DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

All my friends and family have always had two working parents.
Of course we see plenty of our DC’s - we have been there at every stage of their lives. They have both had huge opportunities by having working parents. When they are school age they are out of the house either at school or after school activities anyway.

Neither DH or I have needed to work but both have had interesting careers which involved years of post grad studies. Our family was better by us continuing with our work.

I went back to work very late. All the mothers who went back to work very early had a really hard time, and bitterly regretted missing a lot of the younger years.

The amount of financial support and family support makes a huge difference anyway.

Going back to work doesn't always mean missing out on your child growing up.
There always seems to be the misconception that ft working mums never see their kids! It's not true for most of us.

I don’t know any of my friends, colleagues and family who had difficulties. I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old - standard maternity leave then.

Kids need to spend time with their parents and it sounds like your kids do not.

You need to sort that out between you.

If you go part time you can always increase your hours later on. As others said, get him to pay into a pension to compensate you. Also make sure he has very good life insurance should he die, either a lump sum or monthly pay out till your eldest is 18. Or both.

I’m sure it isn’t simple. But you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to deny that there is at least some degree of innate preference in women to care for their children.

OP says she hardly sees her kids during the week so in this case it does seem to be true.

I said working part-time not out of work. I work 4 days per week. Most women I know do some form of part-time working whether it’s compressed hours or reducing. If DH and I worked full time we would barely see DC.

How old are your kids?

I think around 2000 more mums went back full-time with Granny's who retired at 60 able to help.

There was a shift between 2000 and 2010, more couples were having to pay full-time childcare so both working didn't really make a lot of sense.

Or it could be a slight demographic change in the couples around me. Because those who had kids at 30 were back full-time those who were nearer 40 seemed to go part-time.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. PT works for some people and not for others. Some people work in industries where you can reduce your time by a couple of hours a day for less pay, others work in industries where everyone's paid a flat annual salary based on days-per-week and expected to stay till the work's done, despite it being nominally 9am-6pm in their contract.
Some people break off at 4pm to do the school run and get the kids settled, then they log back in and work till late from home (lots of people in my office do this). Others work in jobs which are location specific, so can't wfh. Some people can afford an after-school-nanny at their home, others can't.
Only you know what applies to you. If there's an option to going back to full time if it doesn't work out, you could do worse than give it a go.

In your situation I would go part time, on the proviso that your pension is considered and that the balance of housework doesn't start to slip. In making the decision do think about what you want from your future career and also what your preferred arrangements might be when they start school.

I don't agree with what seems to be the Mumsnet view that women must work full time at all costs, just in case their husband leaves them! Surely there is more to life than this. As is evident in the things you mention in your post. There is a world of difference between your scenario and an unmarried SAHM.

I’d say it’s fairly general across a range of ages and birth years, in the people I know.

In our case - he’s 8. Private nursery until school, breakfast club/wraparound and the occasional grandad pick up. We do have the benefit of WFH and my boss is really flexible.

However my sister’s 19 and 9 year old both have always had FT working parents, so did we as kids, and my friends who have babies/toddlers, so far more recent, have all gone back too.

No real idea why, but I don’t seem to be around anyone who actually wants to be a SAHP. I know why I don’t want to be, but otherwise I think it’s maybe a cultural thing where I’m from, nobody wants to be “kept.”

I know it’s controversial but I agree. I don’t see why people (men or women) bother having kids if their intention is just to outsource their care. I don’t think it does children any favours either. I have a good career but rather than put it before my children I got to the position where I could work PT and still earn a decent amount.

I always knew if I had children (and I wasn’t certain I did) I wanted to be able to look after them on the whole. I’ve always worked but always made the children a priority.

I only know two SAHP although I also know a Dad who did it for a couple of years. But their kids mid teens now. It suited them for him to be the SAHP.

I think for anyone with a profession is daft to given it up completely, part-time is ideal if you can get it.
Slightly different if your a minimum wage type worker with different experience who'd be able to pick work up fairly easily when it's the right time to return to work.

I know it’s controversial but I agree. I don’t see why people (men or women) bother having kids if their intention is just to outsource their care.
These sorts of comments are insulting and ill informed.

Marriage doesnt protect you from fucking up your earning potential

I’m not around anyone who is a SAHP. I said the women I know are in the main working part-time. They’re mostly not ‘kept’.

Why though?

They are both stressed.

OP is a supportive husband.

They can afford it.

OP keeps her foot in the door and can go back to full time when the kids are older 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think I’d even do that. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my own career development or individual earnings, in any way.

That may be because it’s not the “done thing” in people I know, but I personally couldn’t sacrifice that.

I think if I didn’t like the job I have now, I’d still be looking for another full time one.

Well then we are different, because I am happy to sacrifice a higher ‘individual’ salary to spend more time with my children who are very young. My husband contributes more with his FT salary so I don’t really lose out in real terms.

Wouldnt you say you can just pick career progression up again when your children are older? I plan to increase hours again at some point. Although I also know plenty of women in my organisation working part time 4 days who have been promoted.

Also do you actually have children? As I would have said the same as you until I got pregnant and had babies and realised how precious that time is.

Most men who become parents work full time, should they have not had a family?

I’ve always been the “breadwinner” in my relationships, and I’m very proud of that, so that may lead into why I wouldn’t take a drop at all. I’d also want to be contributing at least the same to the “pot,” as a minimum. Anything else would make me feel financially reliant on a man, and I cannot 😂.

I’d imagine it can be picked up later, my worry would be that being out of it for any length of time, even if it was short term or part time, would put me at a disadvantage later.

Selfishly perhaps, I’d also rather do it now and retire early than go back to a career later!

@Spotifly
Here’s what I said earlier:

In our case - he’s 8. Private nursery until school, breakfast club/wraparound and the occasional grandad pick up. We do have the benefit of WFH and my boss is really flexible.