DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

That's what I was thinking, nothing to stop the Op going back full-time when kids are bigger.

She's got a pretty small age gap between the kids another option is picking up more hours once they are both in school. Doing something like 9.30-2.30 x 5 is 25 hrs, or using after school care to 6pm, and 9.30 to 5.00 30 min lunch is 7hrs x 3 or 4 days.

One thing to consider schools get lots of holidays and lots of parents moan about the cost of childcare for summer. The out of school care i use charge per the day not the hour. Although that would be balanced out by not needing wraparound care the rest of the year.
There are some budget council schemes that run in summer but they only do school hours which is great if you only work school hours.

Looks like I was shocking and cruel to my DC. How incredible that they turned out to be happy, heathy and well-adjusted adults.

Op I agree with posters that if you do drop down then make sure this is financially made up to you somehow.

But what astonishes me on these threads and I do agree re never leaving yourself financially vulnerable etc but no one seems to mention to teeny children in childcare from 8am to 6pm 5 days a week?

I find it bonkers.

We work from age 15 to 65/ 75.

Is taking a couple of years out to raise our own children that financially damaging? * caveat I know many have too and didn't plan for dc etc and are making the best of it

I was a sahm under difficult circumstances and not funded by a wealthy dh and it already feels like light years away and my dc are totally different and almost grown up.

I just find it odd how accepted putting a non verbal child into a nursery from 8am to 6pm is.
For families that monetary don't have too?

I was hoping the UK may take more inspiration from Denmark and places who put emphasis on the quality of life but it seems like we are going for the USA model.

It’s not all about pension. DS and I would have been living off one person job seekers in my mid thirties for three years before the (pitiful) child maintenance started had I not kept a good independent income. That would have included through the recent price rises

This is in no way a rare situation. There are lots of women raising children in poverty because they are persuaded to stop work and then can’t get back in.

This is a genuine question as I would like to understand better (as it's something relevant to me too).

Lots of responses on here are very anti part time.

Why?

I'm a bit shocked at this view point and the strength of feeling as I know so many people who do have young families and work part time. In fact most women I do know with young families work part time.

If OP can eventually return full time when ready, they have shared finances and could to up her pension, and it would improve quality of life for this family for this period of their lives why should she not go part time? As I said this is a genuine question

But no one is asking her to stop work, just reduce her hours? Very different to becoming a SAHP which I agree leaves yourself vulnerable. If OP dropped to 4 or even 3 days a week, there is nothing to say she couldn't increase her hours again if she wanted/needed to. Very different to leaving the workforce all together.

why should she not go part time?
Part-time often means fewer hours and less pay, but the work isn't reduced proportionally. If she goes part-time, she might end up doing all the childcare and housework,so she'll end up with more work than before.

Men tend to see it as pin money then ease off doing their share of the parenting and housework.

@MarCardarell

I wonder why women never think about this. It happens to anyone. It didn't happen to me but to a few of my female friends. None of them considered it could ever going to happen to them.
The difference between the ones who kept their full time job and the ones who were SAHMs or work a few hours was massive.

Very good advice, I am glad you went through it @JustKeepSwimmingJust

Honestly I would! why make your life so difficult if you can reduce hours and spend more time with your family - we did this and it was the best thing the house runs smoothly I wasn’t exhausted neither was my dh.

I'd go part time in a heart beat! Spending more time with the kids is so important and you can get some of the house jobs done in the daytime which will make everyones weekends more enjoyable!
Just to add, my best friend is currently going through divorce, shes had a fantastic successful career with an amazing pension and now her cocklodger exH is trying to claim a big chunk of it, so to everyone on here obsessed with pensions and the risk of getting divorced- it would all be shared out anyway in that case

Well honestly it sounds as if it would make sense if financially viable .why both work all these hrs and get someone else basically bring up your kids for you .yes I know folk will howl sexism but children need there mother not stuck with a stranger 8 - 5 days a week .

Unfortunately yes she will owe him half just as he would her .we can't have it both ways so the divorce thing never really stands in anyone's favour half each who ever earned it

I couldn't have put it better and yes some will say they got better holidays private school bla bla .that's only done to make the parents feel better maybe to alleviate a bit of guilt .or maybe they didn't want children really but felt pressured by society but unless you have say big input from grandparents who love child as much as there parents .that full time government or private care is just cruel to small children but we don't like to say it because some folk get outraged at others spelling out the truth

No, not when one earns considerably more than the other.

OP, I would (and do!) work part time. Mine is at school now and I still only work three half days a week. It’s definitely harder when they are at school.

If he’s supportive, do it.

Guilt I think.

I’ve worked pt throughout my children’s lives and I am really pleased to have done so. The time I’ve had for them and with them has been more important to me than anything else. I’ve still managed to build up a pension and savings and retrain along the way. Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing.

Do not subordinate your career to his, ever.

Presumably he agreed to produce the children. He cannot now ditch the responsibility at your expense.

Read all the tales of woe here from women who went PT and then get left high and dry should anything disrupt the marriage. They all thought it couldn't happen to them.

I think you should. Enjoy your children while they are young. Part time is enough while they are young. Money isn't everything and t's only for a few short years.

But that's worst case scenario and it's not healthy to think like that. A bit bitter really. If the worst did happen then I'm sure OP could up her hours again. No need for all the scare mongering.

I think you are getting very one sided arguments here & it's all about money. People suggesting that after being in nursery 8.30-6pm you find someone else to pick them up. That's just bonkers (in my opinion!)

I think that they are already in nursery a long time & all your time must be spent either getting them ready for nursery or having a quick tea & then bedtime.

Once they start school they will be tired, want to start clubs like footie, swimming, cubs, or go to play dates & parties.

They are only little for a short time & I loved my time with them. I went part time but have always worked.

I get that some people have to work full time but I don't think it's best for toddlers & infant school age children to be in childcare from 8-6 every day. It might suit the parents as they want to earn more or don't really enjoy entertaining a toddler. But to try to say it's best for the child is stretching it a bit. Surely children enjoy being at home sometimes.

It doesn't sound like you even love your job. So why sacrifice time with your own children?

@HouseAshamed

Looks like I was shocking and cruel to my DC. How incredible that they turned out to be happy, heathy and well-adjusted adults.

Actually the majority on this thread are saying it's best to work full time & use wrap around care in addition to nursery/school.

It’s sad that you say his salary is your main source of income. You’re on £35k, that’s more than the average salary in the UK. You are contributing hugely to the household income.

Don’t stall your own career to help DH’s.

But it wouldn't make sense for her dh to take a back seat when he's the higher earned would it? I'm sure OP can go full time again once the time is right.

Both of you drop one day per week.

It's already been explained above that his paying higher rate tax, the loss of child benefit over £60k, and the higher pension contributions the OP's employer is likely making compared to her husband's may mean that it would be roughly equal financially for him to reduce his hours, rather than her. And then they need to consider their respective promotion prospects over the coming years.