Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

If the current custody arrangement is that he has the children from say 6pm every other Friday, then that shouldn't be changed without his agreement. If OP wants to change that to from 3pm every other Friday, then her ex has to agree to that. It's not reasonable for her to just say "this is happening now because it suits me, suck it up".

It does seem that everything has to be on OPs terms and centred around OPs wants with complete disregard for her ex. Yes, she has the kids more, but presumably because she wants to.

All in all, she's treated him really, really badly, so it's not surprising that he's pushing back. I'm not sure how accommodating I'd feel to someone who cheated on me, took half my inheritance and then expected me to chop and change my working hours to accommodate their new job.

No not at all, why would you think that I had?
Did you read my original post?

Better for me?

Im housing his three children. All of which will benefit from the home upon my death.

Pay him?

Is this genuine?

Pay a father to look after his children?

Very much so.

I begged him to get a job which allowed for holiday pay, regular income and sick pay.

He refused.

If this was a man changing the status quo re. childcare, he'd be told it's problem to solve, and that he shouldn't be expecting his ex-wife to solve his problem for him.

You're the one getting a new job so you're the one who needs to sort childcare.

Yes, I did read it.

Your whole premis is that it should happen because you want it to happen.

Your final sentence "Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?"

You admit you are unilaterally changing the goal posts, with or without his agreement.

It's not a discussion when the only outcome is that you get your own way.

It's not her problem though. It's his day

@Childcare101sans let me guess it's a little hobby job that doesn't generate much money? More of an indulgence than a job or career?

If I was him, I'd be getting court orders in place to stop you taking more and stop you changing hours willy nilly on your whims.

You blew the relationship up, now you're punishing him, whilst taking as much as you possibly can of something someone else earned.

Get a child arrangement order in place.
No changes without both consenting, communicated through solicitors and courts.

Not really. If the current custody arrangement is that he has the children from 6pm on a Friday, it's her time up til 6pm, so she needs to find childcare cover. The children are surely the responsibility of the parent who's home they woke up in, until the agreed hand over time.

Not a hobby job, it’s a genuine job.
But one that gets rained off a lot, or stalled if materials aren’t in etc.

Its unreliable and rarely does a full week of work.

He refused to get a more reliable job because he wouldn’t get as much satisfaction from it.
I told him at the time the satisfaction would be being able to pay for things and actually survive.

Why aren't you doing 50:50 childcare? Your choice or his?

He wouldn’t do that in a million years.

Any childcare he has ever done has been viewed as doing me a favour since the kids were born.

He never said it out loud but it was certainly and strongly implied.

I have voted you are not being unreasonable as fundamentally it is not unreasonable for you to ask. However, I do agree with these comments. You had an arrangement - a relationship, you broke it. You then had an arrangement re childcare. Now you want to change it and it clearly will again impact on him. What did you offer in return? It's doesn't sound like a negotiation it sounds like a question and unfortunately you have your answer

If 50% of house sale is in lieu of child maintenance then he is paying his way as agreed. And current arrangement is he picks up after work on Fri. Not Fri after school is his day.

Yanbu to ask him to make changes but if his employer says no what do you expect him to do? You have already checked paid childcare options.

Yes I can see how people would think this.

However, in theory, I am entitled to potentially more than 50% of the house and child maintenance. I have seen a solicitor about this.

So in theory, it does still work more in his favour.

(He’s self employed, his employer can’t say no)

”my DH had an affair and ultimately left me for the OW. They’re now living together. They moved to a rural location He has now contacted me out of the blue to say that he’s got another job and that from now on I will need to pick up the kids on his weekends. I am self employed, so to do that means that I will be losing out on work and money. There was no prior discussion, he’s presented it to me as a done deal.”

How would that one go down I wonder. I think we all know.

the only reason why you’re getting any sympathy here is because you’re a woman.

It’s one thing to say that he needs to pick the kids up on his own weekends, although that would also need some discussion as you’d previously agreed to do it, but your weekends are your weekends. Your children at that point are your responsibility, and if you can’t find someone to pick them up then you’ll have to find a different job. Such is the choices you’ve made.

Without knowing how much his inheritance was as a percentage of the house it's hard to tell if the maintenance arrangement is fair or not really. But the fact is you agreed to it, and agreed to the childcare arrangements as they are.

Agree. OP probably gained 10s of thousands from him from the house. It's hardly a fair compromise, he wouldn't be paying that much maintenance anyway if he's a low earner so OP has got a very good deal out of this. I'd support that if she was the one who got cheated on and left but it was the other way round.

Add to that "I don't want to look after the kids more than every other weekend or pay any maintenance for them" and a mother would be absolutely torn to shreds.

This 100%

Does he do school pick up when he has them weekday evenings? Can he swap one of those evenings so it’s always Friday? Then you have childcare sorted on Fridays and he doesn’t lose more work.

Op after destroying your family unit you have no right to be asking this of him. I can't believe that you actually feel quite entitled after that.