DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

Agree with this. I was PT until my youngest was in year 9, though we made sure one of us was home by 5 each day as we were definitely needed!
open a SIPP and ask your DH to put some £ in there for you.
IMO children need a parent around. Long days in care are tiring and stressful for them, and stress at an early age can have a lasting impact.

He will be paying at least 40% tax and losing child benefit on that wage, whereas OP is only paying tax at 20% and her income would not affect child benefit. If her dh dropped a couple of hours two days a week it probably would not result in a huge loss of income. They need to look carefully at the finances to see what the actual difference is and consider the impact on OP pension. Probably both dropping a few hours on different days would be the optimum solution.

I think your husband is right. Just for a few years until the kids are older.

Agree the finances before doing anything. he will have to step up here.

I went part-time when the kids were small and now in my mid 40s my career is back on track (my DC are teens) and my wages reflect this.

Main but not only source of income! And he most likely does think he and his job is more important if he’s asking OP to go PT but not considering changes for himself!

@Pinkflowerpower go part time, I did and it’s the best thing I did, sometimes I still get stressed on my working days but atleast it’s only for 3 days xx

I wouldn't hesitate to go part time. I still work part-time and the kids are 10 and 12, I can taxi around to after school activities, without feeling like I'm taking liberties at work, and I get a couple of hours to myself. Also once they start school it makes child-care in the school holidays easier.

This. Don't give up your career, your pension, your independence in order to take on childcare. He can ask for flexibility at work. Between you you can afford wrap-around care. You might both consider cutting back to, say, 4 days a week. But don't sacrifice your future independence and prospects by taking the hit now.

I don't think you're unreasonable. However, I do think you really need to discuss what his expectation will be. How are the household tasks going to be split? How much will you be expected to pay into the household? How much fun money will you both have? You need to iron things out before doing it. Also, you need to accept that your pension and career will take a battering. Also, if he once mentions keeping you, paying for you ect you go back FT immediately.

When the kids are in school will there be wraparound care there? I put DD into wraparound care at school. dropped off at 8 and collected at 6 so I could still work full time. Single parent though

Would DH go part time? You would pay less in tax and it may give you the chance to increase your earnings.

I think we need to challenge the idea that the higher earner's job comes first, there is a gender pay gap (moreso when children arrive), so it will inevitably fall to women to continue to sacrifice their careers.

The salary is only 1 aspect of the decision, as well. I think men will grow and develop from giving more time to their families.

If you were to work part-time for 10 years and return to work aged 47, you would potentially have 20 years to pay into a pension. Presumably your mortgage would be paid off by this time or be significantly less and so you could afford to put extra cash into a pension. What do you think would be best for your children?

I think the simplest answer is that yes, his career progress suffers briefly because he's meeting his responsibilities to his family?

He can always gun for progress when the kids are a bit older.

There's nothing wrong with accepting that you're going to be static or slow progressing for a couple of years. That's not a crisis in and of itself that the OP needs to fix.

Maths needs to take account of tax. Neither of them will lose this much on their take home pay.

I agree. I found lower levels and lower mid far less flexible than senior levels. Every step up the ladder meant more autonomy. It wasn't less work but I could organise and manage that work to fit better with my life.

Putting all the financial eggs in one partner's basket is a mistake too many women make because when children are small and if their income is lower "it makes sense". Half of all marriages end in divorce and I've seen too many "rock solid" marriages end in middle aged divorce when its too late for the woman to rebuild her career/pension to anything like the same level. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them but none of us can be sure we will escape death or divorce.

I never went back to FT work, it suited us a family and still suits us now we're empty nesters. I feel lucky to have been able to do that.

Hi,

Thanks all for the replies.

-We have one pot for all finances.

I want to make it clear that I don’t enjoy my role and I’ve been quite emotional of late which I feel has been negatively impacting everyone and maybe promoted DH to say he thinks PT could be best.

Dh has no option to compress hours in his role. However to the person who said if I do drop offs he can logically start earlier. So he could log on at 8am not 9am.

I would only consider going PT if DH topped up my pension. That’s a non negotiable.

I do fear I may become responsible for all the chores ! So I’d need to really make it clear I wasn’t doing everything !!!

If DH left me I would have to go back to work full time . I’d have to claim maintenance and go for half his pension!!!!

DH could lose his job tomorrow or me. I don’t know what is around the corner !

DH finishes work at 6pm. He leaves at 5.15 to get to the nursery at 5.50pm.

There is scope for me to find a job where I don’t finish as late as I do and that is less emotional so maybe I need to explore this option …

Do we live to work or work to live? If you have the option, why not do that and enjoy a bit more time with your kids? You will still be working and you can take care to minimize any falling behind in your industry.

The suggestion of him topping up your pension is a fair one.

Does he actally have to leave work early, i.e. before his allotted work hours are completed, or just earlier than he would like.

Is there an opportunity here for him to put some firm boundaries in place with his employer?

For example, our finance director has young children and she won't attend an 8am meeting or stay past 5.30 as she needs to be involved with the kids. This is understood and respected. Her contracted hours are 9-5 but as with many senior roles she puts in extra hours.

If something is truly urgent, she'll log on in the evening on the kids are in bed to attend to it.
Is this an option for your husband? Could he do the pick ups every day and draw a line in the sand with his employer?
It would give him more time with the children, reduce stress for you and stop the evening feeling like so much of a rush.

Just a thought.

Based on your recent post I'd find another job and hope it's more flexible too. You are still not going to enjoy your job part time either.

Go part time, money isn't everything, Sounds horrendous for the kids, you are missing out on so much and before you know it they are all grown up.

I wouldn't - get a childminder for afterschools

Money aside it feels like you are both rushed and stressed and not enjoying family life as like you see you are on a treadmill. I would definitely drop afew hours, be able to do the pick ups and the house jobs in the daytime and actually have some family/couple time at evenings and weekends. Little ones grow up so fast it flies by!

I wouldn't. Because I kinda did (freelance) - my ex now earns 5 times what I do (and I earn well, because freelancing kept my skills up, even though it was hugely stressful) - because at every point, he refused any flexibility, in favour of having me provide it, with the promise that we'd both be able to retire early on his money, and like a mug, I believed him.

Because at the time, we were a team (albeit one where I did all the drudge work) and it seemed the sensible thing to push his career while he had the opportunities, and for me to do everything else and try to hold onto my job by my fingernails.

But after a while (and falling in with some less salubrious people at work - it being a high paid role, there were plenty of them), even that little bit of team fell away, until any little thing I asked him to help with for the kids or house, or to support my work was too much, and I ended up splitting with him. He gets to swan off with the big job and all the money ready to retire (not in pensions, in percentage of a company if sold) - so not something that I could claim part of in the split, and I'm scrabbling in my mid-40s to get some kind of pension together and still doing all the childcare etc.

Don't be me. Keep it equal now. Flexible working from him is reasonable, if you do go part time, then equivalent money to what you're losing must go in your pension - and it seems to me that might just make the whole idea sour enough that you choose differently.

I think the key is what do you want?

You could also submit a flexible working request to reduce your hours for a period time, e.g. for a year to see how you like it, and still have your fulltime hours waiting for you. You'd need a good case for this but it can be done.

I reduced my hours for a bit when my child was 2-3 years old. I earned marginally more, but I disliked my job whereas DH loved his so it made sense from that perspective. I kept my pension and investments at the same level, but DH contributed more to our household, allowing me to fund just my future and have some spending money.

Why? This isn’t inthe best interests of the child and there is another option !