DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

How do you think school hours would work with your role?

I don't have any issue with part time. I have stayed at 26 hours and my kids are now primary. I'd happily remain this way forever.

I have maintained the level I'm happy working at but it has impacted my promotion opportunities. For me this isn't a bad thing. I'm as high as I can go still doing the parts of the job I actually enjoy. Beyond that it becomes all meetings and administration and I'd hate it. I am still in enough that I could move up in the future. Something worth considering.

I'd also flag that finishing early is often problematic. Again depends on your role but I find a whole day off better mentally and practically.

It can be a struggle to leave, people forget and ask you to start things you have to rush to finish, you feel like you run about a lot stressed about making school on time and then you just have the sorting tea out, school admin etc.

A whole day off is much nicer but appreciate may be harder once you need wrap around.

Absolutely encourage your husband to go for his promotion and if he’s successful, request a cleaner even if it’s twice a month doing a deeper clean so you’re not spent doing the cleaning on your days off. Having some time to yourself is an amazing gift and will mean you can be more present for your family and the hours you do work. With your support at home hopefully he can earn more.

It’s great idea for him to top up pension contributions too.

You can’t live on “what ifs”, you just safe guard as much as is feasible while making the present as comfortable and peaceful for everyone as possible, which it sounds like you are doing.

Honestly, sounds like a no brainer to me. Put your request in today and hopefully you’ll all be much happier very soon ☺️

We used to pay one of the nursery workers to take one of our kids home and stay for an hour - check with your nursery if they allow that.

I would definitely go part time in your position. I think your life will just be so much easier & there would be less rushing around. Also when DC are at primary school there are just so many events to attend & I loved that I was always able to be there because my job was part time & flexible. Obviously your pension & disposable income will suffer but personally I think it’s worth it. I know lots of people on here will disagree but honestly I see so many parents rushing around & being so stressed when both working full time that if you have the option to go part time I wouldn’t hesitate. It sounds like you’re in a fortunate position financially & would be able to manage.

Dh has no option to compress hours in his role. However to the person who said if I do drop offs he can logically start earlier. So he could log on at 8am not 9am.

So he only needs to log on at 8.15 to make up the 45m later? Then he needs to do this, and you make decisions about your career separate from his wish to stay logged on til 6.

I start work at 7.30 so I can pick up at 4, my husband drops off at 8 and starts work by 9. We both work a few hours in evenings outside of this. I always make sure I ping a message to someone early on or later to "show face", but he doesn't need you to pick up slack he could easily take himself here.

It’s not as simple as that. You haven’t factored in the reduction in tax, pension and NI contributions plus the increase in child benefit

I dropped to part time, paid extra into my pension and work shorter days, very civilised for working around school runs etc.

You say if you do drop offs. So who is doing drop offs at nursery now? Because if your husband is having to do both drop offs and pick ups then I can see why that is building issues.

I think him starting earlier and you doing nursery drop offs is a good short term solution. But I do think you should rethink your job, if only because it makes you emotional and then your family are suffering as a result of this. It's not OK to take whatever negative emotions your job gives you out on your family.

Good to hear you wouldn't go parttime without your husband topping up your pension.

If you want to work part time, you can afford to and it's better for your family to boot, why would you not?!

It blows my mind how people are willing to make their "here and now" worse, in order to pay more into a pension. Particularly if they have other stability, eg) some pension, own a home, have a rich spouse etc. You could literally be dead before you're supposed to receive it! And are not getting the most out of your "best" years.

Presumably as you are working part-time, so keeping your foot in the door, you could step your hours up if you needed to?

I just read posts above re being protected by maintenance after divorce . What optimists people are. Never give up your job. I repeat NEVER give up your job! (Unless you have a sizeable private income)
All the women from my class who did so have ended up in financial distress in retirement - abandoned by husbands, (never seen again or emigrated), husbands ill/died, husband's business bankrupt, husband chose a higher pension by omitting to put wife on annuity (so common), husband redundant in 50s (also common) etc. Husbands could have made provision in some of these circumstances but somehow none did.

To all the people saying absolutely not.
I think it is so sad that we, in the name of feminism and equality, put our kids last.

Yes many families have no choice but to only see their kids for an hour or two a day. ANd mind you that hour is basically spent saying: " Up you get Lucy. Put your shoes on Lucy. Finish your breakfast Lucy. COME ON lucy, we'll be late for school. Eat your dinner, in the bath, into bed." It is rushing rushing rushing.

Kid struggle with this. They really do. And weekends are genrwally filled with errands that mum and dad did not get to in the week so it is also busy. And mum and dad is tired when they get home, so aren't their best selves. It is a sad exixtance.
OP, if you think you are tired after a long day, do you know how tired your children are. Nursery is not stress free? Children are grabbing your toys, pushing in front of you on the slide. You have to behave in a socially acceptable way fro the whole day. That is hard at 2.
Parents forget that nursery is stressfull and draining. And that children in most cases have longer 'work days" than their parents. They get picked up after moms work has ended and left before she starts.

Again, I KNOW many people do not have a choice, but how little mepathy do we have with our kids if we are able to make their life easier and then not do it, because of the so called blooming patriarchy?

Based on your latest update I'd
a) look for another job
b) work on the basis that both of you split the working week so you share pick ups and drop offs. It is very limiting to always be the person who has to leave dead on time or can never be in the office before 9.30am.
c) start planning for school. This is not an issue that gets easier even in secondary school there's an expectation someone is home at a vaguely sensible time making dinner.

Right now, since evening pick ups seem to be the pain point, can you negotiate any flexibility on this with your employer? That you must do 2-3 pick ups a week but can start earlier?
Your husband presumably goes in early if he is leaving sharp at 5.15 but I completely appreciate the impression that this gives. Management often don't notice when you arrive but they will also spot the staff who leave before them. So varying this amongst you may lessen the load, and also give you an OUT if you are having a stressful day. Gotta go, can't leave the kids on the street.
Lots of suggestions of nannies with a combined income of £100k is completely unaffordable. BUT, would any of the nursery staff be interested in some after hours work a few evenings a week. Just getting the kids home, feeding them a quick tea and running a bath would mean either of you could be home by 6.30-7 and be at work that bit longer.

I honestly think dropping to part-time is the best in this situation. It's really so difficult raising kids at that young age if you've both got full-on careers/commutes and it sounds like it makes more sense for you to drop some hours. My husband earns a lot more than me so this is how we do it, I still have a career and career progression, it's just a bit slower. But I love the little bit of extra time I get with my kids, especially the day I have with my pre-schooler.

Don't assume you'll have loads of extra time for housework and that this area gets easier - it's still a bugger keeping the house clean, doing laundry and cooking, although my husband still does his share - you need to keep an eye on this because it's easy to end up taking over this role and then he will become de-skilled at the laundry or "forget" the dishwasher needs unloading etc. etc...

Remember in the event of divorce pensions can be taken into account and you would get access to a portion of his anyway. Although it sounds like you are the one with the "good" pension, so depending on the details and type of pension it may be worth topping this up - I've been alternating between career breaks/part-time since our kids were born and my husband does this because psychologically it makes me feel safer and it feels fairer.

As I said it's a no brainer for me, good luck whatever you decide - always remember you're lucky to be in this position, many families have no choice but for both mum and dad to work full time to make ends meet.

Could you both ask for flexible working so you do long/short days to enable the pickups better.

It's so hard, because the obvious solution feels like you should go part time.
But the fear of future break ups is there too.
I went part time when I went back to work and will adjust my hours to fit around school as well when the time comes.
My husband also earns double what I do, so it makes sense for us financially as a family.
I will never be able to earn what my husband does because we're in different industries, have different qualifications and have different enjoyment of our work.
That's a reality regardless of if we were together or not.
I think its a good idea to keep your pension topped up from family money.

Its not about feminism and equality, it's about protecting yourself.

Stay full time
This is your life pension etc
Pay for additional help

Yeah I don't think that's true, but if it were, protecting yourself against some unknown disaster in the future and sacrificing your kids?

Marriage is protecting yourself. Of you're married, you get 50%, working or not.

Having a child with a 'partner', that's not protecting yourself,

Pensions are hugely important. As is work.

I am in my fifties. I have several groups of friends. You can’t tell whose adult kids went to nursery or not. All doing fine, with the predictable ups and downs of life.

But there is a big different with the mums. Those who kept working full-time and those who sacrificed their careers by giving up or working part-time. There is much regret and resentment. Esp by one friend getting divorced and another part-time mum whose husband’s city career has thrived whilst hers has floundered, and she is hit by regret and anger now.

Anyway, from the experience of me and some friends, the kids seemed to need us around much more doing the teen years than as babies! Something to think about perhaps..

I hope my kids retain their financial independence and don’t rely on a partner to fund them when they have children. Ofc it will be their choice, but they are already aware of the pitfalls.

I've got a couple of lines from a song rattling around in my head "take care of these days, they may not last"

In the big picture your kids are only small for a short time, don't let those days disappear in a bundle of stress. And little quality time with them.
Yes make sure your protected in event of divorce, but marriage gives you a degree of protection anyway.
But nobody lies on their death bed wishing they'd got another promotion, or spent more time at work.

Retirement isn't a guarantee for any of us, we all hope to live to 90, but I woke to the message of a 50 something passing away with cancer today. Another just before Christmas.

You didn't have kids to have them raised by nurseries or hobbling together afterschool care.

'Take care of these days, they may not last'

I made this switch and I don’t regret it. Dc has SN and it’s just easier for the entire family if there is a parent with more availability. I was actually the slightly higher earner at the time, but we were both well paid and mine was the only job that readily offered flexibility. We still pay the maximum allowed into my pension every year. There are some career frustrations, but nothing significant. I’m also in a rare unicorn job that would let me switch to full-time easily.

Thinking of pensions.
Realistically most of us will be late 60s before retirement.
If your lucky you'll have decent health to late 70s

That's 10 years if your lucky.
Why are those 10year more important than now?
Also by then you can downsize and give some money to you kids.

Would the cost of two full time nursery places cover the costs of a day nanny so things aren't so rushed?

Exactly this. You never get these years back with your children. Anything could happen to us at any time and both working full time when it's clearly burning you both out with young children for pension security is quite a gamble. Of course pensions are very important but if OP's DH will pay into hers then going part time is the obvious solution. Better work life balance for everyone - when kids start school there are so many events parents are invited to and whilst they aren't compulsory, seeing some of the kids' little faces when their parent hasn't come is very sad. I say that with no judgement against anyone who has to work full time or chooses to because it works for their family but going part time after my first was the best thing I did for our family.

Exactly this. You never get these years back with your children. Anything could happen to us at any time and both working full time

So why don't they both go part-time? Why is it usually the woman?