DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

Because people with senior roles who don't put in the hours lose their job. Men or women.

No job = no money to pay the bills and no support with childcare = 💩💩💩

@Pinkflowerpower if you dropped a day, working 4 days over 5, you’d have shorter days - that would give you the best of both worlds

I sincerely doubt that your H job is being compromised by him leaving early, he just doesn’t want to look like he’s under the thumb or something. what if you were ill, or if he was a single parent? I was and there WAS no other choice but me to do pick ups and drop offs until DS went to childminders.

another option is to get an au pair for pick ups.

or… agree and decide both the drop offs and collections on a rota so that each person shares the load. You BOTH have kids, and it’s not fair that your employer gets a rough end of the stick just because you’ve got a vagina.

no workplace is going to be as antiquated and misogynistic as to not be family friendly these days. If you come up with a plan, and stick to it, being firm with boundaries at work saying “my turn to pick up today/this week, email me if urgent and I’ll look at it when I’m back online”

Because people with senior roles who don't put in the hours lose their job. Men or women.

People with senior roles often have far more flexibility.

but most primary schools don't have an after school club that stay open late enough for someone who can't do a 6pm pick up

most primary schools don't have holiday clubs that cover all holidays. One school holiday clubs finished at 4pm! That was not that helpful.

Parents manage, but they manage because they don't rely on clubs wraparound care, because they are not enough.

If you are married then yes absolutely. That way if you have protection via his pension if you were to split up. I have been part time for the last 10 years. I started working 3 days a week and have slowly increased my hours again as the kids have got older and more independent. I now work full time but term time so I have school hols off. I will probably return to full time once they are all at secondary school.

I'm also on the view their is more to life than work. Raising kids isn't just about making sure they are looked after 24/7 it's having time to actually sit and play with them.

8am - 6pm is a long day in nursery. You must have them up at 7 to get to nursery for 8.
Same at night how do you get them home fed and bed for 7.00 to get them 12hrs in bed ?

If you can afford to I'd drop hours. I also find school harder, breakfast club starts at 8.40 and is just toast, they stopped doing.cereal after covid, so really only supervision for the few parents who work locally

And I think nationwide there is a shortage of afterschool places. Partly driven by the staff shortages, staff need the same qualifications as nursery staff. So Afterschools are competing with nurseries for staff, nurseries can offer better hours.
And very few staff want to work just 15hr a week ( 3 till 6 × 5 days)

I also imagine it's quite difficult to get childminders who want school kids, and hour in the morning and same at night.
They need to be mindful of their ratios. It makes more sense to have a pre-school kid all day than a school kid for wrap around and holiday care.

The best solution for your career and financial security would be to outsource this i.e. sort wraparound care.

If you can't find/afford that, you could consider part-time but ONLY under the following conditions that will protect your interests:

1. You have a job where you'd be able to up your hours again in the future i.e. You won't get stuck permanently on part-time hours.
2. He tops up your pension in full so you are no worse off financially and you have full access to family money.
3. You only do this until the children are in primary, not secondary, to minimize the career damage. Once they're in primary use the small fortune you'll be saving on no longer having nursery fees to pay for wraparound care.
4. You have a clear agreement about what you'll be doing in your time off work i.e. is it just childcare or is he expecting you to do more of the housework and do you want to risk getting into that pattern?

If you have a good marriage, you pool your money and pensions then yes it's the best all around - you will not regret it. I went part time from when my first child was born until my youngest turned 10. It was absolutely needed and saved our sanity (esp mine). I've gone FT for the last 2 years and it's still a huge struggle - now we have exams, GCSEs etc needing focus and I'm feeling stretched again. DH does a huge amount at home + mental load but the kids rely on me for comfort, cuddles, emotional support even if DH already has done the same.

It will slow down your career but please don't quit. Hang in there.
If PT saves your sanity, your health and gives a better outcome for your family without hurting your pension, then totally worth doing.

"This. This would be essential if you're going to go part time. Why should your pension suffer?"

If op is public sector (which seems very likely) it's not going to be possible to pay into her employer scheme. It will also not be tax efficient for a higher earner to pay into a personal pension for a basic rate taxpayer.

Sorry one more.

1. Review your life insurance policy and consider upping it. God forbid something happens to him, you'll be far more financially vulnerable and may need a bigger payout to counter that and avoid you having to immediately up your hours, while grieving, to pay the bills.

Flexibility doesn't reduce your workload, or make the day longer. Not all companies are that flexible either.

The alternative when flexibility is allowed is to work evenings and weekends to catch up with work, and that's massively unfair too when there are other options to allow for more normal working hours (which aren't compatible with pick ups and drop off times).

Then there would be a much larger drop in income for them though

Your set up sounds v like mine. My husband earns around the same as yours. My wage is considerably less. I work part time and it’s a joy. I think it’s so beneficial for my kids.

Don't do it OP - it's not a good idea to rely on a man.

You already earn half the amount he does. Don't reduce it further.

The only thing money cant buy is time. You will never get this time again.

In your post you say your job is sometimes very stressful and apills over into personal time and you are working longer? Hence why you keep missing school pick ups at 6pm. So he is having to do it which is now affecting his job.

You both want to spend more time with your children and each other.

It might be a strong relationship now but stress and not spending time together can break a relationship. When do you both have time to future your relationship with each other and with the kids?

This is what you both need to consider, what you can both do. Both of you should look into flexi hours. Maybe you go part time temporarily for a yr or two and he pays into your pension. Maybe he can flex hours 2 days a week and u can too so you both remain full time.

You both need to go find out what your employers will allow then come back to the table and discuss it.

It all depends on what you want to prioritise. Is it time and being less stressed so you can continue to be strong for each other and have time with ur kids or is working full time, your carrefs and pension a priority which means buying in more help.

I don't advocate leaving ur job entirely but I don't think going part time is such a bad thing either esp if your husband pays into your pension and you timebox it for a few yrs.

You can always trial it to see what works. Doesn't have to be let's do x and that's it your stuck with that.

I think this is something else to consider. How the DC will manage the long days once they start school? From reception there will be reading and learning numbers. My DS is now in Yr3, he needs to read atleast 3x a week, learn weekly spellings, gets set a piece of homework each week and has to spend time of timetables rockstars. Then there are clubs and playdates to fit in. Can you manage all of that on your current schedule when you factor in tea, baths and downtime?

Flexibility doesn't reduce your workload, or make the day longer. Not all companies are that flexible either.

I appreciate that but both me and DH have very senior jobs and that has afforded us an amount of flexibility which means we can both work full time and progress our careers.
I could have easily been in the OPs position. My DH earned twice my salary when I was the OPs age. Had I have gone part time to facilitate his career then I would be doing the same job and still be earning half what DH earns.

The OP needs to decide whether she's willing to sacrifice her career so her DH can progress his.

Do you want to ? Will it impact your career when you want to return ?

Would you be happy - as long as he pays into a pension for you and that his salary is then split equally between the two of you ofcourse.

I would, because I couldn’t put two children that young in full time childcare. But that’s what’s right for me. What’s right for you?

I think part time is a no brainer if you can afford it

Once your kids are in school you will really need the flexibility

I'm a huge fan of work ! And I love my job. But raising children requires time as well

I would suggest he also drops a day though.

Pension can't be the only guiding thing that's pretty depressing. You only live once

You will be able to do a better job at work if you work part time.
And you will not suffer as much as a family.

It would pretty depressing not having adequate pension cover when needed, especially if something happens to the marriage. It might be boring but it’s important to be covered.

This could be said to her husband too ......

I'd always prioritise the work of the highest earner in a marriage. For the benefit of the household. However if you're not married, don't do that.
In your situation, one of us would be putting a formal Flexi request in to finish 1 hour early each day. Who that was would depend on who's job has the best policy.

An hour once or twice a week at a higher salary might still be less than OP going PT despite her measly 35k job. Also if he also has to top her pension up it changes the discussion.

I have to say I found things got worse when daughter went to school - nursery and preschool were the easy years

I would maybe switch to a Nanny or similar to cover the gaps