To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

What does Facebook account hacked mean, how does she know what to do?
Yes people are worse than ever now.
People don't do themselves any favours, they are controlling and nasty, so they get dumped, then they can't handle it and get nasty.
How can anyone win, just be nice.

Avoid relationships also if you know your a nasty bit of work.
It's not happiness

The crossbow one. If he'd been nicer to her she wouldn't have ended it.
Disgusting that they all lost their lives.
He is now in prison and in a wheelchair was it worth it.

Agree with this. And it’s not even about if he moves on or not, what about the effect this has had on the OP’s daughter? For him it’s acting out in a moment of hurt. For her, this is the first experience she’ll have of a man showing frightening behaviour when told no. She will carry this with her for the rest of her life. In her next relationship she could well be wary, and may carry it on longer than necessary because she’s worried about the reaction for ending it. She’ll always know that worry of how a man reacted to her setting a boundary.

The op is right to stand up for her daughter and show men like this face consequences, and he needs to know those consequences so the OP’s daughter’s experience isn’t another young woman’s experience in waiting.

This is such a good point

Behaviour like this is so common and the consequence of children never being told no and always told they are, having their every whim being pandered to and never learning right from wrong.

What an horrible little snot rag he sounds. And they say women are the crazy ones!

My first boyfriend stalked me at the age of 18 after I dumped him, the police got involved but this was back when it wasn’t taken that seriously. Young relationships are SO intense and no more so than when a male gets the boot.

Just support your DD and make sure she ain’t guilted into getting back with him or meeting up with him out of pity

I voted YABU, not because his behaviour is acceptable but because you are "astounded" by it. It's really not uncommon for jilted partners to lose their senses for a while. It's the "five stages of grief" thing, and one of them is ANGER. Yes he shouldn't have done it and yes you should speak to the police, but sadly this sort of behaviour is pretty tame in comparison to what happens when other couples break up.

A bit of practical advice: change your locks. Even if you don't think he has a key, don't take the chance.

I’m so glad you’re supporting your DD so well OP. What a good mum you are! When I went through this my mum felt sorry for my stalker and would chat to him when he would bang on our door, rather than telling him to piss off or calling the police’s 20+ years later and I’m still angry with her about it.

I'm not sure I agree this is the cause. You don't hear about women / girls behaving in this way do you? Just men and boys.

Screenshot everything and tell her she must not go anywhere to meet him. He sounds a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

“Someone” got into his FB account and posted over 20 items for sale on marketplace, all photos lifted from other places, all at the same price - eg £52 for a ski erg, £52 for a dog crate, £52 for the latest iPhone etc.
Obviously not a proper hacker, who would have simply locked him out of his account, but someone who wanted to cause nuisance by him being inundated with messages from buyers.

Hope this helps - I logged a threat once with the police. It was straight forward and easy to do. They didn’t do anything with it on that day. BUT when I had to call 999 as he was banging on my door and trying to get in via the back gate the record meant I got a police car in less than 4 minutes. Please do take it seriously

Please don't threaten the police. You must absolutely report this to the police. He is unhinged and at such a young age, he will escalate into a very dangerous man in the not too distant future.

Take all evidence to the police, this will then help other women in the future if they do Clare's Law disclosures.

I wouldn't feel as reassured as you are that you're both safe. He could easily get back from his trip early. He has serious stalker/harassment vibes going on here and women are in the most danger when the relationship ends.

IMO his behaviour is concerning, especially for someone so young. I would personally find some resources online, contact the police if you feel it necessary and have a conversation with your daughter (if you haven’t already).

Not to fear monger but it’s important to remember that 1 woman/girl is killed every 4 days in the UK by a current/former partner.

From one of the below links “The mother of a teenager killed by her ex-boyfriend fears others are likely to die if more is not done to tackle abuse and violence in young people's relationships. Holly Newton's mother Micala Trussler voiced her concerns in response to a new survey suggesting 49% of teenagers in a relationship in the last year have experienced violent or controlling behaviour from their partner.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cly610zyly1o.amp

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-63823585.amp

I have some experience with this type of behaviour.

A family member of my husband does something like this every time she leaves a relationship. Calls their Mum. Shares intimate pictures. Calls the police and fabricates a story, or reports criminal behaviour that she participated in at the time, claiming she was forced into it by them. Tells everyone she knows that she's a victim of their abuse. Does everything she can to drag family and friends into her dramas and expects them to rescue her from the chaos she's caused herself. The result is she has barely anyone left, every friend she ever had has cut her off for their own sanity.

This boyfriend will go on to attract other people who enjoy this level of drama and will continue to leave scars in the lives of everyone who has the misfortune to be close to him when he explodes.

Be glad you and your daughter are out of it, delete him on all platforms and feel sorry for his family.

We had boyfriends' home phone numbers in the past. If I was dumped I certainly didn't phone the boy's parents to have a go at them.

I would unblock him so you know if what his state of mind is if he keeps sending messages. Hopefully he will burn out in a couple of days but I would talk to the neighbourhood PCSO if you have one and ask for their advice.

The regular police might not go to talk to him but the PCSO might.

It depends on your area too. My neighbour was being harassed by someone living nearby. He would encourage his dogs to pee on his front garden, chase his cats, and would yell obscenities at their house at 5.00 a.m. Our local police did go around and talk to him and told him to stop it. We are in a high petty crime area so the police are busy here but they still went over there. The good news is that he met my neighbour in the local supermarket a couple of months later, apologized, and they shook hands on it.

Sorry for the slow response, I have been at work.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I actually shared this thread with dd, it really cemented that neither of us were over reacting and how unhinged and dangerous it is.

I am going to log it. He's been blocked from both of our phones in all the ways he could contact.

Dd is going to speak to her work so that security are aware when she's next in.

Someone came forward, another female, from his work to tell dd that she would no longer be speaking to him. It seems he launched a humiliating and bullying stream of intimate gossip about this girl and her boyfriend at work. People were horrified and let the poor girl know. She contacted him, asked him to stop and he refused. Her boyfriend then had to leave his work and ended up challenging him in the Isles at his work. He never told dd about this and she wonders given the behaviour how many other things are there, it's all quite worrying.

The only good thing is she is so disgusted that any feelings have gone and she doesn't feel upset.

I will be with her tomorrow and Saturday. Should he turn up or try to contact in any way, I'll call the police.

I'm not going to be contacting his parents.

He sounds absolutely unhinged as well as nasty and very malicious

There is no "logging with police".
You report a crime to them and they act (or not) upon it.
The police do the logging not the caller.

Call the police. Men like this need to have these things on record. I hope you can get your daughter some counselling to help her process this. The priority needs to be her forming healthy relationships in the future.

Agreed, and I've been thinking so for about the last ten years.

All very worrying indeed.

Please tell the police. Hopefully that will help any unfortunate girls this male dates in the future.
A boyfriend my sister dumped at that age became unhinged and stalked our family. The police had to speak to his dad (which sorted it). And then you think of the likes of Kyle Clifford...
The audacity and disrespect of the little shit messaging you speaks volumes. He needs a lesson.

Indeed. But in the event that this does escalate there will then be an audit trail.

This situation already meets the criteria for harassment - particularly given he has been asked to stop - and this alone merits a police report under their website guidelines. There is also a national stalking helpline available, and a good many recommendations are available online as to what action victims might take.

No. 1 is give them nothing. These men want a response - any response. If you ignore their calls or messages 100X, then pick up/reply on the 101st attempt, you've just taught them that this level of persistence is what it takes to get a reaction from you.

Document everything. Screenshot, Ring doorbell footage, voice notes, and make a note of dates and times. Store in a secure cloud.

I sincerely hope, OP, that things don't escalate to this level, but this man is showing a lot of warning signs and it's as well to be armed with the correct information, just in case.

Of course. There is a misconception that people can just call the Police and ask them to note something that's happened. They are then surprised (and often worried) when the police take it out of their hands and make a house call or whatever.

Report to the police.

It's so inappropriate right now to be such a pedant.

"log it with the police", is the same thing as "report it to the police" FFS.