Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

If it’s just Fridays, can you not negotiate with your new role’s manager(s) to leave early on Fridays and make up the time by working a little later on the days your DH has them after school?

Explain that there are no Friday afterschool clubs and it’s a short/medium term childcare issue until DS is at secondary school.

Or could your new partner help?

If he doesn't want to do it voluntarily then l would go to court and get access arrangements ironed out there. Plus go for CMS and stop paying for childcare on his days. It's only one pick up a week he's asked to?!

@HipToTheHopDontStop quite, that's the thing with favours. It's only if they suit and very shortly it won't do.

Incidentally, I hope this all happened some years ago and you didn’t move your children out of their family and in with another woman straightaway?

given the house is still on the market I think this seems like the equivalent of man leaves for another woman and introduces him straight to her children..

Just because it’s another woman, don’t be so sure that your children haven’t been affected by this and having to accept that their mother now lives with a woman instead of a man.

The whole thing sounds like a complete shitshow. But as long as you and the OW are happy eh?

I agree with this poster. You cannot make a uni-lateral decision without having a discussion and getting agreement, which you didn't do.

@WhatFreshHellisThese of course it's her problem as she's the one who currently does pick up.

If she wants to change things because of her job, she needs to sort out childcare, and if he's unable or unwilling to do it, she'll have to pay someone.

I'd say he has provided you with plenty with the £200k. He should be providing regular child maintenance, yes, but you're not in any position to play the hard done by one in this situation. I think you've behaved terribly and it's no wonder that this man is hurt and not chopping and changing to make your life easier.

Oh please 🙄

Hardly a shit show?

All I am asking for is 2 Friday afternoons a month.

The house has been on the market for a very long time, unfortunately houses don’t sell very quickly around here, I’ve now learned.

As mentioned above - long term partner. Clue is in the words.
It has been years and we are very secure.

Unlike how it was with my ex.

As you're now in a LT relationship, I would have thought she'd be interested and willing to help you move forward with your career? When someone starts a live-in relationship with another who already has children, surely there is an expectation that your domestic life will be impacted somewhat.

Why can't your new dp help out if you all live in the same house?

Provided me plenty?

It’s to house his children.

And this is how I am going to juggle my two Fridays…

So you got 50% of a house that he inherited. It was his. No wonder he isn't pleased after being shafted.

What is the age of the child? Are they old enough to walk home and stay there for an hour?

Stop being generous.
Go for the maximum you can get from the house.
You have carried this loser for years.

@Childcare101sans you seem to have got quite a good deal with the property and so on. It might be that he thinks you’re a bit disrespectful to want to change the agreement - after all how does he benefit? If he would be out of pocket could you offer a small amount to cover his loss of time? Or just pay someone else to do Friday? I can see why he is put out - you agreed no maintenance and you get the property - if collecting will cost him then he will see that as you taking money/changing things to your benefit. I can see both sides.

Could you change/flex your hours at all/work a couple of hours later at home one evening to cover the early finish?

I think it's more he's making it her problem. Don't forget he does no pick ups or drop offs, she does them all

OP is way nicer than me, as l do 50/50 on pick ups and drop offs with my husband. She's not even with her husband anymore and he won't even do 1 a week!

This. I totally agree I imagine your earnings and the extra you have contributed over the years has by far outstripped the 200k. Childcare costs alone over the past 18 years will be in tens and tens of thousands.

It would also be useful for your older children to learn to drive - for their own sakes mostly, and in case of emergencies with your child care.

You need to do more lateral thinking and come up with a solution. Can your partner pick him up?
Can he go home to a friend's place and you pay that Mum?
Is there an after school club or hobby that would suit ?

@Childcare101sans could you give a rough timeline to aid clarity? At the moment people seem to think you and your husband split on the Monday, agreed the childcare arrangements on the Tuesday and on the Thursday you wanted to change them. Later posts give the impression this probably happened over a longer time period

I shall say why I think YBU. Because you have alot of people voting for it but not saying anything to you about why. I've seen one.

You cheated, you broke up your family, broke up your relationship, were disloyal and betrayed him. Doesn't matter if it's with same or opposite sex. Betrayal is betrayal. You being the offending party, then get someone with low income who put his inheritance into a family home, then asked said low income person who will never realistically be able to afford a house or pay it off again, for half of it.... After blowing your relationship and family apart.
You've said that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance like you were being kind. No you were being very clever. Because it would have been minimal on his low income, so you made sure after betraying him, that you got your claws into a solid chunk for you. You are self pitying in you having to do childcare, where you are responsible for your own fall out. I mean now you expect him to jump around like your circus monkey to benefit you again. There is a pattern there of you being a self serving person. Why don't you ask your new partner to do it? Why expect the ex that you have already screwed over on every level to bend over backwards to benefit you again? Just because you are a woman doesn't give you a get out clause. And just because you ended up with a woman doesn't make any difference either. Your ex probably already feels like he's been taken for a massive ride by you. There's an expression of kicking a dead body for coins....

I don’t understand how you got to doing pick up on Fridays in the first place. He should have picked that up from you for starters once you split. My bet is that he probably wouldn’t bother if you didn’t do that for him.

He can always arrange his own childcare for 2 hours a month if he would rather be in work for those hours. YANBU. My ex was like this whenever I needed to move stuff around. But be could change jobs on a whim and I was just meant to suck it up.