Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

332 replies

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:27

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:19

@WhatFreshHellisThese if this was the other way round, absolutely nobody would be supporting the bloke who had an affair and now wanted his ex to lose income to help further his career.

JustMyView13 · 29/01/2025 10:22

I don’t think what you’ve asked for is fundamentally wrong, but if he will have to forgo paid work to facilitate it then I think you’ll need to agree on a 3rd party arrangement. Which will probably cost, which you can cover from your higher salary.

Yes it’s his kids too, but the prior arrangement worked for all. You want the new job (congratulations & good luck!!), but you’re going to have to find a way to make it work.

Otherwise you’ll be fighting EXH, learning a new job, and dealing with unreliable childcare on a Friday.

This strikes me as a scenario where what’s fair, and what’s reality are slightly misaligned.

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:23

ShetalkszZzzz · 29/01/2025 10:18

I shall say why I think YBU. Because you have alot of people voting for it but not saying anything to you about why. I've seen one.

You cheated, you broke up your family, broke up your relationship, were disloyal and betrayed him. Doesn't matter if it's with same or opposite sex. Betrayal is betrayal. You being the offending party, then get someone with low income who put his inheritance into a family home, then asked said low income person who will never realistically be able to afford a house or pay it off again, for half of it.... After blowing your relationship and family apart.
You've said that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance like you were being kind. No you were being very clever. Because it would have been minimal on his low income, so you made sure after betraying him, that you got your claws into a solid chunk for you. You are self pitying in you having to do childcare, where you are responsible for your own fall out. I mean now you expect him to jump around like your circus monkey to benefit you again. There is a pattern there of you being a self serving person. Why don't you ask your new partner to do it? Why expect the ex that you have already screwed over on every level to bend over backwards to benefit you again? Just because you are a woman doesn't give you a get out clause. And just because you ended up with a woman doesn't make any difference either. Your ex probably already feels like he's been taken for a massive ride by you. There's an expression of kicking a dead body for coins....

I fully agree with all of this.

RareFinch · 29/01/2025 10:23

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:19

@WhatFreshHellisThese if this was the other way round, absolutely nobody would be supporting the bloke who had an affair and now wanted his ex to lose income to help further his career.

I would if the OP wasn't financially supporting their DC and seeing so little of them. A partner having an affair doesn't give you the right be a bad parent.

FlowerUser · 29/01/2025 10:24

I can't believe MN is calling the OP unreasonable. There is literally another thread where someone is saying her DH asking her to go part time so the school pick up is easier and MN are agreeing she should.

Here MN doesn't see that a parent earning less than the main earner, and who can work flexibly, really should pick up his children two days a month. The double standard is appalling.

You're not unreasonable, OP. He should pick up his kids on his Fridays. As you say, it's not childcare, it's parenting.

maddening · 29/01/2025 10:24

So on the 2 days he had the kids for 2 hours in the week does he do school pick up? If so could the Friday not be 1 of those regular spots?

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:25

FlowerUser · 29/01/2025 10:24

I can't believe MN is calling the OP unreasonable. There is literally another thread where someone is saying her DH asking her to go part time so the school pick up is easier and MN are agreeing she should.

Here MN doesn't see that a parent earning less than the main earner, and who can work flexibly, really should pick up his children two days a month. The double standard is appalling.

You're not unreasonable, OP. He should pick up his kids on his Fridays. As you say, it's not childcare, it's parenting.

Hardly the same scenario is it? OP cheated on him and walked out with half his inheritance!

Rosscameasdoody · 29/01/2025 10:26

LadyQuackBeth · 29/01/2025 09:05

It's interesting that you have phrased getting half the house, he inherited, instead of maintenance in a way that makes you sound/feel generous. If he's a low earner, then it sounds like a much better deal for you than the small amount of maintenance he'd pay. He probably agreed to this for an easy life and feels you are now taking even more from him.

YANBU around the Friday afternoons, but I'd reflect a bit on whether it's what you're saying or how you are saying it that gets his back up. If you think about how he is feeling (taken for a mug in both relationship and financial sense) then you can approach it more kindly. Instead of presenting him with your solution, you should present him the problem and let him help solve it. Even if you get the same conclusion of him having the kids, he'll feel more generous instead of bullied into it by you.

I didn’t read it as him inheriting the marital home - he inherited a house, sold it and used the proceeds towards the marital home. Some clarification as to OP’s contribution towards their home would be helpful, but if the inheritance was used to facilitate something which would be treated as a marital asset then OP is entitled to her share.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/01/2025 10:28

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:25

Hardly the same scenario is it? OP cheated on him and walked out with half his inheritance!

Show quote history

No, she walked out with half their marital home - which would have been treated as a marital asset in divorce proceedings. He inherited a house, sold it and used the proceeds towards their marital home. That makes the marital home a joint marital asset. And it’s irrelevant to the situation. These are his children and he only sees them for a couple of hours a week after work, and every other weekend, while OP has to juggle work and child care as she’s responsible for feeding them and keeping a roof over their heads.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 10:28

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:19

@WhatFreshHellisThese if this was the other way round, absolutely nobody would be supporting the bloke who had an affair and now wanted his ex to lose income to help further his career.

No one is condoning the affair. But the affair doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay his way or care for the children. Her income is paying for THEIR children, it's certainly not his. His work sounds very sporadic so he probably isn't losing money most weeks anyway, he's digging his heels in

YourHappyJadeEagle · 29/01/2025 10:28

Your ex sounds like the lazy dad type. Life doesn’t stay static and you have to cater for life changes in 5 people — yourself, 3 kids and partner. If your ex can’t cope with a minor change like this how on earth would he cope with something major like illness, disability. He needs to focus on this one tiny problem solving activity which involves HIS child.

RareFinch · 29/01/2025 10:28

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:25

Hardly the same scenario is it? OP cheated on him and walked out with half his inheritance!

Show quote history

That's what happens when you divorce. If you don't want to share inheritance with a spouse, don't legally tie yourself to them financially. Did you miss that OP has paid for all childcare for the DC for 18 years?

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:28

if the inheritance was used to facilitate something which would be treated as a marital asset then OP is entitled to her share.

I'd bet good money that nobody would be saying that if it was OP's inheritance that he'd walker off with!

SapphOhNo · 29/01/2025 10:29

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:38

Yes I can see how people would think this.

However, in theory, I am entitled to potentially more than 50% of the house and child maintenance. I have seen a solicitor about this.

So in theory, it does still work more in his favour.

Show quote history

But you accepted this, you can't now rationalise changing the goal posts (in your words) by saying you could have asked for more.

Incredibly unreasonable OP.

Livinghappy · 29/01/2025 10:30

You cannot make a uni-lateral decision without having a discussion and getting agreement, which you didn't do

100% this. How much notice have you given him? No one should expect another adult to adjust their working hours because they now have a better job. You both need to find a solution, is there a chance thr children can move schools so that childcare is possible?

If your ex is a very low earner can he afford to drop his hours?

mrsm43s · 29/01/2025 10:30

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 09:56

She's been doing him a favour picking up.his son on his day. She can withdraw that favour without discussion and agreement from him.

Show quote history

It's not "his day". The current agreed arrangement is that his time starts when the child is dropped off after work (so lets assume 6pm for ease).

So if she now wants to change the arrangement so that his time starts from 3pm, instead of the agreed and usual 6pm, then she needs to have his agreement to the change.

The time between school end and the current drop off time is OP's time, because that is what the agreement has always been and how it has historically worked. She has them every other Friday completely and the alternate Fridays until 6pm.

She's not "doing him a favour" by looking after her own kids during the time that they mutually agreed she'd be responsible for them.

OP and her exH both work on Fridays afterschool. Since this is OP's time (as per previous agreement) it is up to her to sort out the childcare. Fine to ask if her ex can/wants to cover it, not fine to expect or demand.

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:30

@RareFinch nope, didn't miss it at all.

I just think there are massive double standards. If a guy had paid for childcare and then walked off with his wife's inheritance, nobody would be defending him.

They'd be saying that's what you do in a marriage and that he's a wanker for cheating and walking off with your money!

ShetalkszZzzz · 29/01/2025 10:32

FlowerUser · 29/01/2025 10:24

I can't believe MN is calling the OP unreasonable. There is literally another thread where someone is saying her DH asking her to go part time so the school pick up is easier and MN are agreeing she should.

Here MN doesn't see that a parent earning less than the main earner, and who can work flexibly, really should pick up his children two days a month. The double standard is appalling.

You're not unreasonable, OP. He should pick up his kids on his Fridays. As you say, it's not childcare, it's parenting.

If she wants to take the promotion and is not the available to do the Friday pick ups. She can't actually force him into a change where he has to finish work early. As she is the one wanting the change, she will need to ensure that she has looked at arrangements for how this will happen. This is the reality of being a parent. You can't always do exactly what you want. She will have to do what others mums to, ask work to work shorter hours that day, to work later on different days or work from home to catch up for a few hours. Her ex is their parent, but it's not his duty to serve her. She's the one who decided to blow their family apart. Actions have consequences!

Rosscameasdoody · 29/01/2025 10:33

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:28

if the inheritance was used to facilitate something which would be treated as a marital asset then OP is entitled to her share.

I'd bet good money that nobody would be saying that if it was OP's inheritance that he'd walker off with!

Yep, they would. There were a couple of threads recently saying just that. Inheritance has to be kept separate and in the recipients’s sole name. If it’s mixed with joint finances and used for anything that’s considered a marital asset then it’s up for grabs. OP said the house was sold and ‘we’ bought the marital home, so likely that she had financial input into it as well.

RareFinch · 29/01/2025 10:33

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:30

@RareFinch nope, didn't miss it at all.

I just think there are massive double standards. If a guy had paid for childcare and then walked off with his wife's inheritance, nobody would be defending him.

They'd be saying that's what you do in a marriage and that he's a wanker for cheating and walking off with your money!

Splitting assets in a divorce is just what happens, it is a normal part of life. I don't believe many here would support a woman in not properly caring for their DC. I've never seen anyone say 'he had an affair so leave the kids for him to care for'.

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 10:33

maddening · 29/01/2025 10:24

So on the 2 days he had the kids for 2 hours in the week does he do school pick up? If so could the Friday not be 1 of those regular spots?

No he does not do the school pick up on the two afternoons he has them. I pay for a childminder, he collects from there.

The CM doesn’t work Fridays.

OP posts:
NotAnotherBirthday · 29/01/2025 10:35

I think, regardless of what other people would have chosen to do, we have to accept that the OP agreed to 50% of the house in exchange for child maintenance. In doing so, her ex has to be seen as paying his fair share of child costs - because the OP accepted the house share in lieu of CM. Whether any of us think that is a good deal or not isn't relevant, it's the deal that was done.

So, starting form that position, there appears to be an established child schedule that the OP now wants to change. I think anytime either parent wants to change the schedule, they are essentially re-entering a mini negotiation and often asking the other parent to make changes that do not especially suit them. In this case, the change is not that great and obviously the low volume of time he currently spends with the children is an influencing factor. So it doesn't seem that big an ask.

But also, if the OP has been paying childcare costs for 18 years then how old are the children? How much longer might they need a childminder etc for?

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 10:36

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:30

@RareFinch nope, didn't miss it at all.

I just think there are massive double standards. If a guy had paid for childcare and then walked off with his wife's inheritance, nobody would be defending him.

They'd be saying that's what you do in a marriage and that he's a wanker for cheating and walking off with your money!

I’m not “walking off with his money”.

We are selling the marital home and splitting it so I can house our children who live with me 90% of the time.

OP posts:
kirinm · 29/01/2025 10:36

Octavia64 · 29/01/2025 08:46

The problem with relationships breaking up is that people often are unreasonable.

Often one or both sides are very very upset and people who are very upset don't behave sensibly.

It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

Rely on an ex? You mean expect a parent of his own children to care for them? You've set a very low bar for parents, there!

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 10:37

NotAnotherBirthday · 29/01/2025 10:35

I think, regardless of what other people would have chosen to do, we have to accept that the OP agreed to 50% of the house in exchange for child maintenance. In doing so, her ex has to be seen as paying his fair share of child costs - because the OP accepted the house share in lieu of CM. Whether any of us think that is a good deal or not isn't relevant, it's the deal that was done.

So, starting form that position, there appears to be an established child schedule that the OP now wants to change. I think anytime either parent wants to change the schedule, they are essentially re-entering a mini negotiation and often asking the other parent to make changes that do not especially suit them. In this case, the change is not that great and obviously the low volume of time he currently spends with the children is an influencing factor. So it doesn't seem that big an ask.

But also, if the OP has been paying childcare costs for 18 years then how old are the children? How much longer might they need a childminder etc for?

Oldest is nearly 19, youngest is 6

OP posts: