Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

YANBU. You are the primary carer AND earner. He's annoyed but he hasn't said he won't do it.

There are some saying I am being unreasonable.

Is that because I changed the goal posts?

If he's not paying maintenance then he should be doing 50% of the childcare.
Up his childcare hours so he's got them 7 nights a fortnight.

The problem with relationships breaking up is that people often are unreasonable.

Often one or both sides are very very upset and people who are very upset don't behave sensibly.

It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

I agree. Which is why I felt it was important to give context.

However, despite me using the phrase childcare, childcare is what I’m struggling to find.
Him having his child after school on his days isn’t childcare. That’s him having his own child. Being a father.
Childminder, Nanny or family arrangements is childcare.

I think any change to contact arrangements that affect you both should have been discussed and agreed between both of you.

That said, I do think it's reasonable that if it's "his" day he picks his child up from school. However, if the agreed arrangement was that you would do it, you shouldn't unilaterally change that arrangement without discussion.

That was the discussion.

What you’re asking isn’t unreasonable but even if he agrees it doesn’t sound like you have found a way to make your Fridays work anyway?

It wasn't really a "discussion" though? You just told him he had to do it!

A discussion would be you both having an input and deciding together whether you could both make it work before making any changes.

Why don't you offer to pay him to do do pick up every Friday? That way he doesn't financially lose out (I see his point l), and you sort your childcare issue for every Friday too

YANBU as he's not doing his fair share, things change over time and you are doing it to progress in your career (which lm guessing you feel more pressure to do if he doesn't earn much).

He's wants everything both ways doesn't he: you earning the money and doing majority of child rearing

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Why were you picking your kid up on nights they were with dad anyway? That's his night, he should've been doing it in the first place on his night.

It's interesting that you have phrased getting half the house, he inherited, instead of maintenance in a way that makes you sound/feel generous. If he's a low earner, then it sounds like a much better deal for you than the small amount of maintenance he'd pay. He probably agreed to this for an easy life and feels you are now taking even more from him.

YANBU around the Friday afternoons, but I'd reflect a bit on whether it's what you're saying or how you are saying it that gets his back up. If you think about how he is feeling (taken for a mug in both relationship and financial sense) then you can approach it more kindly. Instead of presenting him with your solution, you should present him the problem and let him help solve it. Even if you get the same conclusion of him having the kids, he'll feel more generous instead of bullied into it by you.

Why would she pay him 🤣🤣🤣🤣. He doesn't pay his fair share anyway. Plus why start a precedent of paying him to care for his own children?! Madness

Under your current child arrangements this is your time with the children. If you need to work you have two options. One is to ask him if he wants to have the children regularly on Fridays. But this upends a whole routine for them and for him. And it doesn’t really creat quality time for them as a family. He may not think it is a good idea. It’s not a simple mid week extra night offer and you might have to reopen the whole child arrangement between you.

The other is fund childcare when you have to work.

I think you need to accept he will probably have negative feelings towards you. I wouldn’t be surprised if the thinks you are selfish given what has happened. As you cheated and then broke up the family unit he may feel powerless in your co parenting arrangement.

It would be unsurprising for someone in his situation to not want to push back against your requests. And this one is not really thought out from anyones perspective but yours and the problems are ones you created from choices to cheat, split up, move to a rural location and choice of work.

I agree with this

I agree there’s no need to pay him but surely if OP took a lump sum when they divorced that was her fair share? The fact OP had an affair and left him or he inherited etc is besides the point.

Is there a reason he doesn’t have 50:50 care of the children?

"when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance"

This isn't how it works, is it? He should be paying what CM say he can afford based on his earnings. So if he doesn't earn much, he doesn't pay much.

Isn't it what's best for the children here? The OP has said the ex has low income- so asking him to cut his hours obviously DOES matter. Plus she has said she can't find childcare- so I really can't see an alternative.

Also it sort of is relevant that she left him, and took half his inheritance. It was tough on him and he needs to get back on his feet- not knocked back further in his career

OP's not getting half the house the ex inherited - they sold the inherited house and bought the family house. Presumably OP also put some money into that property. So a 50/50 split is fair.

OP, why don't you suggest 50/50 'childcare' from now on, see how he likes them apples.

@timetobegin she's been subsidizing him for years by the sound of it. Plus he's not doing his fair share of caring for their children (sounds like he didn't in the past either). He needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. Really he should have been picking them up on his day anyway, she's been doing him a favour and she hasn't mentioned he pays her to do if

I think YABU. Not to ask, that's fine. But you are being unreasonable to just expect him to accomodate you. YOu said you didn't want maintenance and just wanted 50% of the house, and you agreed the schedule. Now suddenly you are changing the goal posts and he's right, the impact on him and his ability to work is notable - I am self employed, and being told I suddenly lose 3 or more hours a week to facilitate someone else would not go down well.

So you really need to offer something in exchange for this. For example if you can find childcare on one of the afternoons he usually has the DC, then perhaps you swap days so that he has them fridays, no matter what, and the childcare option is there for Tuesdays (or whatever it is).

You had an affair and left him, took half the house that he paid for with his inheritance and you’re wondering why he’s pissed off with you? I’d be extremely pissed off as well.