DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I go back to

1. your not happy with your job
2. your regulary stressed out and work is now affecting your personal life
3. your not happy that you aren't spending much time with your children

Chnage your job! Why are you staying in a job you don't enjoy. Why work fulltime in a job you don't enjoy isn't it worth sacrificed some work time to spend time with your children who make your life happier?

So what does a happy life look like for you? Is it less hours more time with kids and your pension and career progression not take a hit well something has to be a compromise. It might be your job meaning career progression takes a bit longer. It doesn't have to be your pension if OH pays into it.

Or a better job thatvyou enjoy, you have more flexibility...

Why r you wasting all that time on a job you don't like and stresses you out.

Because 90% of the time it's the woman who wants to. It's disingenuous to pretend it's all the fault of the patriarchy. If you look at surveys of mothers and fathers, mothers (particularly of young children) show a strong preference for part-time work and fathers don't.

I'm sure that there are other important factors (the woman in a partnership tends to be younger than man and therefore earns less; women are primed to take time out of employment due to maternity leave), but a lot is due to preference.

Honestly it sounds like you don’t love your job, financially it’s manageable and you will never have your children being young again….i’d go part time in a heartbeat with a plan to increase hours again in the future.

Because not every job will let you go part-time. In some industries it's just not a thing. If you ever need to change jobs it's easier to find full-time work than part-time once you go over a certain level.

I knew one couple who both did part-time for a bit. They are now both back full-time

Because 90% of the time it's the woman who wants to. It's disingenuous to pretend it's all the fault of the patriarchy. If you look at surveys of mothers and fathers, mothers (particularly of young children) show a strong preference for part-time work and fathers don't.

I'm sure that there are other important factors (the woman in a partnership tends to be younger than man and therefore earns less; women are primed to take time out of employment due to maternity leave), but a lot is due to preference.

Can you share this data? How much of this 'preference' is due to societal expectations and pressures?

is that so shocking to you that mothers quite like to spend time with their children?

is that so shocking to you that mothers quite like to spend time with their children?

Did I say they didn't?
Do you think dad's don't like spending time with their children?

Why are you doing everything? Isn't your time valuable too?

Your husband needs to do more domestic stuff. You both work full time. You are both working hard. Salary doesn't come into it.

Don't lose your pension!

Well it depends how the money is going to be managed, doesn’t it? If all money is shared, go for it and top up your pension where you can.

The OP says they split the housework equally.

I don't disagree that many women want to give up or go part time however I do believe that they are under an inordinate amount of pressure to do so. Many men simply won't step up and they know they will be pretty much 'doing it all'. I think often there's a shift during maternity leave and men take advantage.

I personally think it's a good idea for one parent to go part time if they are happy to do it. I have two primary age children and work school hours. Prior to having children we discussed this and I wanted to be part time and was able to do this without moving jobs. My husband also works away in his current job meaning he earns a lot of flexi time which he takes over the holidays.

Most families of parents who work out of the home have one parent part time or a grandparent doing loads of childcare at my school. Working school hours is the best thing I ever did- being able to pick up, take them to activities and spend those hours with the children.

See "Provider or father? British men’s work hours and work hour preferences after the birth of a child"

The data on women is from the ONS I think but it might take a bit of Googling.

Obviously it's impossible to say how much of this preference is innate vs social expectation but it's socially acceptable for women with children to work full-time now, so the social pressure will be less over time. It seems biologically plausible that mothers want to spend time more time with their children than fathers do.

Time with your children is precious and goes so fast...go part time but get husband to top up your pension until you're able to go back to full time. Life will be easier all round and the whole family will be less stressed.

It seems biologically plausible that mothers want to spend time more time with their children than fathers do.

Does it?

If you look at how many fathers choose not to see or see little of their kids after divorce compared to how much access mothers have to their DC that would show you that mothers tend to care more about spending time with their DC than fathers do in general.

If you look at how many fathers choose not to see or see little of their kids after divorce compared to how much access mothers have to their DC that would show you that mothers tend to care more about spending time with their DC than fathers do in general.

How much do you think that is due to biology compared to societal expectations around the roles of men and women in relation to childcare?

I think there will be a societal aspect. As it is socially acceptable for men to abandon DC. But most of us will encounter men that are fully capable of going to court but too lazy to go to, and most of us don't encounter women like that so I think it is mostly biological.

OP I went down to three days and now I spread my hours over school hours. Its perfect. I’m married so have a claim on DH’s pension if we divorce. I actually feel very fortunate to be able to spend the time I do with my children and use such little wrap around care. For me, it’s the perfect balance. There’s positives for your family in being less stressed and more available to them.

Er yes. Look at the universality of mothers spending more time caring for children than fathers across human cultures. Also look at chimpanzees. Can you think of any plausible reason why the desire to care for children would naturally be completely equal?

Er yes. Look at the universality of mothers spending more time caring for children than fathers across human cultures. Also look at chimpanzees. Can you think of any plausible reason why the desire to care for children would naturally be completely equal?

It's nowhere near as simple as you are making it out to be. Much of the biological response is due to levels of oxytocin. The level of oxytocin in men increases the more they interact with their baby. So if a dad is fully involved from the outset then they are more likely to have a biological response just like women do.
There are differences of course, but you can't unilaterally state that women are biologically programmed to want to spend more time with their children than men and then use that as a reason why more women work part time.
It's far more complex!

I’m always surprised by the number of women who are desperate to work full time with very young children because almost all women I encounter with children younger than primary age work part-time. That includes women I work with who are all professionals earning 45k+. I would jump at the chance to spend more time with my kids. Why have them if you don’t see them between 8am and 6pm every day?

Did you mean to be so insulting?

You're on 100k together??

Keep your full time job.

Keep your good pension.

Use some of that joint income on help at home.

It must be a difference in social groups.

I know one SAHM, and everyone else in my life with kids has always returned to work FT after maternity leave.

It’s not income based either, most of those FT working mums I know have got partners/husbands who could comfortably support them to stay at home or reduce hours, but none of us ever do.

Different circles maybe.