DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I went back to work when my ds was 7 months old (basically when maternity and accrued holiday pay ran out) and didn't regret it. It wasn't always easy but it wouldn't have been easy if I hadn't had a child, either, Jobs are hard.

I have regretted working in certain jobs, but not because of the childcare angle.

I've also always been the main breadwinner. Even working part-time I've always out-earned DH.

I went part-time when ds was about 9.

Yes you did but I think that’s a step-child? I wouldnt sacrifice my career for a step child either. I just don’t think you can say confidently what you would do unless you’ve had the child as a baby and beyond. I’m sorry if that opinion isn’t welcome.

Agree. That's what we did here except I went back when they were at primary.
You could also request flexible home working so you find it easier to pick up at 6pm a few days a week.

Unfortunately there are always some idiots posting comments like that. I usually find it’s because they or their DC’s have not had the opportunities in life that other children have had.

It’s not that it’s not welcome, it’s just fairly dismissive.

I don’t buy into the idea that only people who have birthed a child are entitled to opinions, and not all step parenting situations are made equal!

Without getting into complex personal circumstances too much, somebody in my house could really do with not working full time, and neither of us would consider it.

If it helps at all, all of the “real” parents I know also work full time.

Thanks for your observation strawberrycrumbles. I was on MN on my way to work in the public transport. I'm shocked with my misspellings :-)

The point of my message was that it is actually possible. The OPs husband is on 70K and I can tell you from my experience that some of my male colleagues DONT ever ask for flexibility and concentrate in their career while trying to have a wife at home facilitating this. But if their wives don't take any shit, they do ask for flexibility and guess what...they generally get it.
All my female colleagues have some flexibility arrangement because they don't expect a man accommodating them.
I'm talking about people mean and women with the same pay.
It's time to make a change. We need to stop accomodating men.

I’ve previously worked school hours and hated it. It’s harder than working full time in my experience as it is relentless. I now work 4 days and love it, time with the kids but also a bit of time alone.

Both dropping to 4 days is a good compromise. Husband earns over double what I do and we do 4 days each. It's about the long game as well and keeping both careers going rather than just the immediate short term.

You mentioned a gender divide, not me. I said outsourcing childcare. I don’t consider a child looked after by a parent (whichever parent that may be) to be outsourcing childcare. Who works and who cares for the children is irrelevant.

Finally, sensibility.

So anyone whose opinion differs from your own is an idiot?

i think it depends on your view of FT. In my job FT is not 35-40 hours a week it’s 50-60. Same for my DH.

He would also receive tax relief on any contributions

Jump at the chance. They're only little for a short while.

Yes if they make idiotic statements about working parents !

You wouldn't though because you can force a pension sharing agreement if you split.

I am a working parent 🤔

Exactly, plus if he’s the higher earner it’s more tex efficient for him to pay the max into his pension and use OP’s money to live off.

Forgetting the pair of you and your stress and your careers, thats a lot of nursery to put the kids through on a daily/weekly basis. I feel its shitty on them because you can obviously afford to go part time and aren't?

Think about the long term too... are you gonna refuse your kids any clubs after school because of working full time? If they're in all that wrap around care 5 days a week till dinner time they'll be no Wednesday swimming or Tuesday karate like their friends.

It depends on the ages of the baby but don’t you think it’s a bit selfish to make your children be in nursery for such long days when you don’t need to, just to save your own career which most likely would just stagnate for a few years if you were to drop some hours?

Not all careers can be achieved with a break or part time hours particularly in the early stages. DH and I both wanted to continue with our careers and found an excellent nursery for DT’s. The staff were older, low staff turnover, excellent qualifications and facilities. I love DT’s to bits but would have hated being a SAHM.
DT’s are now in their early 20’s so I’ve the advantage of being able to see that our approach was successful.

It sounds like something you would both like. However the impact on your pension shouldn’t be downplayed. Could you get some financial advice on maintaining a decent pension? Make sure you know what you personally are giving up financially.

In principle though I think it’s a good idea.

It depends on the ages of the baby but don’t you think it’s a bit selfish to make your children be in nursery for such long days when you don’t need to, just to save your own career which most likely would just stagnate for a few years if you were to drop some hours?

Some careers just don't work like that. A career break and to some extent part time hours are career suicide in my sector.

My DS is 10 now and still speaks very fondly of nursery and it was a place he flourished.

It’s not just nursery, that’s a very small part of their childhood. I am struggling to understand what “opportunities” my DC could be missing out on because my career choice enables me to use minimal wrap around care and earn a decent wage. Personally think it’s hugely beneficial for them. Wraparound care is just supervision, not some hugely enriching experience. Nursery is fine, but again, they don’t benefit from going FT.

Edit - if working FT works for your family, great. But don’t pretend it’s some kind of ideal.