Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

I know it's normal @RareFinch I just don't believe for a second that a bloke in OP's shoes would be getting even a tenth of the level of sympathy she's receiving on here.

@Rosscameasdoody see above. I'm not saying it wouldn't happen or be accepted, but a guy wouldn't be getting any sympathy for cheating, running off with another guy and taking 200k on top.

But she accommodates him?! She drops the kids off on his day?

It's his house. However you try to dress it up as justified. And you had an affair. He's been screwed over financially by you. End of.

Nope. Read it again. He inherited a house, sold it and put the money towards the marital home they shared. That makes the house a joint marital asset. op will likely have contributed financially towards the purchase so why is she not entitled to a share, especially as she is the one expected to finance housing and feeding their children the majority of the time. Marriages break up for all kinds of reasons - an affair is traumatic for the cuckolded partner, but it doesn’t give them carte Blanche to be a shit parent.

@Childcare101sans I'm sorry, but if you were a man, you'd be getting your arse handed to you for your behaviour.

You chose the inheritance because you knew he didn't earn much - let's not pretend it was a massively altruistic decision!

How is it his house ? He inherited a property, sold it and put the money towards their marital home. Are you assuming OP had no financial input herself in the property ? Inheritance rules are clear. For it not to be treated as a joint marital asset, inheritance has to be kept completely separate from joint family finances and in the sole name of the person inheriting. In this case it was not. OP isn’t doing anything wrong.

OP just for clarity for the posters that think you've 'taken all his money'. He inherited 6-7 years ago and used that to contribute towards the marital home. He 'earns very little'. Did you have a mortgage on the marital home? Who has been paying the mortgage?

And what about other household bills, who paid them?

Ah, but don’t forget a man having an affair is a scumbag (that I agree with) but a woman having an affair was probably pushed to it, or it could have been limerance, or justifiable in any other number of ways according to MN!

Depends on whether the guy was also responsible for feeding, clothing and housing their children. Affairs happen. It’s horrible for the cheated on partner, but that’s life. And the alternative for OP would have been living a lie for the rest of her life. So are you advocating that she be punished for realising her true sexuality ? She’s taken on the responsibility of caring for their children for 90% of the time. Why should she not be entitled to a share of their marital home ?

Sorry I haven't rtft but what about your partner? Could they help out with pickup/ care until you get home?

No. It’s in both our names. I paid towards the mortgage and home.

She took half of the family home.

The thing that jumps out at me is that OP left him for another woman. And the posts excoriating OP for the affair and subsequent split seem to be ignoring this. It comes across as advocating that OP should be punished for daring to recognise her true sexuality and not being prepared to live a lie. The marriage would likely have ended anyway as that would have been unsustainable.

Yes.
Key words being “family home”

Ok so question.

If I hadn’t had an emotional affair, and we broke up because I’m gay, THEN would it be ok to have 50% of the home to make sure our children are housed?

It’s to house his children
...and you...and the woman who tou cheated with....in the house bought by his inheritance...

Sounds like you've got it very good.

The point is, you had an arrangement that you agreed. You are now facing a change that impacts on that arrangement. That's YOUR issue to manage.

Just like of you attend an evening class on the evenings he has them, it would be his responsibility to arrange alternative care for them.

Being gay does not excuse an affair. If she wanted to end the marriage because she was gay (she may be bi for all we know) that would be her choice, but she could have done that and then found herself a girlfriend. Not have an affair while still married

Op,

are you divorced or separated?
Is your financial split finalised or still under discussion?

You've presumably agreed the financial split. You've agreed the child custody arrangements.

The point is that having agreed it, that agreement stands unless both parties want to change it (or in the case of a clean break financial settlement it stands anyway even if both parties want to change it).

He doesn't want to change it.

The difficulty here is going to be getting him to make any meaningful contribution... (financial or otherwise) As is often the case on this forum. As was the case throughout your marriage by the sounds of it.

You should prioritise your children by taking more than 50% of the family home and applying for cm. (Unlikley you'll ever get any if he's self employed).

He has responsibilities. It doesnt matter that he inherited money years ago or that you had an affair.

You don't need to punish yourself or your children because he refuses to work in a job with a reliable income.

Might be because you were the one who had the affair, and it sounds like his inheritance bought the new house yet you want half of it...if you actually put your own money into the new house too, then I apologise

Firstly, YANBU, it’s sensible to pick up your child two afternoons a month. Secondly, may I ask if you checked places like childcare.co.uk or a nanny agency even? Very often people (eg students who can drive and want to earn a bit) are willing to come further afield. For now it feels like you need to assume that he won’t do pickups (however unreasonable it is), so the choices are (i) overhaul your childcare, go for something else, say a live in nanny from a nanny agency, who would be able to do 5 days and not 4 days like your current childminder, (ii) move house to a slightly more urban area where there is more support available, but it’s a less preferred option of course as schools, routine will need to be changed, (iii) the horrible option of not taking the job.

Can you take less of the house and just get maintenance from him instead. He is probably annoyed that you are getting 50% of the his inheritance.

Can you speak to the school and ask what other parents do for childcare? There must be something! Ask other mums who work how they manage?

So you have changed the goal post so you can work but expect him to give up working on a Friday to facilitate you ? And all of this without a discussion. You really do want it all your own way don't you ? You had the affair, you broke up the family unit so suck it up and don't expect the man you cheated on to bend over backwards for you.