Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

I agree. It’s good that you want to work more/earn more money. It’s generally what is expected on here when children get older.

You are paying for facilitating his time with the children, most dads time would start at the end of the school day.

You are going to have to sort your Fridays so it means you will be sorting it out for him also. Is he always really working so late on a Friday? Most people tend to finish earlier that day. Or is it just laziness on his part?

Id ask at school, other parents, Facebook groups. Everywhere.

He should be collecting from school on his weekend with the children anyway. My ex is the same, on his weekend I have to pick our child up from school and wait around until 5/6/7 when his dad has finished work, there’s no set time and it’s whenever HE is ready and our child gets dropped to his home so he has it nice and does nothing. It should be up to them on their weekend to sort out the childcare if they can’t make school pick up or do the pick up themselves. Especially with only every other weekend, we have to find childcare throughout the week whilst they don’t -‘ twice a month is the minimum they can do

Should, should, should. Posters need to realize that 'should' doesn't mean a thing. OP can't force him to do anything because he 'should'. If he felt he 'should' he'd already be doing it! Even with a court order you can't normally force a parent to see their children. How often do we read about dads with court ordered access walking away or blowing their time off because they have better plans?

I'm not saying OP shouldn't have a CAO. In this case if a CAO said that his access time began at end of the school day, then the school would be calling him to pick up the DC if no one was there at home time, not OP. And he would be responsible for sorting and paying for afterschool care. If she were wise, she'd try to have it stipulated that 'his' time began at the beginning of the school day, that way he'd be the one taking off if DC was ill.

But as for now, the 'unwritten' agreement was that OP picks up the child after school and 'his time' begins when work ends. She's not 'picking him up and watching him' for his father. He's entitled to keep to that schedule if he wants to, especially as changing it would affect his work. After all, what if he suddenly called OP and said "I'm no longer having DC on Saturdays of my weekend because I've decided to work (or play golf) on that day". There would be a hue and cry on here saying "But that's not the agreement, he can't change it like that!".

Ahhhh but they could have benefited from being left their family home by both their parents if you hadn't cheated and walked out on him. They will benefit from the home that he leaves them on his death too. You aren't the saviour here, you are self serving. You don't get to demand he changes the agreed hours to suit you and then have a tantrum when he doesn't. Your days of snapping fingers and demanding things from him are done, you aren't together anymore.

A 'tantrum' because she asked her childrens neglectful father to pick them up from school once a fortnight?!

He is low income. He is self employed. She has a court agreement of when he is able to have his children. She was also very clever in getting half a house that his inheritance paid for that is not included in marital assets. She then cheated on him and left. Then got half the house rather than maintenance because she knows he is low income and self employed and the maintenance would be low. She has decided she wants a new job that changes the time she is available to look after the children. That's fine, but it is then her responsibility to make arrangements to cover that. If he can't take over part of her court agreement to benefit her then tough cookies. She can ask but she cannot demand. He can't afford to lose out on more income to benefit her every time she expects it. If he can't he can't. Except she already knew that which is why the agreement was the way it was already. I'm saying this as a mother that had a court agreement with the ex and first child. Her wanting him to doesn't mean 1. He can or 2. He has to. She should have thought all of this through before blowing her family apart and then expecting him to be a yes man after she screwed him over. In a court of law I can tell you that the judge would see it the same. They have a previous agreement and she can't just demand that he gives up work to do it. The onus is on her to find a suitable replacement. She has said that her new partner is going to cover her own Fridays so I suggest she asks her to do the same for his or gets her grown up children on board or ask maybe his parents etc whether they can help. But he is not legally required to lose salary because she wants to change the agreement.

I think you need to reread the thread. The inheritance is a marital asset. He chose to be self employed and earn very little during than marriage rather than find another job and relied on his ex to support him. The inheritance was pretty much his sole contribution towards finances. She hasn't been 'very clever' she has been guilted into likely receiving less than she is legally entitled. There is no court order in place, she was guilted into doing school runs. As someone who has professional experience in family court you are wrong, the onus isn't on her to sort childcare that day if he wants that evening. Yes, as PPs have said, he could be a complete dead beat and choose to totally abandon his children, but if he tells family court he wants that evening they would tell him to sort childcare himself, like OP does every other day.