DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I was PT whilst ours were at infant school but now they are KS2 I’ve gone FT. I think it’s improved our marriage but I hate cleaning/washing so I’d rather be at work and we can afford a cleaner. I’m not ideal SAHM material! I say that having been a SAHM and with absolute respect for those who do it.

If your children are coming up to school age I’d suggest putting in a flexible working working request to go term time only rather than PT. As it’s the school holidays that are the killer.

And what opportunities do you think FT nursery (and presumably then wraparound care at school) afforded your children vs PT and time spent with a main caregiver?

You’ve said it yourself DH and I both wanted to continue with our careers that wasn’t a decision you made for the betterment of the children, but for your own careers.

Each to their own.

School wrap around care is more than supervision ( well it was at DT’s school). They did sport, crafts, instruments practice, computers, or simply curling up with a book. DT’s loved having extra time to play with their friends. Lots of complaints if I collected them early.
Working full time for our family was ideal.

Full time nursery enabled DT’s to learn English. We’re a trilingual family and we don’t speak English at home.
DT’s have benefited from what we were able to provide them with - an excellent private education, numerous after school classes, opportunities to travel extensively, fees paid for University.

I can whole heartedly recommend part time with little kids, I’ve been working part time since I went back to work after my oldest in 2018, 3 days works perfect and I have two days with my littlest one each week and also with my oldest in the holidays. I’ve climbed the salary ladder which has helped but it was a pinch at first but meant we only had to pay one day nursery back in 2018 and now only 2 days for our little one (we have grandparents who help on the other day). It helps us both catch our breath and I feel much more present as a mum.

i was over 3 years past separation before any financial agreement was made or maintenance paid. I have no idea how we would have survived if I wasn’t employed.

Would never have guessed we would end up like that in the early nursery days.

Keep your income. Buy in as much help as you can, offset hours a bit and consider both dropping a day but don’t sacrifice your own earning capability before his.

Summer was best at ours: 90 mins of outdoor playing. They’d get out balls and hoops and let them go on the obstacle course.

It’s not just nursery, that’s a very small part of their childhood. I am struggling to understand what “opportunities” my DC could be missing out on because my career choice enables me to use minimal wrap around care and earn a decent wage.
I'm not sure I did say your children would be missing out? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Personally think it’s hugely beneficial for them. Wraparound care is just supervision, not some hugely enriching experience. Nursery is fine, but again, they don’t benefit from going FT.

Our wraparound care is so much more than supervision. It's an ofsted outstanding childcare provider and the kids love it.

Our child benefited from full time nursery as it allowed both me and DH to progress our careers which has benefited our family in the long term both financially and in terms of experiences and opportunities. That works for us.

Edit - if working FT works for your family, great. But don’t pretend it’s some kind of ideal.

It's ideal for us. It won't be ideal for other families and that's fine.

I'm 38 and have been working part time for 5 years.

I can always make more money I won't ever get to relive those days with my babies.

Plus the way things are going we'll be retiring at 85 😂

I went part time when mine were little and increased my hours when I got a new job.

Absolutely loved my days at home with them and wish I could still be part time.

I appreciate the part about your pension but you may enjoy being home with the kids. You blink and before you know it they don't need you as much.

Sorry you didn’t say re opportunities - Parker did and also referred to my comments as idiotic hence my offence.

It’s clearly not working for OP, otherwise she wouldn’t have started the thread.

If you go part time just make sure you protect your long term financial future. Pension, savings, critical illness cover. Things can change in a heartbeat and it isn’t always easy to get back on track if you are on your own with 2 kids and no real career.

I work part-time, working school hours Monday to Friday. It definitely has its pro and cons and there’s lots to think about before you make a decision.

My husband works long hours in a stressful job, often working away so the vast majority of childcare, dog walking and house work falls to me. I’m glad the kids have time at home with at least one parent and it means I am able to take them to their sports clubs, some of which start as early as 4pm.

On the other hand I do feel resentful that my husband just gets to to go to work and come home and chill where as I work 30 hours then have to do all the school runs, taking to clubs, cooking and cleaning, dog walking etc. Because I only work six hours a day I do not get a break so can’t nip to the shop or have any time to myself like I used to when I worked full time. It annoys me that my career is suffering but I earn much less than my husband. I sometimes feel like going back full time but know the responsibilities would still be on my shoulders and the kids would have to give up their clubs.

My DH works for a multi national company and so many of his colleagues (and him) have lived in different countries. Those that are relocated with young children in the UK go to nurseries - the few I know personally went PT with one SAHM parent, their children still speak fluent English despite not going FT. My DH himself is bilingual and was raised by a parent who worked PT. Children don’t need to be FT in nursery to learn a language - plus that’s quite a unique situation to you and your family. So you might view it as an opportunity but few families will share that view.

In respect of your other points I’m not clear why you think those opportunities are only attainable by two FT incomes. It’s clearly household/disposable income that’s going to determine that. OP dropping, say, 10 hours a week on 35k is not going to be the determining factor re whether or not her children can be privately educated, have their uni fees paid, or travel extensively…

What’s to stop OP going back to FT? It doesn’t have to be permanent.

Time and opportunity? Life happens. I went part time in thankfully quite a well paid job when kids were small. Over the years there were opportunities to step back up but only if dh picked up the slack. He didn’t. Then he left. Then I had cancer 2 months later. Can’t work full time, earn a lot less than he does and he takes no responsibility for the children.

I should add I in no way regret the time I had with my children but I was very naive to go into a financial situation which only benefited my husband. Who at the time, I thought loved me. But clearly didn’t

I didn't go back to work after our son was born. By the time child care fees, petrol, travel time and the amount of time my son would be in nursery, compared to my salary, it simply wasn't worth it. We had to tighten our belts, it was hard and a bloody shock going from 2 full-time salaries to just 1. Once my son started school, I went back to work part-time in a school, it meant I didn't need to worry about child care and I was there for school runs/homework etc. Yes, I do the bulk of the chores, I work part-time, so I don't mind. My husband works full-time, but he helps with some chores, finances and parenting. He cooks at the weekend, so it gives me a break. For us it works, and yes I know I'm lucky to be in the position I am. Many women have no choice but to work full-time. If you can manage on 1 wage, then go part-time. You can always go back to full-time once your children are older and more independent.

I'm sorry, but the fact you have two children under 3 in nursery for that many hours in a day is shocking and cruel.

Are you genuinely shocked that someone is using full time childcare?

Neither DH or I have roles which, at that time in our careers, would work on a part time basis and also neither of us wanted to only work part time.
DT’s struggled to learn English so being at nursery full time definitely helped give them the exposure to the language

Can you just slightly reduce your hours? So maybe drop to 0.9 but do this by leaving a bit earlier each day so you can do an earlier pick up for nursery or a slightly later start. We have people who shift start times at work for half an hour just to make school drop offs easier and save cost of breakfast club or just have a shorter nursery day. I appreciate this not possible for all jobs.

also if you don’t like your job that much I would be applying for other roles that might give you a better balance any way.

and thirdly dh saying leaving on time is affecting his job is either bs or he is in a toxic workplace. Workers do not exist in vacuums. if your job finishes at five then finish at five and go and pick the kids up or do whatever the hell you want in your own time. Maybe he could also be looking for an alternative job that might make the juggle a bit easier too.

@Pinkflowerpower look for another job. For two reasons. You're not enjoying your current job and your family life needs a reset.

It bothers me that your DHs solution is that you go part time. That doesn't solve the problem that you don't enjoy your current job and you say it causes you emotional stress. That says to me that his main focus is himself and how the current situation impacts him. I would call him out on that. He should want both of you to be happy and not stressed and also safeguarding your futures.

There will be other things you can do to make life easier - like hiring in help. But the solution should not just be that you have to cut your hours.

So, I earn just slightly less then your partner and my husband about £45k pa. I'm the one dropping a day soon, to spend more time with our child.

This will drop my tax band, and let me keep much more child benefit

Ask your partner to go part time... as a couple, you'll be financially better off, and more resilient. His career has much less scope for salary progression than yours at this point, and you clearly don't want to go PT!

Sorry I have to be honest - two young children in childcare 8-6, 5 days per week is a miserable existence. For them, regardless of you and your DH and your needs. Tour kids won't tell you this, obviously because they have no choice and know no different. But fact is, it's too long. Put whatever spin you like on it, but it's about 80% of their waking lives spent in institutional care. Sounds like they've been in there from a very young age. It's no way to live.