Inheritance issue

[MountainMomma26]

My DH and I have 3 kids 2 boys and a girl aged under 11

We own a farm- 50% is in my name. This was done at the purchase mainly to save money.

DH also expects to inherit land from his elderly father. Please don’t think this is a situation where we are being greedy - rubbing our hands waiting for someone to pass away. This has never been discussed before and only arose today as we had a meeting with our accountant to finalise this years accounts and my husband wanted to discuss the new tax regulations coming in regarding farmers and inheritance.

Neither of us have made wills. During the course of the conversation DH discussed with the accountant how he would be making his will leaving everything to our sons. I had assumed if he was to pass before me I would be his benefactor and he would be mine if I go first and then upon either of our deaths it would pass to our children. This is what my father had done.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by this it feels like DH doesn’t trust me/is putting me in a vulnerable position where my child would own the house annd property I live in? I feel this is dangerous as my children are lovely but unfortunately no one knows what way they’ll turn out - we have young extended family members with serious mental or addiction issues so he should know now that this is always a possibility.. I’m also pissed off that my daughter was not mentioned in the conversation. She is her dad’s right hand person. They’re very close. She loves animals and is a hard worker yet she doesn’t seem to come into consideration.

AIBU to be annoyed?

That can’t be that close if he is omitting her from his will because she doesn’t posses a penis.

What did he say when you queried all this with him?

They are. I’m just shocked at his intentions.

More or less told it was nothing to do with me.

The farm is 50 percent in your name how does he get to dispose of it entirely? Wait until he inherits then divorce him to secure your rights.

He's only leaving the land to the sons? Fuck. That's cold to his DD and you. Misogynistic as well.

Unforgivable in my world. I don't know if it is in yours.

Is he always this controlling? He might be able to leave his half to who he wants, but his decisions will have an impact on your daughter’s mental health. Unless there is a cash equivalent for her, why would he do such a divisive thing?

Get the inheritance through, then divorce.

Tell him if he doesn't play fair you'll leave your 50% of the farm to your daughter?

With a house you could pass your house to your child and give your spouse or partner a lifetime interest in the property. In that case, you would remain there until you died or wished to sell but on selling your spouse’s 50% would pass to your children and you can only use your 50% for your onward move. I don’t know if the same applies to agricultural land but as inheritance tax is still being worked out for farms, I don’t think there is a clear answer on the most tax efficient way yet and whether you can do lifetime interests.

However, only leaving to your sons and telling you it’s none of your business when it’s 50% yours is misogynistic. Whether you can live like that is up to you. However, I would be making my will to my daughter and I would be telling my sons it’s not that you don’t love them but their dad has decided their sister shouldn’t inherit because she’s a girl and therefore you need to protect her.

This. 50% is in your name. Leave the entire 50% to her.

There used to be a BBC2 show called You Can't Take it With You. It gave advice to people if different situations. The farm scenario with sons and a daughter was one. They equalised inheritance by leaving the daughter another property. It may be worth seeing if you can find this on BBC iplayer or archives online.

You own 50% so I would sit him down and tell him how unfair he is being to you and your daughter. I would also share with him court cases where daughter have won substantial money from an estate because they were left out, particularly if she is more involved than your sons from what you say about her being his right hand man
The only person who wins in that scenario is the solicitors and it will cause a family rift

If he is still adamant then you leave your 50% to your daughter, although tbh I couldn’t stay with a man who is prepared to treat his child like that so would be looking to leave, he can either purchase your 50% or he sells the farm

I think you resolve the issue by divorcing the misogynist prat, keeping your 50% and creating a will that assumes he will bequest his 50% to your sons and split your share to ensure parity for all three children (ie 25% to your DD and spilt the remaining 25% between them equally).

Seriously, this would be a total deal breaker for me.

He's deliberately disinheriting all the women in his life.

I understand farming inheritance can be difficult as too many divisions make the business untenable.

But who makes him "the boss" of all decisions and why does he assume his sons will want to be farmers and not his daughter?

Big red flag here. I would be furious (and have a shit hot lawyer of my own on speed dial).

This is terrible and your dh needs to hear loudly and clearly you don't leave your daughter out of a will. What is this, the 1800's?!

I suspect he's left you out so that the farm isn't split between the three of them.

If it was me unless he changed I'd either leave my daughter the whole of my 50% (especially if the sons inherit from grandparents too) or at least 1/2 of my part with the boys receiving 25% each.

What a vile way to think on his part.

A farm is usually passed on to one member of the family as otherwise its not a viable option and would need to be sold thus meaning it goes out of the family. This is a huge blow to a farmer and is also the reason for opposition to the new tax laws. Of course that person can be a daughter if she is the one making farming her occupation.
In my family my dB worked tirelessly with my dad from an early age as he was very keen on farming. We knew from an early age he would inherit the farm. The rest of us got good college education paid for by our dps . They also paid for our weddings and we were all happy with that as we could all support ourselves. Some people might find that unfair but l had no interest in taking over a farm or working as hard as my brother. My dm had a lifetime interest in the farmhouse and my dB was responsible for supporting her from the farm for her lifetime. Luckily he was diligent in that but it could become precarious if he was mean/ abusive. There is also the issue of your sons partners being involved etc. My dm had worked on the farm all her life but after my dad's death retired from that.
You may need to consult a solicitor yourself about your future to make sure it is safe financially if your dh dies first. A solicitor who deals with farms is the best option as there are specific issues involved. And it is important all your dc have a solid future planned for them too
A lot of thought is needed here but there are solutions that other farmers have found helpful.

no they are not. They certainly won’t be when she realises she doesn’t count as a real person to him because she doesn’t have a penis.

I actually couldn’t accept him leaving me our daughter out of his will. I’d be angry about how he’s treating me, but incandescent about how he’s treating her and I’d tell him, as well as point out you’ll have to sell up anyway if we divorce over this.

And how he treats your daughter is your business. You’d leave him if he hits her- emotionally he is, when she learns.

Legally he is wrong, the holding is 50% in your name. If he died he could leave the whole thing to anyone as he does not own it all.

I would tell him you are going to leave your half to a charity.
At least you know where you stand. Start putting money aside and buy a flat so you have somewhere to live. Or just divorce him.

This would be a deal breaker to the relationship if I was put in this position.

The farming one is the one I remember so clearly from this series - 4 brothers and 1 sister. The sons didn't want her to inherit any part of the farm and were also wanting a share of a property the mother owned, which had been intended just for the daughter. The sons were absolutely obnoxious to their sister about it - totally shocking. I think they sort of resolved it but that one meeting must have fucked up the family dynamic for a long, long time

It’s not unusual for half an estate to go to the children. There are many financial benefits to this as long as you retain your lifetime interest etc.
What’s shocking is your daughter being left out altogether.

If he won’t move on this is there any way you could even out the inheritance on your death
DH leaves his half of the estate to ds1= 25% and ds2 = 25% …of the total estate (50/50split)
OP leaves her half of the estate to dd = 33.3%and ds1= 8.3% and ds2 = 8.3% of the total estate (66/16/16) approx
They all then end up with an equal split of the total estate

Just explain to your sons why you’ve done this OP

your dh is being really unreasonable…..

First and most urgently, he needs to have a discussion with his father who can take steps to avoid the new tax if he is willing.

Second, if your farm is half yours and he plans to leave his half to his sons, you can simply leave your half to your daughter. But honestly, he needs to grow up and stop being such an utterly awful male chauvinist pig in every way.

It was such a good programme. I remember the family with one disabled child, where the parents wanted to be fair to all their children but also knew the disabled child needed more help. Just having the conversation was a massive relief because, in fact, they all agreed.

Inheritances where there are businesses are always hard, and farms are some of the hardest, because they include the home, and because the business itself is often precarious. Transparency and forward planning are key, but if one person won’t even have a rational conversation about it, the whole next generation is stuffed.

I’d be selling my half of the farm right now.

This doesn’t pertain to the daughter issue, but I’m am going to change my will with my husband to ensure that if one of us dies half the money and assets go straight to the children. I’ve read too many stories of the surviving partner remarrying and running off with the cash, or the kids standing by helplessly as the surviving parent sends it all to a Nigerian prince