person who just told him to 'fuck right off and grow up' and told him if he ever messaged her, or me, again I would call the police on his ass.

We were lucky and we didn't hear from him for a week or two but it put us both on our guard. Wondering if he was going to turn up at the house, or turn up outside her college to see her. Fortunately he didn't. But after a couple of weeks he then got his sister to message both of us to say that he was sorry for the way he had reacted but that he was angry and he loved her and didn't know how to handle the breakup of the relationship. Neither of us replied to our messages through the sister and promptly blocked her too.

I would just be on your guard with him. He seems angry and unpredictable. If you need to get the police involved then don't hesitate to.

It was his fault they broke up.in the first place though because he kept messaging her and making accusations.

You can win with these sorts of people.

Cherry8809 · 30/01/2025 21:28

OneBadKitty · 30/01/2025 07:10

I think it's ridiculous to call the police because a teenager who is feeling hurt sent you a message on instagram and tried to call his girlfriend who dumped him. This is not dangerous behaviour, it's the behaviour of a young man who is feeling rejected, hurt and experiencing the loss of a relationship for the first time.

Just block him and don't respond. Unless he's threatening to harm you then calling the police is an over-reaction and MN often advise this for minor things which in reality are not going to get any action from the police. He'll get over it and move on no doubt.

Honestly this.

It’s likely his first real break up, he’s had it sprung on him while he’s out of the country that they “need to talk” and he’s probably feeling discarded and frantic.

I struggle to understand the people saying “that’s very scary/so disturbing/call the police NOW”. Unnecessarily over the top.

Penguinmouse · 30/01/2025 21:31

Cherry8809 · 30/01/2025 21:28

Honestly this.

It’s likely his first real break up, he’s had it sprung on him while he’s out of the country that they “need to talk” and he’s probably feeling discarded and frantic.

I struggle to understand the people saying “that’s very scary/so disturbing/call the police NOW”. Unnecessarily over the top.

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Unfortunately, you don’t have to look very far to find cases of ex-boyfriends who have murdered their former partners after a break-up. It might seem trivial but better to overreact than brush it off.

Elsvieta · 30/01/2025 22:07

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:33

No male relative, single parent household.

It's really nasty, he was being really horrible tp her last night, he phoned her 25 times over the space of about 10 mins. She text him to stop and said she wasn't going to pick up, that's when he started messaging me.

She didn't dump him via text, but said to him they needed to talk about their relationship at the weekend. And then he went unhinged.

The calls were on top of the texts telling her to ' be a man and just fucking do it'

I'm so angry at him and horrified that he could speak to her like this. Then for him to start on me!

She said she couldn't meet him in person now as he doesn't feel safe.

I read all the time about male aggression towards women, but I am shocked by this.

"Just fucking do" what?!

Hopefully you've both blocked him by now, but if anything else happens (e.g. him showing up in person), tell him you have the screenshots and if he comes near again you'll call the police.

Just support your daughter and give her the right messages (that she was right to end it, that you shouldn't put up with crappy behaviour from men etc), which you clearly already are, and she'll be OK in time. Sadly men like this are quite common, and it's probably best to learn to spot the red flags while you're still young.

SerafinasGoose · 30/01/2025 22:23

Penguinmouse · 30/01/2025 21:31

Unfortunately, you don’t have to look very far to find cases of ex-boyfriends who have murdered their former partners after a break-up. It might seem trivial but better to overreact than brush it off.

Show quote history

Yes. Overlook it and 'be nice' - 'or let him down gently' - was the advice I received, no doubt as part of my necessary female socialisation, and to my eternal regret, acted upon.

It ended with 18 months' relentless stalking - before this was even deemed a criminal offence and at a time when police never took it remotely seriously. Only when things escalated into an attempt on my life did they actually listen, by which point I was nearly ready for the funny farm and suffered a breakdown. I was eighteen.

To the poster you were responding to: do not minimise this. If you err on the side of the caution, let that be toward protecting women rather than enabling men who think themselves entitled to take whatever, and whomever, they like.

upfnolikey · 30/01/2025 22:49

To those trying to minimise the behaviour of the ex boyfriend, do you never watch the news? There is an epidemic of violence against women and girls.

It's two years to the day nearly where a teenage girl local to me was murdered by her teenage ex boyfriend who couldn't accept she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him anymore. He stalked her and then stabbed her to death on her way home from school.

Then the other POS who violently murdered his ex girlfriend and her mother and sister all because he couldn't accept their relationship was over.

OP I'm sorry to have mentioned the cases above and don't want to frighten anyone, but you just don't know how these people are going to react so better be safe than sorry.

You absolutely are doing the right thing by reporting it to the police. Please keep a note of any contact and keep reporting any further instances of his behaviour. I would genuinely suggest your daughter changes her routine and methods of travel and so on for a period of time, once he is back from his holiday.

I hope your daughter is okay.